


I'm Yours

by farthendur



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Band Fic, Blow Jobs, Frottage, Hand Jobs, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-02-05
Packaged: 2017-11-26 09:28:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 49,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/649108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farthendur/pseuds/farthendur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam is kind of in love with that one Irishman, just a little crush and everything. They're that kind of best mates, you know, THAT kind, they have the kind of friendship you've always dreamed of. And then...naturally, Liam's crush grows and everything starts falling apart. And the worst part is, Niall is so damn loving and so damn confusing!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was my very first 1D story, and it's pretty successful, if you ask me. The first chapters are really sucky at places, and I'm really sorry, but it gets better, I promise! If by any chance you get hooked and want to read more before I've posted all of the chapters here, you can message me for my Tumblr url.

“Nialler, come on, bro…” I called out, “You’re gonna be fine, let’s go!”

I straightened my shirt one last time and started for the door. The moment my hand touched the doorknob, the little blond bastard came running from the bathroom, shoved me aside and fled from the room laughing. I couldn’t help but grin to myself too, of course. That’s how he is – one minute he’d be fussing over his hair being too short, next he’s giggling about something like this. Gotta love him.

I have to admit though, I do like it better when his hair is shorter, that way his sweet face, beautiful eyes, his general pale complexion stand out more, you know?

That night it was only the two of us, since the rest of the guys decided to crash early. We filmed a new video today. Who would've known that LA would be so great. Well, okay,  _technically_  we are in Malibu. But that's irrelevant, it's still LA in a way, as far as I understand Geography. The plot of the vid was pretty depressing, we got up really early, to catch the sunrise and then we had to run around a lot. Naturally, we were all pretty beat up. I don't really know why, but I was feeling quite energetic after the nap I took, so I wanted to go out and do something, you know? All of the guys turned me down, of course, and it took some serious begging to get Niall to join me. He loves amusement parks, I love him, roller coasters make him happy, him being happy makes me happy. You know how weird gay crushes on your best friend work, right?

The previous day, after we arrived in LA (in Malibu, fine), we'd had some time to walk around. We had a little walk on the beach, checked out the boardwalk, and, what's most important, found the amusement park. Ah. Niall was somewhat in an awe when we were walking around the rides (we didn't have time to get on anything). Same expression of slightly opened mouth today, happiness radiating from his eyes, wild smiles all over the place. 

I unglued my eyes from his beautiful face with a smile of my own. 

"What are we riding first?" I asked looking around. My wording was intentional. 

Niall scratched his cheek absent mindedly and sighed. 

"I got no idea. Maybe we should start on the ferris wheel and move on to the more extreme stuff afterwards?" I opened my mouth to say something, but that wasn't really a question, "Or maybe start with that big ass roller coaster and finish the night with the ferris wheel and maybe throw balls at that fat guy over there?"

I patiently waited till he finished his rambling and used the moment to slide my gaze over his kissable lips, up to his sexily ruffled hair, and down again, past the earlobe I so often want to nibble on, to his collar bone, to the definition on his arms, to his unusually tight pants, showing off his nice bulge. I looked away just in time, smiling to myself.

"Well?"

"Well, I know there are so many super extreme rides around here, with so many free falls and shit, but..." he picks up on my sarcasm and lightly slaps my arm, "I think that, yeah, it will be best to start with them and finish off with something as entertaining as sending a fat guy who takes everyone's money into a pool filled with water."

I am the king of matter-of-fact speeches, although this one failed a bit. 

Niall smiled, nodded and headed in the direction of the only roller coaster (in the actual meaning of the word) in the park. 

We had a lot of fun, that's for sure. We didn't get to ride on that many of the attractions in the park since after the fourth one both our stomachs started calling out, but we definitely had a blast. Being around the guys so much, I had learned how to let loose every once in a while, and just, you know, be silly, be myself. There weren't as many people there that night, and we were both grateful that we had to stop for autographs only once. And then, it was easy for me not to let my weird crush I still haven't quite figured out affect our friendship or the time we have together, never. It's always there and I do act upon it at times, but only when it's appropriate, only when it wouldn't be weird, only because I know if I try to suppress it, it will only come out stronger. 

 

I don't know if I mentioned it before, but we had  ** _lots_** of fun. The whole world brightens up and starts sparkling in a weirdly picturesque way when you are around Niall and his laughter, which you hear after pretty much every other sentence. You know? 

 

 

 

 

We did a tour of all the little tents selling different things or offering games and stuff. At the place where you throw balls at stacks of cups, Niall got really excited about trying to win this stuffed dwarfy guy in a green outfit and a beard. He insisted it was a leprechaun and that was the reason he wanted to win it so bad, he said he couldn't believe he'd find a trace of home this far away from Ireland. Now, if you ask _me_ , it was just a dwarf because there were no shamrocks or whatever anywhere on his costume, and I did voice my opinion.

"Oh shut up, let me enjoy this one, I've been a little homesick these days anyways," sure.

He did his thing, threw a bunch of balls...The first shot got the first stack, but that was his only good throw. I kept mocking him about his lame shots, but at the same time I had to bit hard on my lower lip every time his muscles flexed under the thin fabric of his button up shirt. Mesmerizing. 

"Let me show you how it's done, shortie..." I gently pushed him aside with a playful, although condescending smile on my lips, to which he shook his head. 

I threw the last ball at the final stack of cups and they all fell. I am awesome. I was grinning ear to ear, feeling genuinely proud of myself, while Niall laughed next to me. 

"Choose your prize, pal." 

I looked over at Niall who was trying not to ask me to get the little 'leprechaun' for him and grinned mischievously. He tried a smile, but he was definitely disappointed (over a stuffed toy, I know, dumb right?). Come on, beautiful, do you really think I will let you be upset?

"I'll take that stuffed leprechaun right behind you, please."

"Huh, it's just a dwarf if you ask me, but I can see why you'd think it's a leprechaun," the man said while unhooking the toy from the wall of toys behind him.

I turned to my cute blonde smugly. He was just shaking his head, smiling widely. I handed him the stuffed toy. He stared at it for a minute, then grabbed my hand and pulled me into a hug and at that point I was going 'IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou' in my head.

 

"Thanks, mate!"

"Wanna go eat now? This was pretty exhausting..." I wiggled my eyebrows. 

"You're really asking me this?" 

Good point.

"I don't suppose they have Nando's around here.."

"I think I saw Subway down the boardwalk.." he walked a few steps to the entrance of the park and I followed.

The first few tents near the entrance had already closed for the night, and it was kind of dark around there, the only brighter light coming from the big projector on the last one. Niall stopped there and turned to see whether I was following. The light hit him in a perfect way. My eyes watered a little, my stomach exploded with butterflies. In his dark cotton button up shirt and light pants, with his sparkling eyes, hair glowing, and that little smile, he was a heavenly sight. It is impossible to describe the faint eerie, the soft masculinity he emitted. 

I swallowed, and smiled. It is getting harder to be around him as much. I will manage, I have to. 

We walked to the Subway shop, talking and laughing. Every now and then he'd notice something he thought was cool, point it out to me and give me his excited mini speech about it. There is no way one could resist the happiness spreading over him when around the Irish kid, we all knew it. 

We were sitting at table, quietly eating (I've learned there is no point in trying to start a conversation with Niall when eating), when this annoying couple walked in. The girl was the Sydney Dalton type, so, naturally, we turned away from them, praying she wasn't a 1D fan or if she was, that she wouldn't notice us. They were too much into each other to notice anything else though. The chick kept laughing loudly in that high pitched manner, and they wouldn't stop sucking on their faces. You're in a goddamn restaurant, stop it and eat your fucking food. 

I grunted and turned my back to them, shaking my head. I was just about to seek Niall's support on how irritating they are, when I noticed he was actually interested...in a way. He was pretending that he's just eating his sandwich, but he'd glance over ever so often, his face serious all of a sudden. Now, I can usually read Niall like an open book, but this expression I hadn't seen ever since his break up with that bitch Janette who dumped him back in December. I didn't say anything though. I was hoping it would blow over. 

"Hey, wanna go down to the beach for a bit after we're done?" I was a bit startled when he spoke, a bitter seriousness in his voice. 

I looked up at him, trying to read him once again, but to no avail. Maybe he just wanted to clear his mind of whatever was bothering him.

"Yea, sure."

A little while later we were leisurely walking down the beach in the direction of our hotel. Niall offered to sit down, and I agreed. We settled on the cool sand, watching over the unusually calm ocean. 

"It's beautiful out here," he said, part of his usual cheerfulness back in his voice, and I really wanted to say that it woudln't be nearly as beautiful if he wasn't there.

"Yeah. And look at the sky..."

Niall looked up at the billion stars winking at us, and a smile slowly spread on his lips. I laid on my back and put my hands behind my head. The gentle breeze stroked my face and ruffled my sweet boy's hair a bit. With the soft murmur of the waves and the soft silence enveloping us, tiredness caught up with me. How wonderful it would be to be in bed right now, the feeling of cool sheets on my boxers clad body, Niall's deep breathing from the other bed. 

I was just drifting off, when Niall spoke.

"It's difficult..." it took me a moment to realize what he'd said.

"What's difficult?"

He was silent. 

"I mean, it's not difficult, but it kind of hurts. Louis' got a girl, Harry's got a girl, Zayn...you know how Zayn is, and it's a miracle you are single right now. And me?" he looked back at me for a second, "I can only get a squeaky bitch that dumps me because she 'can't deal with the fans and that shit' " he threw the little stone he was holding forcefully towards the water.

I could hear how hurt he was in his voice. And it just broke my heart to a million pieces. I hate, hate, hate seeing my little blonde hurt. I sat up and threw my arm around his back. I know how much it takes him to talk about his feelings, so I didn't expect him to say anything more, but he surprised me again.

"It gets damn lonely..." he mumbled almost inaudibly, but I heard him, I always hear him. 

I struggled to find the right words.

"Bro, there is someone out there who's just right for you....and the fact that it's taking you so long to find that someone only means that it will be so much better when you two finally meet..." I swallowed and forced myself to say what I said next, "And she will love you, and you will love her..."

He was playing with the sand.

"You don't think it's you, do you?"

He remained silent.

"Niall!" I looked at him surprised.

"I just lose faith in myself sometimes..." he looked away. 

"You are damn awesome, bro, and you know it! Anyone would be so lucky to have you!" I paused, looking for words again, "I-we all love you so much, okay? Please, believe me, this is stupid."

He smiled lightly. I kissed his temple. Surely, he wouldn't think anything of it. 

"Everything would suck without your guys.." he was smiling more now, and a warm feeling fluttered inside my chest. He was smiling! 

We sat there for a bit longer. Niall shivered, and I pulled him closer. He laid his head on my shoulder. I bit my lip, butterflies once again going crazy in my stomach. 

I never wanted our moment together to end, even though I knew to me it meant much more than it did to Niall. A minute or an hour later, he shifted.

"Let's go," he smiled at me.

 


	2. 2

The walk to the hotel (I'd like to say  _home_  instead of the hotel, we've been in over twenty hotels since we left and I'm really hating it now) was pleasant. Niall wasn't as cheerful as before, but whenever he smiled, his smile was genuine, you could tell. And I'm kind of proud to say that most of the time I was the reason for the happiness spreading over his face. It's not that I was trying too hard, it just happens between us sometimes, one would be down and the other would get into this mood where he just says all the right things. This friendship, this bond...it's probably the best thing that's ever happened to me, apart from getting together with the guys in general. It's just crazy how close we are sometimes, and I love it, not just because of the little big weird crush I got going on. I love this boy, just for...for what he is, for the fact that he is always there for me, and that to him everything is so amazing and funny, and for how silly he can be, and for how mature he is, but how he also lets himself be childish whenever he feels like it...and I mean, I'd love him for that even without the crush, you know? I can't explain it. 

I really hope though that one day I'd be able to look him in the eyes and say 'I love you, Niall Horan.' and he'd know exactly what I mean, regardless of how he feels about it. Yeah.

"Remember Louis' mushroom joke?" I asked after we'd been walking in a comfortable silence for a while.

For a second he looked at me in confusion, but then his face lit up in recognition.

"Ooooooooohhh!!!" 

He started laughing, and I laughed along with him, more because of his laugh and the way he was shaking, slapping his knee, turning in a circle or looking up at the stars for help. I hadn't brought it up in a looong time.

"Mate..." he just looked at me and shook his head, still smiling. "Fungi..." and he cracked up again. 

I smiled widely and pulled him into my chest, ruffling his hair. Now this didn't have anything to do with my crush. Right? Yeah, it didn't. It was just us fooling around together. Yes. Maybe I will stop worrying so much about this and it will go away. 

It had gotten colder. By the time we were nearing the hotel, the wind had gotten us walking as close to each other as possible. I could smell the slightly heavy, masculine aroma of his cologne. I felt probably the strongest urge so far to bury my face in his neck and inhale deeply, then kiss, lick, bite, and kiss again till I'm absolutely overwhelmed and drunk. I turned my gaze to my right, since Niall was on my left, and tried busying my mind with thoughts of the summer and the little vacation in Miami we were planning. What? No, of course it didn't work. 

I'm okay with being attracted to guys, I don't feel it weird or wrong. If I'm bi or gay, that's cool, as long as it makes me happy. Well, I don't think I'm gay since I do like girls too (and I'm not just saying this). But then...I haven't really given this much thought, but I have a feeling my attraction to guys is limited to Niall only. I don't know. Maybe I should test this. Explore. Yes, sounds exciting, I...could try gay porn to explore the sexual aspect, and try actually  _looking_  at guys to check on the romantic side. Maybe...take note of facial features, and clothes and smile and eyes...hm.

You know, come to think of it, I think I've done this before...I just haven't paid any attention to it...Why, yes, yes! The way I took note of how well Joe Jonas' shirt hugged his chest that first time we met him, and when Harry got his hair cut, I spent so much time marveling how much..younger he looked, how much his face stood out now, and...yes, yes! Okay. Maybe it's not just Niall then. The thought of me liking another guy and not Niall stirred a weird feeling in me though. Jealousy and hate for the non-existent other guy. Never mind. 

So I got it pretty strong for Niall. Yeah, I guess it's time to admit maybe it isn't just a crush. And this thought is a little worrying.

What do I do now? What if it gets unbearable?

I love him and I won't let anything ruin our friendship. That's for sure. So...maybe it will pass? I don't really feel it...pressuring me right now, you know? It's not like usual crushes, where you want to impress the person and to get their attention so bad. I'm just utterly comfortable around him. And he is my best friend, and I know I'm his best friend. And I just love him, in all ways described earlier. 

How can it get unbearable? Come on. Unless he gets a girlfriend everything will be okay. And even then I shouldn't be jealous. I will deal with it and he will stay by my side and I will keep loving him and eventually I'm gonna start liking someone else too and even though my love for Niall will remain, I'm gonna have someone to cuddle with and shit. It might even be a guy, who knows. 

I smiled, closing the case. Suddenly I was again aware of everything around me, of the crisp air, the clear sky with the little dots, of the familiar smell of my boy's cologne that drove me nuts and caused a pleasant stirring in my pants, and of the fact that this cute lad was whistling something quietly. I looked at him recognizing the melody and he looked back at me smiling. 

"You were gone for a bit. Where were you?" he kept smiling, and I smiled back happily.

"Sorry, I don't know, I guess I was just thinking." I threw my arm around him in a half brotherly gesture. He stared at me for a bit, I could see him chewing on the question, but finally he swallowed it. I looked away, guilt overtaking - there were going to be many moments like this. 

He resumed his whistling just as we were taking the turn to the alley of our hotel and my smile returned. 

"Teenage Dream, eh?" 

His eyes lit up and I longed to kiss the grin off of his lips. 

We welcomed the warmth of the building and, a little later, we hurriedly undressed to cuddle under our respective blankets. I plopped down on my bed and pulled the blankets up with a content sigh. Niall came out of the bathroom and turned off the lights, leaving only the small one inbetween our beds. Soft shadows enveloped his body. He was wearing loose dark pajama bottoms. For a second I cursed at myself for not wearing mine too, I might get cold and I don't like getting up in the middle of the night, but then my whole world was filled by the realization of how insanely beautiful he was (he still is, even more). His body really is perfect, screw my abs, I adore his flat, just slightly muscled stomach, his small pink nipples, his lightly defined arms and, finally, his little amused smile. My heart ached. To caress, to cup, to smell, to embrace, to hold, to perceive, to kiss. 

My eyes watered. Niall carefully put down a glass of water on his night stand and dived under the covers in a swift motion. He turned off the lamp between our beds and I turned away. 

"Good night, man."

I wanted to respond, believe me! Please! And I tried, but the minute I opened my mouth I realized I won't be able to say anything without giving away how hurt I was, and Niall knows me too well, he'd be worried and he'd come over and nudge me to talk to him in his sweet way and he'd be so close and I'd want to tell him everything and kiss him and if I told him..oh why why why couldn't you be mine, Niall Horan? 

It must have been very late during the night when I awoke to a thud and silent cursing. Niall was moving around, I turned on the little lamp between our beds. 

"What happened?" I asked, squinting at the light. 

Niall was fumbling around with the sheets on his bed. His hair was disheveled, his pants had sagged low on his crotch. 

"I don't know, I knocked the stupid glass down in the dark and now everything is fucking wet..." he stood with his hands on his hips, looking all angry and sexy and I laughed. 

"What are you laughing at, everything is fucking wet.." oh, he was pissed. "I'll go to Zayn's room, he's got an extra bed there."

He started heading out, but I stopped him.

"Cooome heeere..." I mumbled tiredly, but with a hint of amusement too. Like, duuh, do you really think I'm gonna let you walk to Zayn's room in the middle of the night..

"Naw man, don't worry, the beds are small, I'll just go to Zayn." 

"Shut up and come here, the beds are almost queen size, get in here.." I held the covers up for him. 

He reluctantly got in my bed and I scooted further towards the other end. I comfortably fluffed up my pillows and turned to him, closing my eyes. He had his back towards me, he turned the lights off. And, of course, he was asleep in seconds. I tried immersing myself in his sweet scent and in slumber again, but I became painfully aware of the situation I was in. Almost naked, in the same bed (under the same covers!) with the guy I was in love with. And then he shifted slightly, and his warm back was pressed to my body and oh God, no, please no, I started growing hard. 

Could I maybe just sneak my hand to his chest? Could I maybe plant a soft kiss on his neck? Stroke his arm, bury my nose in his hair, grind my crotch into his ass? 

I rolled onto my back and far from him. Suddenly hot, I pulled the covers off my body. Yes, this was going to be so much harder than I had hoped. I shall take a little walk now. 

The hotel we were staying at wasn't a big one by any means, but they gave us the whole last floor with the largest rooms. The little circular lobby to which all the doors opened was cozy, with a few comfortable couches placed in the middle and around a small coffee table. 

I didn't expect to see anyone there. Just my luck, of course, Zayn was sprawled on one of the couches, his laptop in his lap. Oh well. I had planned on sitting there for a while anyways, I really didn't feel like walking outside, it's May, it's still not that warm at night. 

My boxers clad body didn't particularly like the cold surface of the sofa, but I ignored its pleas. 

"I thought there was connection in the rooms too." 

He turned his dark eyes to me. In the dim lighting his dark complexion made him look even more mysterious.

"There is, but it's not as stable, so I decided to come out here."

"What's the time?" I yawned.

Zayn glanced at his computer.

"2:40."

"Only?!" I thought it was much later. 

"Yeah. Why are you up?" he turned to me.

I hesitated. I didn't want to answer, I didn't know what to answer, I'm a terrible liar. 

"I woke up and was hot and then I couldn't fall back asleep," not that far from the truth, right? "You?"

"Well, we went to bed just as you guys were heading out, and I guess I just got enough sleep. Been up for an hour or two now." I nodded. 

Zayn resumed his business on the computer and I laid my head back. Jesus. The vivid image of my gorgeous lad wouldn't leave my mind. When we were out - how happy he was on the roller coaster and the ferris wheel, colorful lights softly dancing across his flawless face, and after that, when he hugged me when I gave him his leprechaun, how amazing his arms felt around me, and on the beach, and then when he was going to bed and when I spooned him in bed, his body felt so right against me...Shit, shit, SHIT! 

I shut my eyes tightly and clutched a fistful of my hair. How did it come to this? Something in my chest ached so bad, a lump formed in my throat. Why was it suddenly so difficult?

"What's up, mate? Worried about the performance?" Zayn was looking at me, a little bit of worry behind his glasses. 

And I suddenly wanted, needed to tell someone, to tell Zayn. Seems like things happen all too abrupt today. But how? I let my gaze rest on his eyes and chewed on my lower lip. He put his laptop on the table and folded his hands in his lap. He was wearing only a tight pair of shorts. He looked at me intently. 

"I think I like guys." I said flatly and it sounded better than I had expected. But redness immediately took over my cheeks. I lowered my gaze. 

Zayn didn't say anything. I looked up to find him giving me that one sided smile of his.

"For real?" he seemed genuinely surprised. 

I dug around what I considered to be a large dictionary in my mind, trying to find the words to tell him just how confused I was. Or was I confused? It was clear as day, but it caused so many different and powerful emotions...

"Well...I think so...I mean...guys  _too_...so...I don't know, I guess that makes me bi...? And..." words fell out heavy and shaky and I was trembling myself, but Zayn didn't help me out. "I just don't know. I think it may be only for..one person...but I don't know...and I tried to...rationalize it and to figure out what it is...but...I don't know..." 

I hid my face in my hands. I hadn't felt such a strong need of a hug in years. 

"I am bi too, you know." Zayn said calmly, but looked at his hands in his lap when my head shot up. He continued before I had a chance of saying anything, "And it's more about sex, I guess, but it's okay. It's who I am."

He doesn't understand, ugh.

"It's not that. I don't have a problem with being bi, I just...the person I like, he...I shoudln't, I-" I looked at him, silently begging him to understand the turmoil of feelings I was drowning in. 

He remained calm, how could he be so calm?

"Is it Niall?" 

My eyes widened in horror, shit, is it that obvious, everyone must know, whatthefuckamigoingtodo, but then I noticed his little warm, friendly, calming smile and peace settled in my soul too, at least for a moment. I smiled back, dreamily. 

"Yeah. That obvious?"

He gently shook his head in agreement.

"Uh huh. But don't worry. People dismiss it as a bromance. You should read all those fanfics on tumblr though, you're definitely gonna like them." he laughed sexily, I've always found his laugh sexy I guess. 

Something about the way he took it so easily and so calmly gave me hope, even though I had no idea for what. Still.

"It's not right, mate, and it hurts so much sometimes..." I shook my head.

"How long have you known?"

"A while. Several months. But I was like 'it's just a crush, I'm gonna enjoy it, it's no harm', you know? But the last few days things shifted to another level. Especially tonight, I suppose."

"It's alright, man. Don't sweat it. I don't know if he shares your feelings, but even if he doesn't, you're the best of mates, you will always have your friendship. Your crush will go away, you will find someone..." he sat up. 

Hearing from someone else's mouth that there is a possibility that Niall doesn't love me the way I love him stung like hell. But Zayn's words did give me hope indeed. And it was good to have things out in the open with someone. A part of the burden was lifted and it felt good. 

"If you need to talk..." he made a short gesture with his hand, "don't hesitate. Now I'm gonna go rub one out, I stumbled upon a bunch of interesting videos before. Good night, mate."

He smiled down at me, his dark eyes giving off a little spark, and rubbed my shoulder. I laughed at his words and stared after him incredulously. 

After his door closed I sighed deeply. Another abrupt change of feelings, huh. Everything was good, for now. Imma take advantage of it while it lasts. 

I trotted to our room. I quietly slid next to my boy. I loved him. So much. I allowed myself to kiss his bare shoulder. He wouldn't know, he sleeps so deeply. I slid an arm to his belly and kept it there. I can play it off if he's suspicious tomorrow. 

Ah.

 


	3. 3.1

Okay. Ten more. One. ... Two. ... Three...

I hate push ups. I try to do the bare minimum of them required to keep myself in shape. I think it's something with the way I regulate my breathing (or the way I don't), I just can't get it right and it becomes real hard for me.

Okay. Okay. I'm done. Whew!

I got up and stretched my arms a bit. Good. I need to hurry up a bit though, the lads are almost dressed. And damn do they all look amazing.

It's the last show of the tour tonight. Well, it wasn't really a tour, we came to the US to shoot the video and did a few concerts and signings in the Cali area. We're in San Francisco today. Last show, biggest audience (we didn't do a show in LA). A signing tomorrow and then heading home. We have a month of doing nothing ahead of us, except for a few interviews, but that's all. Don't get me wrong, I love what we do, I love being up on stage, traveling around the world, meeting fans and shit...but sometimes it's just a little too much. We need a break, a little time for ourselves and for friends/girlfriends back home.

I pulled up my slacks but left them unbuttoned. Next I put on the button up shirt that was probably whiter than the untouched snow up in the Himalayas. Oh, look, my package looks particularly good today, it's quite well outlined. It must be the boxers. I shall wear this pair more often, yes.

"Liam! Come on, we got ten minutes!" that was Louis, in wifey voice.

"Almost ready, darling!"

Niall let out a cute laugh from my right and I turned to him smiling. Oh.

Oh wow.

Oh wow!

God...

Really, I have no words to describe how brilliantly beautiful Niall looked in his suit and what I felt the moment I noticed that. My breath literally caught in my throat. My heart skipped a few beats, my world stopped for a long moment. I never thought an experience like this was possible - time actually slowed down to nothing, in my mind at least.

Next thing you know, my eyes avert themselves, I'm looking around for my jacket, gulping, blinking rapidly, biting down hard on my lower lip.

I put on my jacket and slowly turned. I tried to make it a swift movement, to gyrate on the heels of my untied shoes, but I couldn't, I did it in a shaky manner, small steps. Shit. He's so, so **_beautiful._** Never in my life have I seen anyone this dazzlingly handsome. But he's not mine. I can't tell him how wonderful he looks, how manly. I can't sneak my hands inside his jacket, feel his chest, cup his cheek, feel the soft strength in his body, bury my fingers in his hair.

"Ready?"

"Yea, yea, I just need to tie my shoes. You guys can go if you want, I'll be right with you."

"I'll wait for you." Niall said, checking himself out in the mirror, fixing his perfect hair. For a second there I allowed myself to interpret this as something meaningful, but then my heart shrunk to the size of a peanut again.

"Thanks, bro."

I sighed deeply. I shoudln't have let this go this far. I wasn't to blame entirely, of course, still...I can't let this ruin everything. Niall is my best friend, my little bro. He is insanely sexy too, and I'm gonna enjoy that. Yes.

Under this liberating feeling I had just made up myself I got up with a smile and stood next to my boy in front of the mirror.

"I think we look fabulous." he said matter-of-factly in an exaggerated even for him accent.

I smiled sweetly and shoved him playfully.

"Indeed we do, indeed we do."

He fumbled around with his jacket.

"Oh!" I made a few quick jumps to my bag, "Almost forgot this."

I took out a handkerchief in a soft yellow, folded it neatly and placed it inside my jacket's pocket. I observed myself in the mirror. Hopefully Niall notices how good I look. I do look good, right?

"Aw dude, should have gotten one of those for myself. Got another one?" I looked around the room. "A white one, cause it will look-"

"Yea, yea, I think I have another one. Wait. Yes. Here it is. There. Now you're just as stylish as I am."

Most certainly it's gonna be all over Tumblr tomorrow, 'Niam with handkerchiefs'.

"Oh yeah. We gonna have a jolly good time!"

Out the dressing room and ahead towards the stage. The guys were waiting for us just round the corner. You could feel they were nervous as well, it's always like that before a show, but in the end it's okay because we're all in it together, you know?

Niall buttoned his jacket and jammed his hands into his pants' pockets. He turned up his swag. He put on an arrogant smirk. Louis picked up on it immediately.

"Mr. Horan! So glad to see you!" He shouted and they shook hands.

"Mr. Payne." He then shook hands with me.

"Mr. Malik."

"Mr. Tomlinson."

"Mr. Styles."

"Mr. Horan."

"Mr. Styles."

"Mr. Tomlinson."

"Mr. Horan."

"Mr. Malik."

"Mr. Payne."

We all shook hands in a very serious and business like manner. I finally got to hold Niall's hand, barely able to contain my grin. We stood round in a circle snickering. Niall was on my right and Harry on my left and I just couldn't NOT pull them into a group hug.

The tension was gone now. All was good. I could just feel tranquility settling within my chest, lazily flowing to my limbs.

We are five guys, five best friends. We have the best fans ever, even if they always scream a little too much. Five boys in gorgeous clothes, about to give their best on stage. So lucky.

Oh, right, let me tell you about the suits. We were all wearing the same - perfectly black formal shoes, slacks and a solid metal belt buckle, standing proud and holding a white button up shirt tucked inside, and, finally, a jacket of the same color as the slacks. Each of us had his suit in a different color, something they had chosen for us, a San Francisco show was something very special after all. If you ask me, the colors were chosen with great accuracy, they matched our looks _and_ personalities.

Lou was wearing a mix of brown and orange, a very specific and unique color actually. It was just dark enough to light up in a right way when hit by the projectors, and just light enough to give off a mysterious sexiness when in shadows. He moved a lot and smiled even more. Delightful.

Zayn's suit was a dark shamrock green, and it was as if it charged the air around him with sexual tension, it clung inzaynely good to his figure. He sung, he danced, he moved with great confidence, he radiated masculinity, and he didn't smile too much. He was a man in that suit. For the first time I pondered the idea of getting in bed with him and doing things to him in this very suit. Enchanting.

The team had chosen an extravagant sky blue for Harry. His hair was the usual tidy mess and he showed off his dimples every chance he got. He was truly cute, the way he swirled and teased the fans, the way he shook his curls. Harry was probably the one that stood out the most of all of us, but he didn't take advantage of it and let us each have our spotlight moments. Glorious.

My color was violet/purple. Now, I don't want to sound narcissistic or anything, but I thought I look pretty damn awesome. My hair was not too long or too short, held in place by just the enough amount of chemicals, the final touch of the handkerchief in my pocket. Boy, I was smokin. Exquisite.

My boy? My perfect leprechaun? Oh, he was in dark blue. Oh, he was hot beyond belief. Yes, yes. Bloody fantastic! The dark color of the suit made his pale complexion stand out the same way his dark shirt did the other day at the amusement park. And you have no idea what that did to my poor confused heart. Hormones raced to my groin and warmth flooded my chest. The crowd exploded when they saw how fucking wonderful he looked (since we didn't get on stage together, but were instead kept in the shadows and hit by the projectors one by one). No one can hold a candle to my blonde. With his sexily ruffled hair, invitingly opened shirt (just the first two buttons, okay, he isn't a slut) and intoxicating voice. With his adorable little smiles, eyebrow lifts and spins. And his accent, of course. Mix it all together and you know you got the best of both worlds. Of all worlds, should I say. Niall Horan. Marvelous. Stunning. Flawless.

Not mine.

I made sure to throw as many furtive glances at him as possible while we were singing the chorus of 'What Makes You Beautiful'. My little Tumblr adventure has taught me a lot of things and one of them is that every photo of any two guys in the band together can be seen as having a gay side to it. Niam, Niam, Niam. I can't wait to see these tomorrow.

Let me have my dreams, okay?

Oh, also, my handkerchief helped in another way too, aside from making me incredibly elegant and hot. It kind of absorbed the fluid my heart turned into when it melted. When did it melt? When Niall finished our show with his solo in 'Moments', of course. So afterwards I could squeeze it out and back into my chest.

The club wasn't too big, but it wasn't small either. There were a lot of people, so we left two members of the security outside, just in case something turns up. Louis knew the owner of the place, so we had no trouble with fans or anything (I actually don't know how he did it). We had a good table on the second floor which wasn't exactly a story on its own since the dancefloor was downstairs. We all left our jackets there, we hadn't bothered to change. I couldn't help but notice how me and Zayn's muscles bulged under our shirts with every movement. Man, we mad hot.

I was happy. The show went extremely well. I was pumped. I was having fun tonight. Harry and Louis had to kind of hold back a little since they had girls back home, but me, Zayn and Niall were free to go crazy. And that's what we all planned on doing. I went to the bar to get myself a drink (no problems with that either, it's good to be famous) and saw that Zayn was already making out with some chick and Niall enjoying himself dancing with a girl. Jealousy stabbed at my heart, but my shields rose and kept it out. Kind of. I was going to have fun. Who knows what could happen, right? My crush on Niall is something entirely different. Yes.

I busied myself on the floor, several girls came over, we danced, spoke over the music and got confused answers, laughed and drank. I was actually enjoying this very much, all troubles forgotten. I excused myself to go get drinks and turned just in time to see it happen.

There was this guy there, about our age. He was skinny and would've been cute in the face if it wasn't for the arrogance in his eyes. He didn't look tough or anything, but the moment you saw him you knew he was trouble.

Apparently Niall had bumped into him and spilled his drink. As I neared I could see that my boy was apologizing and, I suppose, offering to get him another one. The kid though decided it was best to show what kind of a spoiled prick he is and hit him.

He hit him.

_He hit Niall._

**_He hit my love._ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of a cliffhanger, sorry. Tehre aren't many in the next chapters, promise.


	4. 3.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a few cringe-worthy moments here and I'm really sorry, but as I said, it gets better as the story progresses!

Something just snapped, you know?

Niall stumbled backwards in shock. A thin string of blood flew out of his left nostril. His eyes fluttered, his hands went to his face. A flow of blood poured out of his nose.

The kid wasn't satisfied. His dominance encouraged him to do more. I literally felt the blow on my body as he delivered it to Niall's gut, sending him doubled over on the floor where seconds ago people were standing, observing. No one caught Niall. He lay on the ground for what seemed like hours, but were probably fractions of a second.  
I saw no more. My body went numb, blood roared in my ears, the world became a blur. I wanted to plunder, to strangle him. To mindlessly grind his head into a bloody chainsaw.

I shoved Louis off of him, took him by the collar of his shirt and smashed his nose. The crack echoed in my ears and if it was a different situation I definitely would have cringed myself. It was his turn to hold his face. I gave him a second to recover and then crushed his internal organs with my knee.

You like how it feels, bro?

I didn't let him fall to the ground. I shouted at him to stand up and fight, and he did. Zayn was by my side then. He slammed the guy onto the bar, but I shoved him away. I stood the kid up. He didn't even get a chance to swing at me. I was blind with rage, the image of Niall hunched up on the floor in pain burning in my mind. I gathered all the strength in my body and pummeled.

" _ **NO ONE TOUCHES MY BOY! YOU HEAR ME, YOU PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT?! NO ONE!**_ "

I have no idea where exactly the strike landed, but the bastard was on the ground and I didn't care anymore.

My boy.

Suddenly any trace of rage left my body. I rushed to my blonde who had sat up and was leaning his back on the bar. Harry and Louis were by his side, trying to get his nose to stop bleeding. I kneeled beside him and carefully embraced his fragile frame.  
"Are you okay?" I asked softly. I'm sure it showed on my face exactly how crazy worried I was.

Niall smiled a little.

"Of course I'm okay, it was nothing. Look, even the bleeding's stopped," he tried a reassuring smile, but I didn't buy it.  
"I'm sorry." I started shaking my head.

He seemed genuinely confused.

"For what?"

"Well...for this, I should have been looking out for you! Like we all do. But I was-"

"That's nonsense, come on, bro, you can't be thinking that," he smiled and put his hand on my shoulder, "I'm not a little boy, I can look after myself, and besides, nothing happened, I'm fine."  
I suddenly became aware of the pain in my hand. My knuckles were pretty badly bruised, I must have caught them on a tooth or something. Niall noticed too and grimaced.

People were staring at us, Harry and Lou were nowhere to be seen. The music had stopped, the sound of a siren clear over the one of people talking. To me it seemed that hours had passed, but it couldn't have been more than a minute or two.

I was just getting up to look for the others when Zayn appeared out of nowhere. He kneeled next to me.

"Dude, you knocked him out!" he hissed, clearly worried.

"I did?" I..what? Oh god...

"Yes! Cops are coming..." he looked around.

Okay. Okay, what?! Ohh no, no, no..

"For him, right?" sayyessayyes

Zayn shook his head. He bit on his lower lip.

"Shit." that was Niall, a troubled expression on his face.

"Stay with him, I'll find Harry and Louis."

"They're with the kid, trying to get him to wake up or whatever."

Shit. Just..Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. This is so fucked up, I'm screwed. Where the hell are the security guys? Oh, there they are. This is gonna be everywhere tomorrow. Shit, shit, shit, the management's probably already heard about it...

I put my hand on Harry's shoulder and cops and security rushed through the crowd. I raised my hands in the air, a cold wave swarmed over my body. This is happening. Hands were all over me, within seconds mine were cuffed behind my back.

"Take him to the hospital, to get checked, okay?" I said calmly.

My mind tried to race, but only tossed back an forth between numbness and panic. Could they charge me? I was only defending Niall? The management's going to kill me? Will they kick me out of the band? Is it possible? I knocked him out? Am I going to jail now? What if I did permanent damage? It's not possible, right? Can someone bail me out? Are they arresting him too? We're going to have to do an official statement about this? What if I do go to jail? He started it?

I was left standing crushed next to the police car while one of the cops was fumbling with a bunch of papers in the front seat. The other one was still inside. I guessed they were trying to get a clean story. The lads will back me up. I looked away from the entrance of the club. It was a beautiful night, clear, warm, not very loud. A forlorn cloud floated above my head. One moment it was a dragon, next it was an eye. Cold metal bit into my wrists.

Another police car arrived, this one without it's sirens on. Someone walked up behind me. I stepped away from the door, assuming it was the other cop who was gonna open the door for me. Instead, I saw Zayn. His hands were behind his back too. My eyes widened. What..

"Why is he cuffed too? He didn't do anything! Let him go, he didn't do anything!"

No chance of getting my hands out of the handcuffs.

"Chill, kid" started the cop, a man with an ugly face of about 40, while opening the door, "We got information he threw some punches too. Come on."

Zayn didn't move and neither did I.

"We--I was only defending my friend, that other kid started it, aren't you going to-" yes, they are.

The bloody face of the fucker who dared to touch my boy emerged from the entrance of the club, a cop supporting him from behind. He was cuffed too. He appeared quite dizzy. He stumbled and would have fallen if the cop hadn't caught him.

"Come on, kid" Zayn was already getting in the car. "We'll get the story straight, but for now you're going to the station. You knocked him out."  
The door slammed after me. Zayn was looking at his feet. I realized I was trembling. The cuffs clawed at my skin again.

I rubbed my wrists, glad to be able to stretch my arms. I carefully sat down on the bench next to Zayn. The cell wasn't too big, a regular police station prison cell. It was cold, it smelled like urine and vomit. The floor was dirty with things I don't even want to know the origin of. A metal toilet bowl stood to the far wall. How did we get here? I felt dirty, as if we had been caught selling cocaine or shoplifting.

I shifted uneasily.

"You're beating yourself up over it, don't. It wasn't your fault."

"I didn't even do anything wrong! I just..I don't know what happened, but I just had to defend Niall and it just snapped and I couldn't stop myself..!"

"I understand. It's okay."

I stared at him, calmly picking at his thumb's nail.

"We're in jail, do you see that? I beat up a guy and sent him to the ground unconscious. Niall got beaten up. He got beaten up, for Christ's sake, we're in jail!"

"Stop shouting, I know, I'm not blaming you!" he barely raised his voice, but I shut up. "And Niall didn't get beaten up, he took a punch to the face! Stop overreacting, alright? It's okay, they can't even charge us for this, you were defending him. Stop panicking."  
I blinked. I realized he was actually right. Yes. I was panicking. Of course they can't charge us.

Zayn laughed.

"I can't believe you are the one that's thinking irrational."

Yeah, Liam, what the hell are you doing.

It's true though. I thought about it, I saw it - Niall was okay. I had snapped because...well, because he was my little Irish blonde and my bestest friend.

"What about the management?"

Zayn winced. Yeah, that's how I'm feeling too, bro.

"I don't know, man...I'm really hoping they will be understanding. But the problem with the media remains, the whole thing is probably gonna get blown out of proportion by tomorrow evening and then..." he shook his head.

"We'll figure something out."

"Yeah."

"You know why I actually did it, right?"

Zayn laughed sexily again.

"I know. I would have done the same." he smiled, "And I did try, actually, but Mr. Superman here does his business alone. Did you notice how no one even dared trying to get you off the kid?"

He laughed and I laughed along. The burden and the fear were gone in an exhale. I had overreacted and this was stupid. And we'll be okay, and how could I think I was gonna get kicked out of the band? Funny shit...

"The guys are probably going to pay the..the bail soon." Zayn unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt and leaned back.

I sucked on my bruised knuckles. My shirt had a few crimson stains from when I had hugged Niall. Well that's a bummer. Probably won't come out.

"Hey have you thought about telling them that you're..that, you like guys?" his voice faltered a little and a blush spread over my cheeks.

"Well...I really don't know. I guess I should, but I'm not too sure if, if I'm really bi yet. Maybe it's just for Niall." I cleared my throat, "Have you?"

Zayn replied with silence and I looked over to see than he was chewing on his lip thoughtfully.

"I suppose I should too. I mean, I'm pretty sure that I..like guys, in general. Even if it's just sexual. Which I'm not too sure about."

I nodded.

"Well, no rush, you know? If...you don't feel ready, if you don't feel like doing it...it's alright."

"You are pretty hot in that suit though. I wouldn't mind taking it off for you." I stated matter-of-factly. Zayn laughed again and slapped my arm.

The room wasn't big, but it was cozy. Two single beds with covers in happy colors. The walls were painted in a soft yellow. The floor was covered by a thick carpet, everywhere. The small balcony looked out on the ocean. Well, not exactly, but roughly speaking it did. But those are all details I noticed the next morning.

Niall placed his suitcases next to the bed that was closer to the balcony and started rummaging through it, quickly getting ready for sleep. I did the same, but took a minute to place a few shirts on the hangers in the wardrobes. My cosmetics took their place on the little table next to Niall's suitcase.

We raced to the bathroom and fought for the privilege of getting to pee first. I laughed my ass off, everything was back to normal. Not that it ever was...I mean, yeah. Guess who won?

"Hurry up, brooo!" I called out while pacing in a small circle in front of the door. Just hearing him pissing created the possibility of accidentally letting a stream trickle down my loose boxers' leg. "What are you doing, playing with yourself?"

Niall laughed and flushed the toilet. Oh, look now I'm getting hard thinking about him grasping his tool...Hey, remember when I got arrested? Yeah.

The bathroom door opened and my blonde stepped out. He held out his hands smiling devilishly as if to touch me, but I stepped back (more of an automatic gesture, if you must know, I actually don't really mind...).

"Wash your hands, fool, I'm going in."

Peeing with the guy I'm sorta in love with washing his hands right there behind you wasn't hard. I mean, since that guy is my best friend who has seen my ding-a-ling a lot of times, before and after I became aware of my feelings for him.

I threw myself down on my bed and pulled the covers up. I'm gonna take a shower tomorrow, yes, we will have plenty of time before the signing. Niall Came out of the bathroom with a glass in his hand. That boy.

"No water on the nightstand, mate!"

He laughed.

"What, didn't you like listening to me talking in my sleep from up close?"

"Please! You know very well you don't talk in your sleep, you sleep like bear on Christmas."

My cute boy went into a fit of the cutest laughter and I laughed along. The actual reason, as you can probably figure out for yourselves, was that I didn't want any boner accidents. I know he's going to be okay with it, but I will feel pretty bad. It's happened before, true, for both of us, but now it's different.

He plopped down on his bed with a heavy sigh. For the first time I allowed myself to stare at the purple circle with uneven edges on his belly for more than a few seconds, and I couldn't help but wince.

"What did the doctors say?" I asked seriously.

He busied himself with his covers.

"They said everything's fine, my nose is okay, save for a little clogging but they cleaned that out. I have no damage of my internal organs whatsoever. I'm okay," he smiled distractedly at me.  
"What about the...the bruise?"

"Well, they gave me this medicine, it's like creme. And I have to spread a bit of it on the spot three times a day or so."

"Well did you?"

Niall fluffed up his pillow.

"No, it's still too sore, I don't want to touch it."

"But you have to! So it heals!"

He didn't say anything. I jumped up from my bed.

"I'll do it for you, where is the medicine?"

"No, Liam, come on, drop it." he pleaded, "I'll start doing it tomorrow morning, I just don't want to touch it now, it hurts too much."

I was already going through his luggage, his cosmetics in particular. I'm not letting my boy go around like this, and as far as I know him, he won't start doing what the doctors told him tomorrow either.

"It's not there." he mumbled.

"Where is it then?"

He gave me a pleading look once again and I almost gave in.

"I'll be careful."

He sighed.

"It's in my jacket's pocket."

"The one you wore at the show or the other one?"

"The other one," he said, defeated.  
I held the small green box in my hands and examined it while making my way to his bed.

"Is it like a...balm or something?"

"I guess."

"I'll be careful, I promise. It won't heal if you don't do what the doctors said." we both knew it would heal on its own, but Niall didn't object.

I gently pulled the covers down to his knees. I vowed to be as gentle as possible. I couldn't stand causing my little leprechaun pain.  
His slender body was beautiful as always. For a moment I was even worried I'd pop a boner right there, from the sight of his sexy Bugs Bunny boxer briefs (do they even make these in bigger sizes?!), but then my eyes stopped on the purple blotch in the lower part of his body. Towards the edges it turned into a horrible yellow, and there was a bit of green at places too. I can't imagine how painful it must be for him. My eyes even watered a bit and I blinked rapidly.

"He got you pretty bad." I said softly.

"Yeah."

Anger boiled in me again.

"He hit you for nothing! And he didn't stop with your nose, but had to hit you in the stomach too! Like..who the fuck does that?!" boy, I was furious.

"Liam, calm down. It was nothing. I'm fine."

"It's not nothing! What if he had hit you with more strength? Do you know that you can die from such a blow to the gut?"

I realized I was shouting, but it didn't matter. It had finally hit me how serious this is, and there was no avoiding the topic. Niall looked down. I looked away.

"I shouldn't be shouting at you, it wasn't your fault at all, I'm sorry." I said quietly.

"Thank you for...defending me." he swallowed.

"Of course! What else was I supposed to do, stand by and watch while he makes up for having a tiny dick by beating you up?"

He smiled and the light in the room got just a bit brighter.

"I could have fought him back." he offered.

"I know."

"Hey, love birds, keep it down." Harry poked his head in our room. "Daaaym, that looks bad!"

He came over and leaned down to examine the bruise on Niall's belly while my eyes took in his naked body.

"That's what I was just telling him, this is serious."

Harry moved his gaze between me and Niall, suddenly serious. He leaned forward and somehow managed to pull us both into a half hug.

A faint shout came from the adjacent room.

"Harry, come on, I wanna turn off the lights and get some sleep already!" Louis sounded frustrated.

"Oh! Better run!" Harry quickly turned his back to our laughter and ran out of the room. I did notice that his 'manhood' that he liked showing around all the time started rising when he heard Louis though. Can't hide anything from me, Haz.

I smiled at Niall. The little box had warmed in my hands. I placed the cap on the bed next to me and took a little glob of the white substance.

"Here goes. It won't hurt that much, I promise."

I tenderly applied the ointment to the purple skin, spreading it in small circles with my index and middle fingers. I looked up to see that Niall had closed his eyes. I took a little more of the balm and gently moved my fingers to the central part of the horrid bruise. My baby cringed and I immediately removed them. He gave me no encouragement to proceed, but I did anyways. As soon as my fingers touched his skin, he shifted and I accidentally pressed on his skin harder. He let out a yelp.

"Stop moving, you idiot, I'm gonna be done in seconds." I was trying to sound confident but in reality I wanted to punch myself for not being more careful.

I finished with the bigger spot and examined his skin. Hopefully the medicine works. I kind of wished he'd let me treat the bruise from now on though. A good excuse to touch him more affectionately.

"I wasn't that bad, was I?" I asked getting up.

"Actually no." he smiled again and pulled his covers up. "Thanks."

"Anytime."

I got in my bed and turned off the lamp on the nightstand. I laid on my back with my hands under my head. Niall wasn't asleep either, you could tell by his breathing.

"Niall?"

"Yeah"

He should know.

"I like guys." this came out bad. It just hung there heavily. Half right, half wrong.

I could hear Niall shifting. His face was towards me as if he was regarding me.

"Okay. That's good to know." he laughed. there was a pause. "So you're like...gay?"

"Not really. I like girls too. I'm not sure about everything yet."

"Oh."

"How did you figure it out?" it was evident in his voice that this was uncomfortable for him, but he was making an effort. Perhaps there was a dose of curiosity too.

"Well...there's someone. And..yeah."

"Oh."

At this point cold sweat was covering my forehead and palms. Shit.

"So I thought I'd tell you," I said hesitantly.  
"Am I the first to know?"

"Not really, Zayn was. But only because he...helped me figure it out," how wrong that sounded.  
"He helped you figure it out? Really?" Niall laughed.

"Not like that, idiot." I laughed with him. Something like that always lightens up the atmosphere.

"I'm glad you told me. I feel honored." he said with an audible smile, "And I'm okay with it, if you were ever worried or anything. Just don't stare at my crotch for too long or I might turn gay too."

Well that was lame, but I laughed anyways. My boy is okay with it.

Life is good.


	5. 4

_He smiles at me and snuggles up closer, and it's bright and hazy. I get the urge to hold and protect him and his hands are rough but warm and he calls my name in a whisper and I drown in the sweet smell of his blond hair and then I'm falling, falling, falling into comfortable darkness..._

Someone was shaking my shoulder. My eyes opened drowsily. A groan escaped my lips. My hand shot to shield my eyes.

'C'mon, wake up. You gotta come out and see this.' Harry's nosey voice boomed over me.

I scooted far from him.

"I need ten more minutes."

"Nooo! You're missing out on all the fun! Come on, you'll grab a coke, you'll sleep on the flight." he tugged on my blanket.

I uncovered my eyes. He was smiling, curls framing his cute face.

"You've dressed." boxers is quite a lot of clothing for him. It's...10 am, after all.

Harry grinned just as music started blasting from the corridor. Ah. I grinned up at him.

I threw the covers off my body and followed Harry's hot bum (see, I'm getting better at this, I just admitted Harry's ass is sexually appealing) out of the room.

Not much could be seen in the dim light of the corridor until Zayn opened the door to the room opposite of mine and Niall's. Oh wow. Have you ever been in the presence of three toned lads with ruffled hair in just their boxers who are dancing to Can't Touch This? Yeah, I almost fainted too.

Spins, dodges, ass shakes, hands in the air...

"Follow the video, follow the video, look at those jumps yeah!" Louis was the most enthusiastic as always, Harry following his moves with a satisfied expression, Niall on the verge of giving up because of the laughter rising in his throat.

Yeah, side to side, jump and throw those legs in opposite directions. The guys were really too uncoordinated in the small space to do anything properly, but they sure weren't giving up! I was laughing my ass off next to Zayn when it occurred to me that this may need to be filmed.

"Get a camera, get a camera, Zayn!"

"Noo, you're not filming this!" shouted Niall through laughter and held up his hands.

Oh yea I am, you think I won't like to have a little more jack off material?

"Come on, potato, crotch thrust, do it with me, do it with me!" Louis jumped next to him and forced Harry on his other side.

"ZAYN, GET THE FUCKING-yeah, quick."

I turned the camera on just in time to capture three lads grabbing their crotches and thrusting forward unsynchronisedly. Louis proceeded with rocking his body from side to side, drawing circles with his hands and slapping his cheeks rhythmically, while Harry and my sexy Irishman, already given up, laughed from the sides.

The song came to an abrupt ending and Louis froze.

"Come on, come on, play something else, I wanna film more of this!" I said and moved forward to stick Zayn's phone in Niall's face.

"Kay, Niall, this one's for you!" Louis started the song, and we all recognized the catchy beat with loud 'ooohhh's even though Louis was blocking the screen.

"Dance, come on, woo!" he started shaking his ass again.

_For you I'd write a symphony_

Louis made an emotional face at the invisible object of his love.

_I'd tell the violin, it's time to sink or swim_

Niall was dancing in sync with the dance in the video and Harry was repeating his gestures, while Lou did his own thing. I handed Zayn the camera. I moved next to my boy and tried to follow the video, unsuccessfully of course.

"You know the dance?"

"Only the part in the beginning where Justin dances." he laughed embarrassedly.

"I JUST NEED SOMEBODY TO LOoOOOooOoOOVEEE" we all sang and I grabbed Niall the way Harry grabbed Louis.

Zayn laughed circling us with the camera while we emotionally moved around each other, the confession of how much we need somebody to love in every spin. I enjoyed touching Niall and cherished the times when he touched me. And it was a brotherly touch, from both sides, even if mine was full of mixed love.

The song ended.

"Well that was fun. I have to pee." Louis hurried into his and Harry's room and closed the door, locking Harry outside.

"Lads, we can't let anyone see that video!" Niall said through laughter.

"Why, I think the world needs-"

"Louis, open the door! Open the goddam door, I need to start dressing for the signing!"

"-to know about this." Zayn said.

"Yeah because you aren't in it.." I honestly didn't mind though, we do what we do.

"Louis Tomlinson, open that door!"

"Give me a second, babe!"

"I'm gonna tickle the crap out of you, open the door!"

"Liam? Should we maybe upload it to YouTube?" Zayn grinned at Niall.

"Guys..."

"Louis, sweetie, would you open the door for me?"

"Nanaannanaaa-nanana, never mind I'll find, someone like youuuuuu..."

"Yeah, I think if the team edited it a bit in terms of quality of the sound and the picture, it will be great for YouTube. Or...should we make it like..like people need to unlock it first, to see it?" I contemplated.

"You mean like what we did with the 1DCyberPunk whatever stuff?"

"Yea, exactly. Let's just talk to the team first."

Niall shook his head smiling and went back to our room. Harry had his back pressed against the wall to the side of the door to their room. Next thing you know, Louis sticks his head out of the room and Harry's barging in. Sweet boy laughter echoed. Me and Zayn returned to our rooms smiling happily.

Life with four brothers is great fun.

My gorgeous love was sprawled on his bed in all his morning beauty. I went out on the balcony and breathed the slightly polluted air. It was a beautiful late morning, with a clear sky, glistening ocean and the din of people in their vehicles headed out to do their business.

The breeze rolled into our room, forcing Niall to cover himself up from the waist down. I looked through my shirts and took a few out. Next I laid two pairs of pants on my bed. Now shoes. Nah, I'll figure the shoes out later. Okayy, do we want to look casual or a little more formal?

"Aren't you gonna get dressed?" I asked over my shoulder.

Yeah, just a t-shirt and a hoodie. It's quite hot outside, maybe..maybe shorts.

"When do we have to be ready?"

"We have to be in the lobby at 12, I think."

"Are we coming back here after the signing?"

Okay, so it's the white California Republic shirt aand..the gray shorts.

"No, I don't think so, the flight's at 6 or so."

I sorted my clothes out, laid the ones I was going to wear later on my bed, put the rest back nicely in my suitcase. On my way to get a towel from the bathroom I noticed the little green-white box with ointment on the table.

"Did you treat your bruise this morning?" I called nonchalantly from the bathroom, I didn't want to sound accusing or anything, he shouldn't have to lie to me.

He was silent. I emerged from the bathroom, towel in my hands, trying not to show how mad/disappointed I am. I looked at him expectantly, but calmly too.

"It still hurts, I had to sleep on my back all night or it would hurt too much."

I fumbled with my belongings, trying to stay as calm as possible while looking for the bag with clean underwear. Niall was silent again, but I could tell he was watching me.

"Can you..do it for me again?"

Stay cool, Liam, stay cool.

I turned around with a distracted expression. Keeping feelings under control can be hard. Yes.

"Sure, do you want me to do it now or after I get out of the shower?"

"Now, I guess, cause I'm gonna take a shower too later and I want it to..well, dry out, you now."

I took the balm and sat on the side of his bed, trying very hard not to show how eager I was to do this. I pulled the covers off my boy's body. I bit my lip at the sight of the purple spot that now had a shade of green here and there too.

"I'll be careful." I said to answer his unspoken question.

I was even more gentle in handling the treatment of my love's bruise that time. I applied more of the ointment, to make sure it heals faster.

"Hey, do you think Harry and Louis...?" I asked while dipping my fingers in the white substance.

Niall shrugged.

"Possibly."

"Well it sure would be pretty cool.." I laughed and he shook his head. "Okay, almost done."

I moved closer because I was gonna do the most badly hurt part of his belly, so I wanted to see better, and my arm brushed the soft fabric of his boxers. I muttered an apologize and we laughed about it, like we always do in such situations. But then as I was leaning close to spread the medicine I couldn't help but throw a furtive glance in the direction of his crotch.

_Something there was swelling and rising._

I went on applying the ointment and looked up.

_He was biting his on his lower lip._

A pulse ran through my body and rested in the tips of my fingers and along my jaw. My dick jumped. The pulse wasn't going away, quietly buzzing in my fingers. I leaned in closer and tried to focus on the task at hand.

"All done." I said shakily and faked a smile.

"Thanks, bro."

He knew I'd noticed. Usually we'd joke about either of us getting hard, but this time I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I quickly grabbed my towel and ran into the bathroom, stopping only to put on my flip flops. Normally I'd take my boxers off in the room, but not this time.

The spray of warm water hit the top of my head, rained on my shoulders and flowed down my body. My erection wasn't going down. Shocker. A bit of shampoo should do for lube. I closed my eyes and grasped my boner. Images of Niall dancing half naked, Niall grabbing his crotch, Niall biting his lip, Niall getting a boner as if just waiting for me to crawl over him and take care of it, flashed through my mind and the pulse was back, buzzing stronger than ever in my toes, along my jaw line, at the tip of my dick.  
I pressed my forehead to the shower door and picked up my pace, now holding my balls tightly. Yes. I'd take care of it alright, I'd lick and suck and nuzzle and lick again, and I'd drink his moans directly from his lips. Yes. My hand on my dick was blur, squeezing, doing circular motions, massaging the head, and, yes, oh God, yes, there it is...  
My balls drew tight to my body, my knees buckled, the world burned, ecstasy enveloped my mind and body and I put all my strength in stifling a scream while several jets of hot creamy fluid flew from the tip of my dick and onto the shower door.

I panted. Oh God. Oh Lord. Oh Sweet Mother Of Jesus. Oh Holy Indian Cow and other godly figures like Budha and Shiva. Suddenly aware of the sound of the water and the TV in the room again, I started panicking. How long did this take me? Not too long, right? I think it was pretty fast actually. Wow. I haven't had an orgasm this good in a looong time.

I quickly washed my hair and started soaping up my body. I was working on my legs when Niall knocked on the door, saying he needed to pee. I couldn't say no, of course. Thank God the shower door wasn't transparent. He entered and went about with his business. Now, we're brothers, we're best friends, we have no problem walking around each other naked or anything (even if I'm mad in love with him, yes), but this...It's just...okay, shower time is something very intimate and private for both of us. And we know it very well.

I'm not mad because he violated my privacy, in a way, but it's very peculiar - he is coming into my most special and intimate...moments, you know? What if I had been in the process of getting off? In a way this is great. It's like..we're much closer. But...

Am I over thinking this?

Hey, what about the boner. I never really thought about that. Did he get hard because I was touching him? Or because my hand happened to brush past his dick? Or...or because we mentioned Harry and Louis? Or just late morning wood?

Yeah, I'm over thinking it.

I got out of the shower and Niall went in after me. I needed to shave , but it was getting pretty late, so, nervous as hell, I decided to try Niall's tricks.

"Nialler, I need to shave, I'm coming in!"

"Okay!"

Okay. He didn't show any signs of embarrassment while I spread the shaving foam over my cheeks.

"Sing to me!"

He chuckled adorably.

"What do you want me to sing? I haven't sung in the shower in ages, wow."

"Your choice." I carefully brought the razor to my cheek.

"Okay...Have you seen this movie, Stand By Me?"

"I think so. A long time ago though. Why?"

"Well, there's this song from the soundtrack of that movie, _Lollipop_ by The Chordettes. I used to sing it while showering a lot after seeing the movie, which is amazing by the way, you should watch it."

"We'll watch it together sometime." and then something in my chest fluttered.

_Lollipop, Lollipop, oh-lolli-lolli-lolli  
_ _Lollipop, Lollipop, oh-lolli-lolli-lolli  
_ _Lollipop, Lollipop, oh-lolli-lolli-lolli  
_ _Lollipop.._

He made a poping sound with his finger and I laughed. That kid. He went on about how he calls his baby 'lollipop' and about apple pie, and I conveniently pretended he was singing about me while I contemplated whether I should shave the light stubble framing my mouth.

"Hey! Hey, shut up for a minute. Will I look good with a goatee of some sort? Or something?"

My wet leprechaun poked his head through the shower door and considered the foam frame around my mouth.

"No, I don't think so. Your face..I don't know, it's just not the type a goatee or a moustache would look good on. You could try light stubble though."

I finished shaving my face, and Niall continued his cheerful song about long gone times of fairs where they sell candy on a stick and people are as careless as they can be.

By the time I was done packing and getting dressed, Niall was still half naked mooning about in search of his socks, so I decided to go down to the lobby, get a drink and wait for everyone to come down.

Zayn was leaving his room just as I left mine. He looked stunning in a white wife beater and dark lumberjack shirt. Wow. He gave me one of those unreadable stares, then his eyes slid down my body.

Is he checking me out?!

He bit his lower lip, turned and proceeded down the corridor without a word.

The signing was good. Girls poured in the big hall like a herd of wild savanna animals, screaming as if they'd seen One Direction. Oh wait.

The instructions of the management were to just go straight about what happened last night with as little detail as possible. Pictures had already made it to...all over the internet, pretty much. But the bosses were understanding. Kind of. Yeah, I did get a serious scolding for letting things get a little out of control, but at least Niall's mum said I'd done exactly what I was supposed to.

I'm so glad to finally head home. We have a month of leisure ahead of us. I really wanna go see friends, family and other animals of the sort and do some serious sleeping.

We landed in New York at precisely 9:38 pm and braced ourselves for two solid hours of waiting for our transatlantic flight. Even though it was summer, there weren't too many people at the airport. Probably because it was a weekday? I guess.

I settled in a comfortable seat next to the gate which we'd be leaving through later on and took out a hardcover volume of _Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince_ in a perfect condition.

"Hey, Dumbledore, slow down on that book or soon you'll be running around straddling a broom!" Zayn said and laughed sexily from the row of seat across me while looking for somewhere to plug in the charger of his laptop.

"Hush, that guy, the main character, is named after me, that's a great book!" replied Harry.

I opened the beautiful book and was met with the familiar smell of paper. Ah. Such a great moment.

And then a fantastically gorgeous creature under the name of Niall James Horan plopped down in the seat next to mine. He smiled, and it hit me, the clear memory of my dream. Oh boy.

I licked my lips.

"Mind if I lie down?" he asked.

"Nope." came the dry answer.

He took out a book for himself, moved around and finally laid his head comfortably on my thigh. I caught a glimpse of the funny cover: _The Westing Game,_ before he opened the book, sighed contently and started reading.

"Haven't heard of that book, what's it about?"

"It's a bit confusing, I'm still in the beginning, but I think it's some sort of a funny mystery novel. They're all a bunch of weirdos that have to find a treasure or something."

My hand hesitated over his body for a long moment, and then shyly settled on his chest. His piercing blue eyes met mine. I like to think something passed between us in that moment. He looked down at his book again, almost dropping it.

My world was perfect then. But it was also a complete disaster. So close, yet so far away...I could try and enjoy it, right? A feeble attempt at settling things, but I'd go with it.

I smiled. I rubbed the beautiful boy's cotton covered chest and marveled the delicate yet so masculine charm of his face.

Zayn was smiling, looking at us. He took out his phone and snapped a picture, then blew a kiss to my pout.

I smiled back and then bore into the world of wizardry and ginger kids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cringe worthy again, I'm sorry, I was a bit dumb back then but yeah. It's cute in a way.


	6. 5

I lied. We left San Francisco at about 6:17 pm PST and landed in New York three hours later, at 12:38am EST. So it really was a little tricky. But we weren't too tired or anything, it hadn't been a long day. I personally was really looking forward to getting a good sleep on the flight home though, since we'd be arriving in the UK around noon. Who knows though, we might decide to sleep through the whole day. 

Our time at the airport, waiting for our flight, flew by pretty quickly. I mean, considering I had this gorgeous blonde so close to me, a great book in my hand, three other amazingly funny guys sitting across from me...  
Niall stayed in the same position, lying with his head on my leg, for quite a while and I enjoyed every bit of it. And not in a necessarily sexual or even romantic way. I mean, sure, it was amazing and it gave me a super warm feeling that I got to be so close to him, that he showed this affection for me, but it was also very...comfortable, cozy, as in...it really made me feel good about things. This general feeling that life is good.  

After almost an hour of sitting like that, with my boy comfortably resting on my leg, reading and occasionally throwing around remarks with the boys, he said he was getting too sleepy. He wanted to save his sleep for the flights though, where he would be able to "sprawl on a seat like a boss and sleep through the vastness of the Atlantic Ocean", so he decided to go around the shops in the terminal and maybe get some food with Zayn and Louis. 

I missed him. I realized how much fonder of him I'd grown over the past month or so, after coming to terms with my feelings and my sexuality. Well, okay, I'm not too sure about the whole sexual orientation thing yet, I still want to take my time and explore things, but... It really feels like things have changed, at least for me. It hurts more, but it also calms me. And something else, something that makes me really happy, regardless of how wrong I may be about it, is that Niall's been more affectionate with me lately. He'd brush my arm, pull me into sideways hugs, admire the softness of my hair (it really  _is_  remarkably soft though), walk in the bathroom to take a piss while I'm showering...I don't know. My heart sees all this as a positive sign that he certainly feels something for me. But if I think about it, I had been paying attention to all these little things, but only now, after admitting I might be bi in front of Niall, started seeing them in a different light. Because he took it so well, and my heart embraces every bit of hope it can get its hands on. 

I don't know. It's all too complicated so I shall get back to my book. I mean, obviously I can't talk to Harry - he's fully absorbed in his little game on his little fancy iPad. So I got back to reading the sentence over and over again while thinking about all this shit. What's my last hope? Zayn said that I will probably meet someone and that someone will get my mind of Niall and things will settle down. 

"Liam, I'm going to the bathroom, watch all the stuff here, okay?"

I guess I could cling to that, even if something inside is telling me it might not work.

"Sure."

I put down the book on the seat next to me and walked over to the big..windows, do you call them windows since they are this big?, next to the gate exit. A huge plane in dark blue and red was slowly approaching the terminal. Its dark windows flashed, reflecting the light coming from the terminal. As it got closer and closer I realized just how big it was, with the huge wings and...everything. I wondered what they were going to do with it since the still was an hour left till the official boarding time. Maybe they were cleaning it from the previous flight. Refilling it with fuel. Or no, I think they do the fuel thing somewhere else. I remember reading this story, "The Langoliers", by Stephen King and it was about this plane and when they had to refuel, they had to get it to the middle of the...well...Oh never mind. I'm gonna have to ask Niall about it. He knows a bit about planes. 

I'm so lonely right now, wherethehelliseverybody...I hope they bring me a shrimp sandwich. Oh there's Harry. Well he seems excited.

"Liam! Ohmygod are the others not back yet, I have great news!"

"No, they're probably choosing the best shrimp sa-"

"Listen! Uncle Jason just called, you know the one that came to a show and brought those ice cream buckets? And he's like, married to my mum's cousin?"

I remember him alright! That ice cream was so fucking amazing, and there was pink, orange, yellow, chocolate, vanilla, blue even...you don't see these things often anymore.

"Yeah, so he just called. He's got this uhh...villa, somewhere in Spain and he said that he wasn't gonna use it this summer because they are going to be traveling too much, so he offered to give us the keys and stuff and we can go there whenever we decide to!" he said too quickly for him and more than excitedly. 

"Oh damn, really?!" pretty damn exciting, considering we wanted to go on a vacation somewhere but didn't have anything planned..

"Yeah, we just have to talk to the management.." he pushed curls out of the way and grinned.

"I don't think there will be any problem, we got only the..oh, no, wait, three interviews in total?"

"And that photoshoot, but I think they are all next week."

"So we have the rest of June free?" 

"And the first two weeks of July too, I think."

"Oh wow...I think we can totally manage a good two weeks in Spain then." I scratched on the already growing stubble on my chin. 

I returned to my seat to impatiently wait for the guys to come back and Harry went back to his game, grinning to himself. There they are. Harry bolted off his seat and towards Louis chanting his name. Thank God he had enough sense to hand what he was carrying to Zayn because Harry literally threw himself in his arms and my shrimp sandwich missed the impact by a second. 

"Harry, sweetie, you need to understand that Louis needs a break sometimes, okay? But he will always be back to you and only you, don't worry." Lou reassured while trying to gently release Harry on the ground. 

Zayn sat in the seat on my left.

"Here you go." he handed me the sandwich "Niall said we should get you something to drink too, so I decided on a strawberry smoothie." 

Niall was just placing the many things he was carrying on a couple of seats on my right. He handed me the smoothie, handed Zayn his food and plopped down in the seat next to me, a round mini pizza in one hand. 

"But guys, listen! Louis, sit there!"

And Harry, in all his excitement, explained once again while we figured out the money deal for the food, and the guys were happy and we decided to talk to Ms Gerald, who is kind of the head of our whole team. She is a small woman, smaller than my boy even, but she can be real hard on us for all sorts of things. I was really glad when she was on my side after the incident in the club the other day.

We're going to Spain. Oh yeah. 

-

We were actually served 'dinner' on the plane, and it was quite delicious, I must admit. I will have to work out a little harder in the next week though. 

No one fell asleep in the first hour, I think, we were all busy with dinner, looking about, chatting quietly. Across the aisle from me was a family with a small boy. The boy was sitting in between his parents. He was a real cute little creature and reminded me of Niall a lot, with his darkish blond hair and never fading smile. He kept looking at me, leaning forward to see me past his mom. I waved. He giggled and waved back. I smiled at him, he smiled back, but then I didn't really know what more to do. 

"Hello there!" said Niall with a very serious expression, leaning forward in his seat. 

The little boy seemed a bit taken aback. He waved. 

"What's your name? I'm Niall." he remained serious.

"Tony." said the boy timidly, in a very melodic voice. His mother was observing the exchange with a smile. 

"It's very nice to meet you, Tony." my boy said, smiling a little, and nodded. "How old are you? If I may ask, of course."

"I'm five." Tony held up his palm. 

"I see. I was five too, but a long time ago." he nodded his head a couple of times again. "So where you going? Home? Or is this a business trip of some kind, perhaps you have a conference to attend in London?"

He was dead serious and I couldn't wait to see how the exchange would continue. Tony giggled despite his confusion. 

"No. Me and Mummy and Daddy are going to see grandma and her friend Joe."

"Ah." Niall nodded understandingly, "Do you like Joe? Because Joe is a very nce name, I imagine he must be quite a fun person."

"Yes, we play thumb war and watch Phineas and Ferb together." Tony smiled happily.

"OH! Thumb war? I love that game! Wanna play right now?" Nialler seemed genuinely enthusiastic to do it.

We moved around in the tiny space between the seats and finally settled with Zayn next to the window, me in the middle and my cute blonde to my right. Tony and his mother switched seats too, and he and Niall played thumb war. They laughed and teased, talked about TV shows like Phineas and Ferb and Zeke and Luther, about race cars and about Tony's grandma.

I marveled at how good Niall is with kids. He seemed genuinely intrigued by the conversation they were having, smiling, nodding, laughing. Not even once did he show in any way he might feel superior to the little boy because of his age. No, he treated him as an equal, asking for his opinion and discussing whether Zack from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody/The Suite Life on Deck was an actual douche. I adored him more than ever in those moments when he was talking to Tony, the top two buttons of his green polo shirt open, the definition on his arms showing subtly.

To my left Zayn was already sleeping, and when I looked between the seats, Harry and Louis were too. I looked around. Most of the people on the plane were sleeping. Soothingly quiet around. I pulled the hood of my hoodie over my head and nestled comfortably into my seat. 

I fell asleep to Niall's soft laughter. I dreamt of a perfect blonde boy, as usual. 

-

I was woken up by silent fumbling next to me and an elbow to my bicep. Niall, of course. 

"Sorry." he whispered, "Go back to sleep, go back to sleep..." he patted my arm. 

I looked around. Still pretty dark outside. Good, I have a lot of time to sleep left then. The little monitor above our heads showed a tiny plane rapidly approaching the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. 9:05 am GMT. Yes, I have sooo much time to sleep left. 

Niall continued his silent fumbling, now cursing under his breath. Oh. He had the familiar little green box in his hand, holding up his shirt under his chin. 

"Let me do it." I demanded.

And so I treated his bruise again. It honestly made me flinch, the terrible purple contours running through the now dark blue blotch. But I guess that was the moment that established this routine of me gladly taking 5-10 minutes of my time three times a day to make sure my little leprechaun's trauma heals properly. 

I went back to sleep afterwards, we all did. I didn't wake up till the pilot informed us that we will be experiencing minor turbulence, and that was at 11:45. The little plane on the monitor was very close to the little green island. A feeling of great happiness took over me. Finally home.

I'm coming home, I'm coming home, please don't tell the world that I'm coming home, I don't wanna get mobbed. 

After getting off the plane, we made a short trip to the supermarket before going home, against Harry's protests. We bought quite a lot of things to refill the fridge, the lady at the cash desk seemed pleased.

Unlocking the front door and inhaling the slightly stuffy air is one of the best experiences ever, I swear. I kicked off my shoes first on the little rug we had for that purpose. I went up the small flight of stairs leading to the 'parlor' and tried to figure out how many times I'd have to go up and down between the first and the second floor to get all my suitcases up. 

"Honey, I'm hoome!" called Louis while carefully placing his shoes on the rug, and when no one answered him, pouted, "Harry! You were supposed to run upstairs and pretend you had gotten home before me, so you can come down and give me a welcoming hug!"

We spent the afternoon laying around the house in various positions and places, doing absolutely nothing but watch TV, flip through magazines and occasionally doze off. I enjoyed having Niall to myself again, the encounter with Tony did get me quite jealous, I admit. We had pizza for dinner and then dragged ourselves to our respective apartments to finally get some real, satisfactory sleep in our own beds. Well, I'm fairly certain some of us shared a bed, but that's different story for a different day. 

I decided to do a little surfing online before going to sleep, I hadn't gotten my hands on a computer for a few days. I tweeted a few meaningless sentences, and then a couple about the 'tour' and the accident the other day. I didn't fail to mention Niall, of course, wishing him to get well quick and assuring fans he isn't hurt badly.   
I did go on Tumblr too. I explored different tags and laughed a lot - there were so many amusing edits and photos from different angles of all the crazy moments we had. There were a few bad quality images of what happened at the club too. Thankfully, my face wasn't looking too psycho. Cause that's how I feel about those few moments, I feel like I had completely freaked out. Two or three photos of me getting handcuffed, then standing with Zayn next to the police car. Another two or three of us getting pushed towards the police station. I typed in 'Niam'. 

Aaahhh. Now that's what I'm talking about. The handkerchief moment "melted the Niam shippers' little hearts" and my sneaky glances at Niall during WMYB didn't elude them either. It really warmed my soul too, I could dream the way they dreamed. And I would always have my best friend. So many beautifully edited pictures of us two on stage, sitting next to each other at the signings or for interviews, snippets of our little moments from the sneak peak of the upcoming video. The most frequently edited one was apparently the one Zayn took last night at the airport. It was really, really good picture though. My boy peacefully reading his book with an adorable expression of concentration, my hand comfortably on his chest, right next to his heart, me looking down at him with a dreamy smile (I'm such a little poser though)...Yeah. Made my...Liam? Niam? heart melt too...

And now, the time has come. Now we find out if I'm really bisexual. I tried looking up 'gay porn' on Tumblr. Some pretty...well, interesting things came up. There were a lot of pictures of big, muscled men and I found that a turn off, but then there were some gorgeous boys closer to my age and with not as strongly defined bodies.

I can swear that my dick literally jumped in my boxers when the picture of this amazing black haired guy came up. His skin was slightly dark for my taste, he had dark eyes that looked right into your soul, and mischief was written all over his masculine face, powered by a daring smile. I would suppose he was in his early twenties. He had a slim body, kind of swimmer's build, and an absolutely great specimen between his legs. How did I know it was so great? I can't really tell you...I just liked it. I liked the curve, the length, the hairless ballsack and the pink crown...Guess who that kid reminded me of. 

So I guess I am bisexual. If we're judging by the hardness of my dick and the amount of time it took me to reach climax while watching a simple video, I mean. I'm absolutely fine with blowjobs. Both receiving and giving. I haven't really seen Niall naked  _and_ hard, but I'd definitely suck his dick. And then, fucking...I don't know about that. Not that I didn't know how gay sex works, but seeing it on video...I'm afraid it might for hurt the receiving part. I know it  _will_  hurt for the receiving part, but...I don't know. 

Orgasming is really tiring. I had a great, a fantastic sleep! I woke up absolutely rested and in a great mood, I climbed out of bed to let a little air in and then snuggled back under the covers. I had missed my bedroom with its peach walls and neatly organized walk in closet. My bed - big enough for me and all my fluffy pillows (there's plenty of space for Niall too, if he wants to cuddle), faces a medium sized flat screen TV. It's kind of perfect, I really love the way it is. I don't wanna put up too much posters or anything. I think I might buy a good painting or something to hang over my bed though. And a mirror too, on the ceiling or at least a big one for the wall to the right. If I ever bring someone here for sexy times, I would really like to be able to see everything from different angles. 

I got the idea for the mirrors from Danielle, by the way. Back when we were dating, we'd have a good time in her bedroom every now and then, and I always appreciated that mirror she had opposite her bed. 

I savored the feel of the sheets on my skin for perhaps a quarter of an hour and then finally crawled out and into the bathroom. I took a leak, basically did my morning routine, greeted my chest hair (really proud of these guys) and then headed for the 'common room'. My apartment is on the second floor, opposite Niall's. There's a small hall in between our apartments which the stairs lead to and then, on both sides of the staircase, there are two short narrow corridors leading out into the common room, or the living room, or the game room and the kitchen to it, if you wish. 

I found Zayn sprawled on the couch watching TV while Lou was fumbling around behind the kitchen counter. 

"Good morning." I greeted, going straight to Louis.

"Mornin' " Zayn muttered and scratched at his chest. 

"Good morning to you too." smiled Louis.

"Watcha doin?"

"Stirring up batter mix for pancakes." he stated proudly, and I finally noticed the colorful apron covering his naked chest.

"Oh."

I quickly gravitated to the couch and climbed next to Zayn, boldly eyeing his protruding bulge. 

"Harry still sleeping?" I asked Lou.

"Yeah. He was quite tired last night." I knew it, I knew it! 

A few moments later a sleepy and very confused Niall came in rubbing his face. 

"Good morning you!" Louis greeted him rather loudly.

We mumbled our good mornings too. My eyes slid down from his sexy morning hair. He was wearing his sleeping pants, but had a shirt on too. Ah. The bruise. 

"Ugh, it's so fucking great being home, I had an amazing sleep..." my sweet blonde said in his thick accent.

"I know, right, I kissed my bed last night," Zayn laughed.

"Yeah, exactly, I rolled around in the sheets for half an hour just for the sake of the smell and feel of home!" Niall said.

"Did you...?" I nodded towards his stomach. 

"Not really, I forgot."

"Let's go."

We went to his apartment to do our business. A warm feeling spread through my chest when I saw the little stuffed leprechaun grinning from his night stand. Back in the living room I watched reruns of Jersey Shore with Zayn and a naked Harry while Niall and Louis flipped around pancakes. We had a splendid breakfast.

I suddenly got into a foul mood though. Niall was being his usual funny and goofy self, but no different in his attitude towards me than towards the guys. He spent quite a bit of time talking to Louis, planning to cook up a big dinner for us tomorrow. I was unreasonably jealous, of course. And then he went out shopping with him and Harry. Fuck my life. 

I pulled on a light summer jacket and went into the living room to grab a cookie before leaving.

"Going out?" Zayn asked from the couch. 

"Yeah."

"Where?"

"I'm just gonna go for a walk."

He appeared to be studying my face while I finished off the cookie.

"Want me to come?"

"It's fine. You have plans?"

"Yeah, I'm meeting a friend later."

"Have a good time." I smiled and left. 

There is this small park a few streets from our house, nothing too big, a bit of grass, pretty flowers, a few alleys and trees all around. The weather was just perfect that day, not too hot, but not cold either. The temperatures were probably in the mid twenties with a slight breeze and the almost complete lack of clouds made it more than pleasant to sit out in the sun. 

I walked there, doing my best to ignore the few curious stares I got. To be honest, my mood did brighten up a little. It was a beautiful day, really. I was wearing shorts so my legs were able to enjoy the unusual freshness of the air too. At the park I found a nice bench in the sun, a few benches over from two of old ladies quietly talking to each other. 

The flowers were gorgeous. Masterfully arranged, they drew a colorful circle - blue, purple, yellow and pink...I marveled how something so simple can be so breath taking. I thought about how there is one or two people that come here and take care of them, and how amazing their job is. 

There was a certain clearness to the air, everything seemed much more...vivid. As if all the pollution had been washed away. It filled me with some sort of contained excitement, soft happiness. A hope that things aren't that bad after all. 

Two dogs that seemed to be no one's pets were lying in the middle of the grass field. As far as I could see, they were not asleep, just looking about. A man on a bicycle passed down the alley on the other side of the field and the black dog chased after him for a few meters, barking but keeping it's tail high up. It spotted a seemingly random car and ran after it too, the other dog joining him now. 

"No! Don't go out on the street, you'll get your other leg fractured too...Come back here, come on..." someone called from the bench next to mine.

It was an old man with a short white beard and disheveled white hair. He wore an old dark green hat and a long beige threadbare coat. He noticed me looking at him and smiled. 

"They're really smart though." he nodded, "They know...they can recognize hobos, you know, they chase after them only." 

I smiled in return and went on observing the dogs. They chased after a few more random cars and then returned to the field. The orange one didn't lie down. It spotted another dog, a much bigger one and barked at it.

"Hey, come on now, don't, don't do that, he's your friend..." called the old man again and smiled at me. 

The orange dog seemed to have heard him and backed away, but the bigger one which didn't appear to be homeless, approached it. It seemed quite friendly. The two engaged in sniffling and chasing and were joined briefly by the black dog. 

"They're really clever, you know..." repeated the old man, smiled and nodded.

"You out for a walk? It's a great day..." I smiled.

"Yes, yes...just...walking around..." he didn't seem as friendly and eager to talk in his reply as most old people do, so I decided not to pursue a conversation. 

A thin thread of sky blue sadness and longing breached the perfectly bright veil that had fallen over my world for a bit. I wanted to share this moment with someone, someone special. I wanted to feel that bridge of understanding, of mutual happiness and content. A mop of the softest blond hair and eyes of the most dazzling blue came to mind. 

I sighed.

The old man in the threadbare coat slowly walked away. I did not make an attempt at saying goodbye. 

I closed my eyes instead. I tried escaping from the unpleasant thoughts, but found myself sinking deeper into the cold and damp substance of my loneliness. I opened my eyes and looked around. 

It is kind of stupid though. Why would I be lonely. If we ignore the whole deal with Niall, everything else is so awesome. I am Liam Payne, 1/5 of One Direction. 1/5 of a band of five best friends, five brothers, five people that fit together perfectly in spite of how different they all are. I am probably bisexual. I can very easily find a girlfriend or a boyfriend, but will this girl or boy be really what I'm looking for. 

And here I am, trying to put forward things that could hide my pain. 

I closed my eyes again and let the sun softly stroke it. I tried clearing my mind off everything, I tried just enjoying the moment. Surprisingly, it worked. I might have even dozed off, in the warm air among cheerful birds and greenery. 

I felt a presence, someone sitting down on the bench next to me. My eyes snapped open, ready to stare the intruder down. I melted in surprise, instead. Niall, my little leprechaun, my stunning blond Irishman...

He smiled timidly, as if he wasn't sure how I'd react, and indescribable joy filled my being, the world was suddenly so much brighter. 

"Hi." I breathed.

"Hey." he said simply. 

I tried a smile and it came out much bigger, warmer and sincere looking than I'd hoped. He smiled back and then looked down.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, praying not to have sounded angry.

"I...Zayn told me you went out for a walk. I thought I might join you, but then I couldn't reach you on the phone, so I just walked about for a bit before spotting you here. Is it okay..? Cause if you wanted to be alone..." he smiled apologetically. 

"No, no. Of course it's okay." I nodded my head, "I was just surprised that's all."

We sat in comfortable silence. The two dogs were rolling around in the grass and Niall noticed them too. He was smiling, and I smiled with him, warmth blossoming in my chest. There, there it is, the little bridge. How wonderful. 

He retrieved a bag from his side. 

"I brought your book, and cokes" he placed two books and two Coke cans on the bench between us and folded he bag, "I thought you might want to enjoy the afternoon..."

I smiled happily. I allowed myself to pull him into a tight hug, feel the softness of his hoodie, breathe the fantastic scent of his hair. 

We didn't pick up our books immediately. For a few minutes we just sat, enjoying the beautiful afternoon and sipping our drinks. 

"Is there something I need to-" he started and quickly corrected himself, "Is there something you might want to...tell me?" he did not look at me. 

Shit. Maybe I should...

"Not really. I tell you everything. Why?" I said, keeping my voice from faltering. 

"Just asking." I got the feeling that a lot was left unspoken.

He smiled at me and I smiled back. I grabbed my book.

"It's really...beautiful...don't you think?" he said. 

And I realized that every little moment mattered. Every snowflake counts. It made sense, in a soothing way. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting a tad bit better maybe?


	7. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go a little worse?

Is it strange that the whole time I was with my stunning boy in that beautiful park, on that wonderful day I had the tune of Lovebug playing in my head? 

It felt amazing just being able to sit there and read quietly. At several times I was absolutely engulfed by the adventures of the boy with the scar on the forehead, and when I'd lift my gaze, I'd get this amazing feeling of peace, seeing Niall next to me and suddenly becoming aware of the warm sun rays stroking my face. I enjoy being by myself, but I love it when I'm with the guys and we're doing something quiet too. Of course though, nothing can be compared to a few moments with Niall.

All his emotions show up on his face when reading because he gets so focused on the text. It's really amusing to watch him, he'd be cutely confused, he'd a smile happily or make a disappointed grimace. A few times I thought I could see him looking at me from the corner of my eye, but every time I looked at him he'd appear to be deep in his book. 

_Hopeless, head over heels in the moment..._

It did feel like a lot was left unsaid though, especially on my side. My heart was desperately trying to convince me Niall looked a little bothered too, like something is troubling him too. I ignored it. I couldn't fight the deep, heavy and dully painful longing to move closer to him, to interlock my fingers with his, to bury my face in his neck, to feel his arms protectively around me. It hung on my heart like a spider upside down, threads of the sticky web creeping up and up to cloud my mind. 

Maybe I should have told him. Maybe I should tell him.

Maybe when he says no, the feelings will finally go away.

Maybe it will turn out that he magically loves me too. 

Maybe he will freak out.

Maybe he will never look at me again.

"What's the time?"

Niall checked his watch.

"A little after 3. Do you wanna head back?"

I considered his question. I looked around, then back at him. 

"It's great out here." I smiled, "How about we stay for a bit longer and then head back for a nap?"

"You going out tonight?"

"Yeah, Karen called the other day, there's a party at her house tonight. I'm still kind of tired, but I thought I'd go, many people from back home will be there," I explained, feeling a little guilty, "You?"

"I think Zayn wanted to go catch a movie. That new one, with Brad Pitt and uhh..Logan Lerman was it? I think it was him. But we'll go tomorrow if you wanted to see it too." he said, and I watched the way his lips moved when he spoke, the way every hair on to of his head seemed sexily out of place, the way he involuntarily raised his eyebrows at the end of his sentence.

"Mm, I did want to see that.."

"Alright then, we'll all go tomorrow." he concluded.

"Aren't Louis and Harry gonna be home?"

"I think they're going on a double date. Something like that, I think."

I rested my book on the bench and leaned back. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. My mind drifted to a beautiful land where my leprechaun was in my arms. Where I had the freedom to caress his enchanting face all I want. 

-

You can't imagine how weird and creepy it is going to a normal party when you're famous. Don't kill me for saying I'm famous, I'm just being truthful. And it's kind of sad too. 

But Karen had made sure people at the party acted as if I'm just another random lad, at least the ones I didn't know personally. They didn't do a very good job at it, eyeing me curiously, some with a creepy malevolent jealousy, other with a flattering awe. I did my best to ignore them though, to act naturally and have fun. 

There weren't too many people there yet when I arrived. No one I knew, that is. I talked to Karen for a while. She's a great gal, really, one of my closest friends from way before my ambitions for the X Factor. She's very forward and funny too, and she never showed any signs that me being in 1D and all has changed the way she sees me or anything. We talked for a bit, but then more people arrived and she had to take care of a lot of things.

I grabbed myself a soda and settled in a comfy chair in the living room. It wasn't going to be long before the room got crowded and music started blasting, so I enjoyed the peace for now, hoping people from back home would come in soon, wondering what my boy and Zayn were doing at the moment.

Friends from back home did come, definitely. So many of them, I had to extract myself from the group to find a new quiet place. Oh, I enjoyed seeing them all again, of course! We talked for quite a long time, had a good laugh, they even got me to dance. But the music was a little loud, you know. 

I went into the dining room and found yet another comfy chair. The music from the living room was a loud dull boom. There were a few people talking around the room and a couple making out in the far corner, behind the counter. I checked the time. They were a little early, hook up time didn't usually start before 11, but meh. 

I fished out my phone, contemplating texting Niall. I was just punching in the last letters when someone sat in the chair opposite mine. I looked up to see a cute boy with short shaggy black hair and sparkling green eyes smiling a little nervously. I didn't recognize him, so he probably wanted me to sign something for him, but I smiled back. 

"You're Liam from One Direction, right?" he asked, trying to smile more confidently. 

"Yeah, sure am." I smiled back.

"I'm Dave." he extended his hand for a handshake and I took note of how soft and gentle it was.

"Nice to meet you." 

"I uhh...my first thought was to run up to you and shove a bunch of napkins in your face for you to sign, but...I decided it won't be too appropriate."

I laughed sincerely. So he's not as shy as he seems to be.

"That's alright." I took a napkin from the scattered pile on the table and took out the marker I always carry in my jacket (I'm so considerate, right?), "Here."

I handed him the napkin and watched as a gentle smile spread on his face. His eyes seemed to light up even more. I couldn't help but smile myself. 

"Aw, you wrote 'love, Liam'!" he said. "Thank you so much, I really didn't want to bother you with this."

"No, no, my pleasure." I said just as my phone vibrated in my pocket, "We don't have that many guy fans, I always feel honored when I get to meet one."

"Yeah, well, I've liked you guys ever since the X Factor. I like your music and you seem to have great personalities too." he replied with a cute shrug.

I smiled warmly again. What a nice kid. And he was very cute too. Adorable dimples formed in the corners of his mouth when he smiled, and he smiled a lot. He had this very lively air about him. I could easily see myself being drawn to him. But then I looked down at my phone, to see the short text from Niall about how he and Zayn had just had a food fight. And his smiling face was right there, next to the message. 

I ignored the acidic guilt bubbling in the pit of my stomach.

"So you guys were in the US these past two months or so?" Dave asked while pushing a few black locks to the side. 

I need to move on, okay?

"Yeah, we just go back the other day." I said, putting my phone away, "Or was it yesterday? Not sure. We had a great time filming the video for "A Rose" and then with the shows..."

This could be my chance. 

We went on talking about the little tour we did. Dave seemed genuinely interested. He asked many questions about...pretty much everything we'd done, and I found myself enjoying answering them and talking about our experiences. We still hadn't done any interviews, so I hadn't told the story 136 times already. 

Dave was great company. There was something a little off in his gestures though. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But it was a bit annoying. We talked a lot though. We even ended up going out on the back porch when the house started shaking from some crazy house music in the living room. We sat on the swing and talked and talked. The conversation flowed smoothly, jumping from topic to topic. 

I learned a lot about him, about how he plays the violin and about his dreams to become an actor. It was very pleasant escape from all the thoughts and feelings that had been bothering in the past few...weeks? A very refreshing experience indeed. 

I went in to get a couple of sodas. I tossed around in my mind the question that had been on the tip of my tongue the whole time. It could be a great opportunity, you know. 

I handed him his drink, getting a flashback of the day at the airport when Zayn handed me my food. I smiled to cover up my anxiety. My drink laid unopened, jumping between my hands. I looked up to find Dave smiling faintly.

"Are you....?" I waved my hand. An unfamiliar, cold feeling spread over me. Scared, uncomfortable butterflies attacked the walls of my stomach. 

He smiled his pretty smile. He knew what I mean. He looked down shyly.

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure I am. Gay, I mean, that's what we're talking about, right?"

"Yeah. That's what we're talking about." I smiled, a little more at ease.

"And you?" he asked. 

"A bit. Only half way." I showed him just how much with my fingers and he let out a gentle laugh. 

Soft pause. 

"You're not out." maybe it was a question, but to me it sounded as more of a statement.

"Are you?"

"Yeah." he smiled with pride. I nodded.

"How is it?"

"It's okay, It's not easy, but...it's getting better." he nodded too. 

And then it just happened. I was smiling at him and then my gaze suddenly fell to his lips and it just happened. I closed my eyes, leaned in, my lips met his in a soft and short kiss. I don't know if I should be ashamed or happy about this, but the image of a blond god flashed before my closed eyes at that moment. 

It was simple. It was gentle and good. I kissed a boy. I think I liked it. We parted. He was smiling and blushing like crazy, and I forced myself to feel a little flutter here, in my chest, too. 

I pulled out of my parking spot and headed home, making sure the black Audi of the security was behind me. I had Dave's number and there was a little excitement in me. I could make this work. 

- 

No, don't even ask, the feeling of guilt didn't leave the whole night or the next day. Especially the next day. Seriously, it was eating me from the inside. I felt like I had betrayed Niall when he had been nothing but an amazing friend and subject of my love. 

But I was angry at the same time too.  I have every right to do whatever U choose to - and here I want to get rid of this huge crush, move on, be happy with someone. Yes, I would love for this someone to be Niall, but Niall is, above all, my best friend (for a second here I was going to say boyfriend...). I don't want to lose that. I will do everything to keep that. And I have the right to be happy too, don't I?

I can make this work.

We went shopping for food that day because Louis and my sweet blonde were going to cook us up a great meal for dinner. We wend to this huge store a little outside of the city. Niall enjoyed cruising the aisles, throwing everything in sight in the cart. He had a difficulties doing that though, since it was Saturday and there were a lot of people. We filled two shopping carts with burgers, steak, other meat products, fruit and vegetables, all sorts of yogurt, cheese, cereal, and a great deal of desserts and other products we thought might be handy one day. It wasn't before we transferred all the bags in the cars that it hit us we need other things like toothpaste, soap, toilet paper even perhaps. 

Okay, here's the deal with our..apartment building. We don't really have much of a yard, in the front or in the back. But half the roof forms this kind of big patio. We got a few lounge chairs there, a garden tent with a big table, and other stuff like the barbecue, Zayn's tricycle that Louis bought for him from a fair in Nebraska, a few footballs, random shit like that. 

So we spent the afternoon there, while Niall and Louis prepared dinner. I played cards with Zayn, and Harry decided he was really inspired by a colorful bird he'd seen earlier that day, so he'd write a song about it. I texted Dave too, to let him know I'm still interested. We agreed to meet up next week.

"Liam!" Louis poked his head through the glass door a while later, "Niall said he wants you to help him with the bread or something. Zayn! You come help  _me_ prepare the meat."

"I thought  _you_ were gonna be the chefs tonight, why do we have to help?" threw Zayn back as Louis was closing the door. 

Lou stepped out and out his hands demonstratively on his hips. 

"Do you want to eat?" 

Zayn smiled to himself. 

"We gonna finish up later, right?" I asked getting up. 

"Why, it's quite obvious I'm owning you pretty bad." he said with a straight face and I shoved him with my shoulder. 

He laughed sexily and started for the door, but Louis came out for the third time.

"Is Harold sleeping?" he asked, pointing to the motionless Harry, sprawled in his lounge chair. 

"I think so." 

Louis walked over to the table and grabbed Zayn's glass of water. He circled Harry's chair and threw the glass in his face. Harry simply opened his eyes and stared at him calmly, but sternly while Zayn laughed in his retarded but crazy hot way. 

I was absolutely honored to help my not so confused love out. He followed the recipes closely, but at the same time shared Louis' carefree mood and moved around the kitchen with grace. Me and Zayn watched amusedly as they both sang loudly to the music from the TV, danced clumsily in their colorful aprons. I couldn't stop thinking 'Iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou..." .Oh, yeah, the aprons. I honestly don't have words to say how adorable they both looked in those! If I marry Niall one day, I swear I'm gonna have him walk around the house in just boxers and that apron all the time. 

What a lovely feast we had! Me and Zayn set the table (I joked him about what a good wifey he'd make), Harry went on with his nap and Louis and Niall threw everything on the barbecue. I almost passed out when everything was served, and I could see Niall was feeling quite dizzy too. Two huge plates, with the food masterfully arranged on them - the steaks in one corner, looking all juicy, corn in different sizes, grilled peppers with a touch of olive oil and a pile of toast. In a separate plate a dozen potatoes wrapped in aluminium foiled were steaming, now open and ready to be devoured. 

"Dinner's ready!" called Louis and waved a tiny bell. 

"Getting a taste of America." Niall said, his voice filled with awe. 

Harry finally decided to join us. 

"You. people. are going. to kill me one day." he rubbed his eyes.

"It's all too fascinating not to stare, but we better sit down." Zayn said.

"Savor every bite, lads." instructed us Louis before reaching for the salad.

"Where'd you get the ideas, the recipes?" I asked.

"Oh, Niall got them from that fellow in Malibu, the one that drived us around." he replied.

I smiled proudly at my boy. He was just sitting there, carefully cutting his food, his hair a mess, his loose fitting shirt open almost halfway. How can anyone be this beautiful?

Suddenly I remembered Dave. Oh damn. But I want Niall. And I also need to move on. A decision formed in my mind, a decision driven by anger, disappointment, hurt and love. 

I tried relaxing as much as possible. I enjoyed the iced tea Zayn had prepared under Louis' guidance. 

"Guys." I took a deep breath, "I got something to tell you. Nothing too big, but I thought I'd share, you need to know."

A chill ran down my spine. On my left Zayn smirked, Harry and Niall eyed me curiously and Louis gave me a reassuring nod. 

"I uh...well, I'm...I recently figured out that I am...bisexual." this time it came out good. I felt good about saying it, a seed of pride had been planted. 

Zayn went on smirking, Niall nodded with a big smile in my direction, Louis stared at me for a second and then made a face as if to say "Fair enough" and smiled. And Harry thought I didn't notice when he threw Lou a quick glance. 

Louis was the first to break the silence.

"I'm glad you decided to tell us, it's good to know these things." he said, pushing his hair up, "How did you figure it out?"

Harry kept throwing him sneaky glances.

"Well uh...there was someone. And that was like, triggering,. And last night at the party I kind of...met someone too. I think things may just work out." I said, smiling a little. 

My main concern with saying this was Niall, of course. I tried not to stare at him too obviously, but it did seem to me that he froze a little before putting on an interested face. I dismissed it. 

"Aww! What's his name?" Harry chimed in. 

"His name is Dave. He's nice." I smiled.

"Pass me the bread." Zayn elbowed me lightly. 

It went well. Very well. I was happy, the boys accepted everything as if I had told them I was getting a piercing. Niall did seem a little distracted though. I tried talking to him, I asked him about the food, praised him on his choice of ice cream. He replied, smiled, but there was something there, he wasn't his usual talkative and happy self and guilt and shame swarmed over me again. There was that part of me that immediately assumed he must have feelings for me and is feeling jealous and rejected now, but the more rational part concluded that he must be feeling a little hurt I didn't tell him first. 

-

The evening was spent lounging around, as usual. At 10 we gathered in front of the TV to watch The Day After Tomorrow. We were all off to our apartments by 1 am. 

I remember dreaming something about playing a computer game about plants and pizzerias. There was something really bad about that game, it was causing physical discomfort even. I slowly emerged from the dream, waking up very confused and disoriented. Then I realized I had a bad stomach ache.

Shit. I hate having these. I can take other kinds of pain, but not this. I turned around, pulled my knees up to my chest in hopes it would go away. Perhaps I had eaten too much. Perhaps it was that butter Niall had prepared and put on the bread and the corn. 

I dozed off for a while, but I awoke to stronger pulsations low in my stomach. I sat up. I carefully dragged myself to the toilet. No use. I tried breathing deeply, even shoving a finger down my throat in hopes to vomit, but that didn't work. It hurt even more when standing, so I sat on the toilet, doubled up. The dull ache kept echoing off the walls of my insides. Sharp pain is better than this, I swear. 

I could have give anything at that moment to be able to stop that pain. You have no idea how terrible it was, as if a little gremlin was hitting me with his hammer from the inside. I stood up, lifted the lid and forced my finger in my mouth again. A waterfall of burning liquid spewed out, but I was relieved to see it. I cleaned myself and went back to bed.

I must have dozed off again, but I woke up again after what seemed to be a very short time. The ache was back, throbbing and beating on my nerves. I got up shakily. I checked my medicine cabinet, I must have some pills for this. Please. 

Nope. Just my luck.

I sat back on my bed and turned on the lamp on the night stand. 

4:53 AM.

I hate bothering the guys with these things. They always worry so much whenever someone gets sick or something. Oh damn it. 

I feebly walked to my front door and crossed the corridor to Niall's apartment. I quietly walked to his bedroom, hunched, one hand on my abs as if holding my intestines from falling out. I opened the door to his bedroom and turned on the light so as not to startle him. He was just a mop of blond hair under the covers.

"Niall." it came out as a terrible weak croak, "Niall, wake up."

He turned to me with the sleepiest of expressions, but his eyes quickly cleared out when he saw my state. I must've looked quite awful.

"Do you have some painkillers or something? Something for stomach aches?" I whispered.

He jumped out of his bed and came to me. He guided me to sit on his bed and went into his bathroom. I held my head, praying for the terror to end, but the gremlin inside was ruthless. He came out with a bunch of paper boxes in his hands.

"Here," he handed me a big yellow pill and the glass of water that was on his nightstand, "I think this should do. What happened? Did you throw up?"

I swallowed the pill with difficulty and handed him the glass. His warm hand was on my back, his face full of concern close to mine. I couldn't even enjoy the moment. 

"Yeah. I did, it helped for a bit, but then the pain started again." 

We sat in silence for a bit. I counted the seconds, hoping the medicine would work faster. Niall studied my face. 

"Lie down, I'll cover you. Let's try to sleep, the pill should work soon." he said and gently helped me get my boxers clad body under his blankets. I pulled my knees to my chest again. He lied down on the other side, his hand reassuringly stroked my biceps. 

Several minutes passed. I dozed off again, but woke up I felt a movement. Niall came in front of me. He was just in his boxers too, but I didn't have the strength to appreciate his beauty. He kneeled, his face showing incredible concern. Pain burned low in my stomach.

"How're you doing?" he tried smiling.

'I don't think it's working." I really didn't want to be a cry baby, but shit it hurt. "Aaahhh! It just got worse, oh fuck..." 

Niall bit his lip as my face contorted in pain and I held tighter to my belly. 

"I'm gonna go get Louis, okay? I"ll be right back, don't move."

"No, no, stay here. Don't bother him too, I'll probably have to vomit again and it'll be okay."

He hesitated.

"Do you think it's the food or something? I haven't felt anything."

"I don't know," I hissed and shut my eyes tightly. 

"I'm going for Louis, you stay here."

"No, I'm going for a walk in the park..."

Louis came shortly. He was much calmer than Niall, even professional. 

"When did it start?" he asked, kneeling next to the bed.

"How the fuck should I know..." I said to his chest. 

"And the medicine didn't work?"

"No," Niall answered for me "it even got worse."

"Can you lay on you back? Show me where exactly the pain is." 

I straightened my legs, my head swimming, cold sweat trickling down my neck. Colder fire ate at my stomach. I tried showing Louis where exactly the pain was, but it seemed to move around. He chewed on his lip just like Niall was doing. 

"Let me check something." he pushed my hands away.

"Do you have something in mind?" Niall asked hopefully. 

Louis didn't answer. He pushed the waistband of my boxers down. He put his warm hands low on my pelvis, on the right, almost touching my pubes. He felt around, and I closed my eyes. He did sever sharp jabs, pushing down abruptly and releasing in the same manner. 

"You feeling pain when I do that? I mean, is it getting worse?" he asked.

"Please, not so loud." I rolled my head on the pillow, not caring about sounding weak anymore. "Yes, it's getting much worse when you do that."

He did it on the left side too, but I didn't feel anything.

"What is it?"

My boy asked shakily, and a tiny smile tugged on my lips seeing him so concerned. How I wanted for the pain to go away and for me to cuddle with him in this incredibly comfy bed!

"I think it's appendicitis." he said quietly and relief flooded my chest.

"What's that? Is it serious?" Niall asked, not hiding his panic.

"No, no. It's okay. Go call an ambulance." Louis said and put his hand on my arm.

"Call an ambulance?! What the fuck, I thought-"

"Niall, it's okay. I just have to get surgery. I'll be fine. It's nothing too serious. Go call an ambulance." I said hoarsely and my words seemed to have a bigger impact on him. He left the room to look for his phone.

"You're not scared, are you? Don't be."

"I'm not, don't worry." I said as convincingly as possible.

And I really wasn't scared. I just wanted for the gnawing ache to go away. 

"I'll go get you some clothes."

A moment or a minute or five minutes later Niall came back with Zayn and Harry, both looking worried and perplexed. Louis barged in. He helped me sit up on the side of the bed and started sliding my legs into a pair of jeans. 

"Come on, someone help him get his shirt on." he said calmly. "Did you call for an ambulance?"

"Yes, yes, of course." said Niall and bumped into Harry as they both tried helping me with my shirt. 

"Stand up now, careful." Louis held me as I shakily stood up, afraid that the pain was gonna rip me apart the moment I straightened up.

I tried buttoning my pants, but fresh waves of the dull burning ache flowed through my belly and quickly blurred my vision. I doubled in pain with a sharp yelp.

Several pair of hands reached out. I closed my eyes and succumbed to a peaceful darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.


	8. 7

I really didn’t want to open my eyes, I wanted to remain in darkness till someone comes and magically takes the pain away. Preferably Niall. Yes, Niall, can you please rub my tummy, make the pain go away, snuggle up close and never leave my side?

The moment my eyelids lifted up, the wave of pain surged through me, settled heavily over my body – a giant, sitting comfortably on me, his fist pressing low on my abdomen. I clenched my fists and sighed deeply. Damn you ambulance driver, do teleport me in the surgical room already.

“Liam,” a loud and stern female voice spoke, and I lifted my gaze to see where it was coming from, “I am Doctor Sanchez and I work at the St. Martin hospital. We are fairly certain that your friend was right in his diagnosis, you probably have appendicitis. We are very close to the hospital, hold on.”

Just as I was trying to decide whether Dr Sanchez is too serious for my taste, I felt a warm hand envelop mine. I looked down to see Louis’ smiling face. He was sitting on some sort of a bench, as far as I could see, next to the gurney I was on. Oh, he looked nice. His hair was an absolute mess, he was wearing an old T-shirt and…shorts, yes, shorts.

“You look sexy.” I smiled weakly, for a moment forgetting the pain.

Louis laughed and squeezed my hand, and my smile widened.

“You do too.” he said, “I especially like the pattern on your boxers.”

“Hey, what about me?”

“Hi, Zayn.” I smiled at him too, before the little gremlin, that bastard, swung with his deadly hammer again.

I must have looked pretty bad because Zayn’s face contorted and he bit on his lip.

“We’re almost there, Liam, don’t worry.” the thin, wrinkly face of Dr Sanchez came into sight again. She turned to the guys, “Do you have a jacket of some sort to cover him till we get him inside, it’s not a very warm night?”

Oh, look, I’m in just a T-shirt. The pain was almost bearable now, or perhaps I had gotten used to it. The vehicle came to a halt and the sound of the engine died down at almost the same time as the doors at my feet opened and cool air lifted up the mist from my mind. Zayn quickly unzipped his hoodie and gently threw it over my torso.

I smiled at him, feeling a bit better. I mean, the guys didn’t seem worried, they were both smiling, even if a bit tiredly. Or perhaps that was just Louis and Zayn. I laughed to myself, thinking about how worried Niall probably was. I supposed he was on his way with Harry, people of the security and the management too even. I hoped I’d see him before going into surgery, I wanted to assure him things would be just fine.

A nurse, or at least a woman who looked like she might be a nurse, emerged from the hospital. She and Dr Sanchez pushed the gurney in the cool July air and in through the sliding doors, Zayn and Louis rushing close behind them. The emergency wasn’t nearly as crowded and noisy as you might think. That weird smell of a hospital hit me immediately, just as the pain decided to come back a dozen times stronger. Dr Sanchez guided the gurney past sick people, bloody faces and painful moans to one of the side corridors and stopped in front of a closed door.

“Is Michaels here? The kid’s famous, they’re gonna want the best.” Dr Sanchez turned to the nurse, a woman in her early 50s and rather on the fat side. Zayn stood awkwardly to the side.

“Michaels was here earlier, but he left. I think Clarke is inside.” she replied while unbuckling the red belts keeping me strapped to the gurney.

“Really, I thought he was on leave!” Dr Sanchez seemed surprised.

“He was, today is his first day. Night, rather.”

“Well, even better then. Liam, you will have to stand up now. Dr Clarke will see you and then we will have to do an X-ray.”

I slowly sat up and let my legs dangle to the side of the gurney. Zayn was immediately at my side, supporting me. I sat like that for a moment. The mist was back, clouding everything. I stood up carefully. I didn’t dare straighten up too much.

We entered the room where the smell of alcohol and needles was even stronger. A man in green clothes who had grayish hair and a nice face was sitting behind a desk and stood up as I came in, doubled up in two.

Things were both slow and very fast after that. He made me lie down and examined my abdomen the way Louis had. Several times I leaned over the trash can in hopes to vomit. Yes, he concluded, it was appendicitis. He had warm hands and I learned he was going to be the one to perform the surgery.

Another nurse, a young man, probably not older than 25, took me next door and handed me a package with hospital pajamas inside. Zayn was just helping me change when the door opened and Niall, Harry and Louis came in along with Martha (Ms Gerald, remember her?).  I realized I had been so engulfed by the dull ache that I hadn’t noticed Louis’ absence.

They took me to the X Ray…room or whatever, which was only a few doors down the corridor, thankfully. The fat lady eating peanuts by the door quickly stood up and started fiddling around when Martha explained the situation to her in a low voice. The ache was getting worse and I was getting weaker. I shuffled around in a pair of hospital slippers, the angle between the upper part of my body and my legs very close to 90 degrees. Niall was always at my elbow, stroking my back, helping me move, even supporting me in the filthy bathroom when I had to pee in a cup. I wanted to hug him so bad for being so great, although I’m sure any of the boys would have done the same for me. But I loved him even more then – for the fact that he was still in his pajama bottoms, for the troubled expression he wore at all times. And it was brotherly love, something nothing would ever take away from me.

By the time I entered the surgery room, my whole body was trembling, shaking in excruciating pain and exhaustion. I suppose people thought I was scared and they kept telling me not to be, that everything would be fine, and I just wanted to scream in their faces that I wasn’t scared, that I just wanted to go into surgery already so they can take out my goddam appendix and stop the pain. I swear, I could claw it out myself.

The lads tried hugging me awkwardly before I went in, but their attempts weren’t very successful. Inside, the fat lady handed me a transparent dress like thing to change into, and I did the best I can to change as fast as possible, not caring if anyone saw me naked at that moment.

Finally on the surgery table, I laid out flat, looking up at the still not on lights above my head, feeling exposed and vulnerable, but who cares, everything was blurry and blending in together. A nurse studied the veins on my left hand and tried inserting something. I closed my eyes, hoping to be overtaken by the effects of the drugs soon. Turns out the veins there aren’t large enough, Just my luck. How I wanted to reach down and hold on to my belly!

She switched to probing at my right hand. The lights above my head went on, blinding me. I let sleep numb everything.

-

Dusk. No, dark, dark. Can I stand up? Can I support myself? No. Pain, sharp pain. Low, no discomfort. Sheets, legs move. Hoist. Careful, to the side. Pain, sharper pain. Slepsleepsleep.

-

Darkness and a soft humming were the first things that reached my exhausted mind. I opened my eyes. I was lying flat on my back and there was a sort of burning, no, ripping sensation low, close to my dick. Oh wait. Now I remember. The dull ache was gone, thank God!

I carefully, very carefully moved my head to the side, assuming that might be where someone would be standing if there was anyone in the room, since there was a wall to my right. Zayn was sitting in a chair, his arms hanging over the armrests, his head resting on his shoulder.

“Zayn,” I tried, but discovered my throat was parched and could not utter a sound. I gathered whatever saliva I could find around the most hidden nooks of my burning mouth and swallowed. “Zayn..”

Ah, there we go. He stirred. His gorgeous eyes opened, and in the little light coming from the open door they shone. He had a cute confused expression for a second, not nearly as cute as Niall’s when he wakes up, and then something in his gaze cleared up. He jumped up from his chair. For a second I was afraid he’d jump on the bed, but he seemed to realize I was in a fragile state and his movements softened and slowed. 

“Hi” he said simply, took my hand in his and smiled sheepishly.

I smiled back at him and struggled to keep my eyes open. He realized it must be hard for me to speak and hurriedly filled a plastic cup from the tall weird plastic drawer on the side of my bed with water. He tried bringing it to my lips, then pulled his hand back. He hesitated over me. Clumsily, but with great care he slipped his hand under my head and helped me take a few gulps of the water.

“The guys went downstairs to get coffee and something to eat. Martha’s with them. Your parents are coming over tomorrow too. Well, today.” he said and smiled a little shyly. Wait, shyly? Zayn?

“Mate, I’m alright. Very tired and sleepy, but alright.” I said with a reassuring smile, as much as I could manage one.

The sexy stud bit his lip.

“Really? I wasn’t worried before, but now, I mean…does it hurt, are you really okay…”

“Yes. I just want to get some sleep. But I will wait to see the guys.”

He studied my face. He abruptly started forward and pulled me into a tight and a little uncomfortable hug. The moment my body moved, pain shot through my groin and I winced, but didn’t say anything. He held me to his body and I tried sneaking my arm around his back too. He planted a soft kiss on my forehead.

“I’m glad. I couldn’t help but worry a little too.” he said and smiled sheepishly again, and I realized I love him too, just like I love Niall, just like I love Harry and Louis.

He seemed to throw something around in his mouth.

“The doctor said you were minutes away from death, I can’t even imagine-“ he stopped and shook his head, and at that moment I still couldn’t exactly comprehend what that meant.

I squeezed his hand. He settled back in his chair and we waited in comfortable silence. I got a lot of awkward hugs when the guys returned. They all seemed so happy to see me, and I was more than happy to see them too. Harry was still a little puzzled, Louis was just very happy and Niall was, most of all, relieved. I couldn’t help but notice that his hug seemed to last the longest. I also couldn’t help but nuzzle my cheek into his neck, inhale his sweet scent.

My baby wanted to stay with me for the night, but Harry shut everyone up and said he’d stay. I finally allowed myself to close my eyes again and sink into deep slumber.

-

The morning brought a pain in my neck and a still confused Harry staring dumbly at the nurse in the room.

“Good morning,” the young man from the previous night said, “It’s actually close to 1 pm. How are you feeling?”

I tried speaking, but discovered my mouth to be too dry again. I tried reaching up to the cup of water and on my left Harry finally decided to come to. He helped me drain the cup the same way Zayn did, while the nurse fumbled with the IV on the other side of my bed.

“I’m okay. I have a bit of a headache, but it could just be my neck. And I’m feeling a pain low on my abdomen. But I suppose that is normal.” I said.

Harry watched our exchange.

“Yes, it is normal. It’s where they cut you open and now you’re stitched up. I’m gonna leave you a thermometer, if you could please help him take his temperature while I bring in the tray with things I need in order to change the plaster over the stitches.” he turned to Harry.

Harry unbuttoned the shirt of my pajamas, but we realized it’d be too uncomfortable. Then he noticed the little remote on the drawer. Thank you, dear God, for putting me in a cool bed whose different parts can be regulated.

I was lying, sitting rather, with the upper part of my body comfortably resting on the now elevated at an angle top part of the bed, when the man I recognized as Dr. Clarke came in the room with a woman I vaguely remembered from last night and Dr. Sanchez.

“Good morning, Liam” he said and patted my leg just as the young nurse from before came in, “I hear you’re doing good. Last night was tough for you, obviously. We did a good job though, I think, 15 minutes later and you’d ‘of been in a very bad situation.” 

He scratched at his beard and read my file. He turned to me again with that soft smile of his.

“Everything seems to be normal. Greg,” he pointed to the young nurse, “will change the plaster over your stitches. I actually put um..well, these buttons there with the stitches, so it will be easier to remove them once you’re healed up.”

Dr. Clarke checked the thermometer and said things were okay. I felt like a prince, really, so many people taking care of me while Harry stood to the side and listened carefully. Once we were alone in the room again, Greg, the nurse, removed the plaster from over the stitches to reveal the brownish-yellowish colored skin (from the iodine, I imagined). Oh, look, they’ve shaved my pubes completely. Harry observed the whole procedure of putting on a new, bigger plaster that I could even shower with, with great care. Greg also explained that I got different liquids going into my body through the IV and that I should drink lots of water. He explained how to use the commode from the bathroom if and when I felt the need to pee. 

My parents arrived a little later, worried beyond belief. Or at least Mum was. Dad seemed much more relaxed. They stayed for a little while. It was good seeing them, I hadn't gone home since the beginning of the tour which was more than two months ago. I had planned a visit after Spain, but that was quite ahead in the future.   
Again, I must've looked pretty bad in bed, tubes going into my hand, sitting there awkwardly in a pair of old hospital pajamas. My mum teared up. I think there was something else though, and I did ask Harry about it when they left. I had convinced them there was no need for them to stay with me, I could take care of myself and I had the guys too.

"The doctor said I was 15 minutes away from serious complications." I said, speaking over the TV.

Harry turned to me and then looked down. He looked quite good in his faded jeans and dark polo shirt. There was nothing too special about his appearance, clearly he'd just quickly thrown something on. Oh, Harry, you heart stealer. 

"Yeah."

"I was just thinking...I mean, last night Zayn said that basically means I was 15 minutes away from death." I was staring at Harry's interlocked fingers thoughtfully. 

"Yes." Harry said, "But you're here, not in the morgue." 

Now I know why Zayn was so emotional all of a sudden. That stud. I am alive, when I could be dead. Gone, poof, forever. Well, perhaps not exactly gone. I still haven't figured out what I think of Afterlife and that shit. I looked my body over. Suddenly everything was so real, vivid, so... _there._ I exist. This room exists. Harry exosts. But most importantly, I exist in this room with Harry when I could be a cold, lifeless body in a metal drawer three floors underground, never again being able to touch, feel, love, spend incredibly special time with Niall. Never reaching my fourties, my fifties, my sixties, never seeing the world in 60 years, never going sky diving, never having kids, never crying from laughter or happiness again. Never telling Niall how I feel about him.

-

"Finally they let us in!" a familiar cute voice said rather loudly, ripping me away from the light confused dreams I was having during my nap. 

"Shh, you idiot, he was sleeping!" Harry leapt from his chair.

He took the gigantic bouquet of flowers from Niall's hands along with a bag, and the apologetic face of my flawless leprechaun showed up.

"Well, he's awake now..." he said much more quietly and gave way to Louis who was also carrying a few full bags. "Sorry."

I smiled sleepily.

"That's fine. Hi to both of you." 

"Hi, Liam" Louis smiled. 

"What the hell are you all carrying?!" I said, sitting up a little.

The lads placed the bags on the ledge of the window and started taking stuff out. 

"Well," Niall started, holding up pajama bottoms and an old, threadbare button up shirt, "I had packed you pajamas and stuff, along with several bottles of water and other stuff, but Louis said we'd better bring you stuff to keep you from getting too bored, so we packed a few bags with books and your iPod and magazines and your laptop and few DVDs too. And these beautiful flowers as well, I picked them out personally!"

Louis gave Harry a hug and then settled in the only chair in the room. 

"You mean I packed books and his laptop and other shit, you were too busy looking through his Playboy stack." he said smugly and Harry laughed.

"Oh, right, I don't know who was so busy wanking when we had to go to the store. I'm gonna go get more chairs." he strutted out of the room and I stared after his hot ass without being afraid of Harry and Louis suspecting anything since they were too busy tickling each other. 

Niall brought in a few extra chairs.

"You wanna change into these?" he held up the clothes he'd left at my feet. "I figured we'd get a button down shirt cause it'd be more comfortable if they need to take your temperature, or.." 

"Yeah, sure. But you gotta help me, I really can't move around too much." I carefully lifted the covers off my body. 

Niall helped me sit up and take off the top.

"That's a pretty big bed, man." Louis observed.

"I know right, a cow would fit without a problem..." I said while inserting my arms in the sleeves of the shirt and Niall laughed. 

"I didn't pack underwear though, I thought it might uncomfortable since you got stitches and shit..." he said a little worriedly. 

"That's fine, I'll be going commando for a long time." I finished buttoning my shirt and moved on to carefully lifting up my butt to pull down my pants.

I winced as a burning sensation ripped through my abdomen.

"Yea buddy.." called Harry unenthusiastically. 

"Oh! I see Liam's wee wee!" Louis whistled. 

Niall laughed adorably again while tugging on the legs of the pajama bottoms. 

"Is that an attempt at a penis joke I sense, Louisford?" I said.

"Louisford. Are you kidding me?"

I shrugged lamely. The bottoms Niall brought were just loose enough. 

"Thank you" I smiled to him.

"You're welcome" he smiled back a little too warmly and my heart skipped a beat again. 

Harry and Louis stayed for a few more hours, till around 7, watching TV while I napped, got my medicine changed, then napped again. I didn't ask about Zayn,  Iwas already feeling bad enough to take up so much of their time. Niall closed the door behind them just as the last few sunrays drained out of the room behind the closed blinds, leaving me with a cold, yet somehow cozy feeling. He switched on the small lamp on the wall above the drawer. 

"How are you feeling?" he asked and sat down in the closest chair.

"I'm okay, rested indeed. I may need to pee soon though, so you'll have to help me to the bathroom." 

"Oh, no, no, you can't get up, what about the IV? We'll use that thing...the commode, Harry explained how to use it." he lectured. 

I smiled in both apologetically in my embarrassment. 

"You know what movie I got?" he got up suddenly. 

"No."

He laughed.

"I bought Stand By Me. We can watch it tonight, if you want. I mean, I don't think it would be too hard on you, right?" his face acquired a troubled expression again. 

"No, I don't think so. We should ask the nurse though. "

An hour and four cups of water later (the lads had brought me my favorite cup) I had successfully peed, barely able to keep myself from getting a boner and highly embarrassed by the whole situation, and was lying (half sitting up, you know how it is) with my laptop in my lap and Niall my side. 

"You should tweet that you're fine first though" Niall said while opening the DVD box. 

"They got wi fi here?!"

"Oh, come on, we're famous, of course they got Wi Fi." 

"Awww, #getwellsoonliam is trending!" 

"Yup, Harry was kind enough to start it while you were sleeping and I contributed too." he said and smiled a satisfied smile to himself. 

_thnks for the support guys, feeling mch better now, gonna watch a movie with @NiallOfficial_

with a picture of me giving my best smile in bed. See, I'm even trying to fix my spelling.

"Give me the disc." I said, readjusting the laptop on my legs, "You okay there? I don't think you'll be able to see too well."

Niall placed the box on the drawer behind him and got closer.

"No, I'm fine." 

I looked over at him and shook my head. 

"Oh, just climb in here."

I'm way too stupid, you know that?

"I can't get in there, the bed's not big enough, you need to be comfortable..." he said fumbling with the computer.

Or perhaps it's a good idea. 

"Come on. Besides, my...the wound hurts too much when I have the computer here." I scooted to the side and lifted the small railing to keep me from falling off. 

My gorgeous boy grumbled something, took off his shoes, straightened the ultra sexy shirt over his sweatpants and carefully climbed into my bed. I placed the laptop on his legs and smiled cheesily, nudging him. 

"You better turn off the light, youu!"

He gave a comically weird stare. 

"This is so gay."

We sat in almost complete darkness, the computer illuminating our faces. Niall seemed quite excited to finally show me the movie, and I was excited because he was excited. He sat completely still through most of the movie. The warmth of his body, the feel of his hip pressed to mine filled my world, stirred the butterflies in my stomach. He was completely engrossed with the movie. The close proximity of our bodies, the magical atmosphere didn't seem to be affecting him.

You idiot, what the fuck were you thinking again. He's your best fucking friend, of course he'd be so worried, so tending. And really, really, Liam, you allowed yourself to think he might feel the same for you. You of all people! What are the fucking odds of another member of a band of five people to be gay or bisexual?! You know this is highly improbable, if not impossible, Liam. You are better than this. He'll never be more than your best friend, and the sole fact that he IS your best friend, Niall Horan of all people, should keep you happy for the rest of your life, you fucker. 

I sank in pity and desperation. Fuck this shit, just fuck it all. What have I ever done to deserve this. And why the hell am I being such a pussy about it. 

"You okay? If you're not feeling okay we'll stop the movie, so you can rest." Niall suddenly turned to me and touched my forehead. 

"I'm okay, I just need to shift from time to time or the stitches make it...itchy..." see, he does care. 

He smiled faintly. He threw his strong arm around my shoulders. I would never find anyone who'll make me as happy as this flawless boy does. He twists everything around everything in a matter of seconds.   
I turned my attention to the screen where a young Will Wheaton was buying Cokes, immersing myself in the past, in a world that was so dangerous, ruthless and sad, yet somehow rich in tranquility, security and a friendship so pure and wonderful.   
I laughed when they had leeches all over their bodies and Niall laughed along with me when Gordie found one in his underwear. Oh, the story with the pie! Oh, and when they were trodding along the rails, singing to Lollipop in the delightfully peaceful atmosphere of the forest and the sumer day! And when Chris and Gordie talked, when they had cross the bridge as fast as possible (and I was clenching my fists next to Niall's strained body), when they found the body and defended their right over it...I was smiling blissfully through tears when the movie ended and 'Stand By Me' played. 

A nurse came in and changed my medicine again. Soon I was sleepy and the thoughts about how bloody incredible the movie was started swirling confusedly in my head. I turned to Niall and smiled dreamily. 

"Thank you for being here with me." 

He smiled back, a dazzling, heart melting smile. I longed to kiss it off his face, but that familiar, friendly darkness enveloped me before the thought had time to blossom. 


	9. Interlude: A Man Alone

The life of a man who is in love is hard, dark, terrifying and tearfully slow. Sometimes, when I was well at the bottom, in complete darkness, surrounded by moisture and a crowded loneliness, I wished that nothing of this had ever happened. I wished that the band would be gone that the feelings would be gone that the memories would be gone, that I was a teacher somewhere far away, finding my way around, figuring life out, looking for someone to spend it with, someone who would love me back, no questions asked, no troubles, no difficulties, no blond hair. At times like that I'd catch myself and laugh at how pathetic I have become, realize that this is my world, my life, and that I don't want to part with any of that, not even with the pain because of all the bitter happiness to it, because when I am with him the universe is a thousand times brighter and nothing else matters and it is worth the pain, it's worth the desperation. 

I feel like screaming at life. I feel like hugging life. 

I want him so bad. 

To an observer this would seem so easily resolvable, my feelings, thoughts pathetic. And even though this is how a man who knows his love would never meet understanding, acceptance, the same love, is supposed to feel, I do realize that it is indeed quite pitiful. 

But, oh God, why?! Why do I have to go through this? What have I done to deserve it? Is it the flip side of the coin, is it the bad I must get for all the good? Oh, but it hurts so much,  _it hurts so much_! He would hug me, wrap his strong arms around my torso the way only he can, and I'd be home. He would smile warmly. He would demand time alone for us only, like we always have - time for our friendship to proliferate, for us to have best friends fun, to share something that might be heavy upon one's heart. Like he always does. 

It's only me that's changed, do you realize that? Because I do realize it, and it stings like a hundred mini explosions in my chest, like a hot flood in my eyes. I want to shrink to nothing, I want to melt to nothing. And I also want him to come, pick me up, say hey Liam, hey buddy, i am so sorry, i want to be yours forever. But he has not changed. He's the same ole Niall, the same ole blond leprechaun. 

I love him so much. My heart longs for him, every grain of my being screams in desire for him to look at me with the same madly loving, needing eyes. The best thing that's ever happened to me, and I cannot have it. Is this the price I have to pay for living the dream in every other aspect? 

I want to tell someone. I want someone to see what it feels like, what's behind the smile, behind the confidence, even if it is pathetic and desperate. I want someone to understand, someone to hold me, someone to know, someone to change things, someone to take the pain away, someone to fix things, someone to make me happy, someone to allow me to have Niall for myself. 

Saying his name can be painful too. Niall. Niall Horan. When I'm at the bottom of the well I think of the giant old turtle, of her burden, and I want to hug her and for her to hug me back and for things to be alright. And when I'm in the sticky warm darkness, I sometimes hate him for doing this to me. And then I am ashamed and alone and pathetic, curled up under a forlorn bench. 

Because on the outside things are okay, and phases come only in the darkness or sometimes when he is smiling to someone else. Sometimes I feel that I might drown in self pity. Perhaps he'd notice then. He'd be sorry, he'd come and kiss me and be mine forever. 

But yes, on the outside things are great. And there is a huge part of me that is very happy and satisfied and grateful for what it has, but in the moments at the bottom I am the lone creature underneath the layers of thank you and hi and this is the dream. 

Who can I turn to? Can I talk to Zayn? Zayn is an intelligent and calm man. Maybe he would help, maybe not. 

Good Evening, my name is Liam Payne and I am 1/5 of One Direction and I am acting like a spoiled bitch because I am helplessly in love with my best friend, Niall Horan, who is also 1/5 of One Direction! 

When will you notice, Niall? When will you notice how much I want to call you cheesy things like 'baby' and 'sweetie' that sound stupid and shallow, but would the mean the world to me? You are a flawless boy, a flawless man. You are perfect for me. You are everything I've ever wanted, everything I've always been looking for. The supreme combination of soft, gentle, strong, natural, marvelous looks, and a soul so pure, innocent,  **good** , cheerful, beautiful, understanding, knowing, extraordinary, loving. 

I have never fallen so hard for anyone. It was great with Danielle, but it never had this infinite closeness on such a high level. And before Danielle...I was too young to know, I suppose. But what Niall gives me, no one can. It's an indescribable bond, indescribable comfort and it's one of the fundamental factors keeping me sane, happy. If anything ever takes it away, I'd be physically lost. 

Why, oh, why can't you see me, Niall Horan? I love you, Niall Horan. It would make me the happiest man on Earth to have you!

In the long seconds at the bottom of the well I desperately seek a solution, a way out, hope. Maybe it will be best to just tell him. I can't face the rejection. Maybe he will know, help me get through it. Maybe I should be a coward and make Zayn tell him. And never be able to look Niall in the face again? No, I cannot do that. 

I am strong. 

_but not anymore, not anymore_

I will try. No matter how much I want to have his body close to mine. 

_and i am going insane, insane, insane, i want to hold you, i want to kiss you, i want to be with you forever_

I have no other choice. I cannot run. 


	10. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a lot better.

It's July 2, the Euro 2012 is rapidly nearing it's finals and we are boarding a plane to San Sebastian, Spain in less than 30 minutes. I cannot believe the amount of suitcases each of us took. I mean, it's understandable, we're staying there for three weeks, but it feels like each  of us packed his entire wardrobe. I know  _my_ closet looked depressingly empty after I was done packing. 

"Who's gonna water the plants while we're gone?" Harry asked.

"Martha said-"

"Ginna, of course." Niall interrupted.

"No." started Louis again, "Ginna has the month off, her daughter's having a baby and she wants to help out. Martha said they've found another woman to check on the house and water the plants a few times a week." 

Niall and Harry nodded thoughtfully. They were both wearing these real cute Hawaiian shirts and loose beige shorts. Niall's shirt was an ordinary dark blue one with those pretty white flowers, whereas Harry's was red and had palms all over it. He promised he'd find me, Zayn and Louis similar ones, but that was last summer and we still have not received them. Oh well, maybe Louis will get pissed soon, stop his sexual favors...

I am really looking forward to our little vacation. I have heard great things about the town we're going to, I know the beach is great and there are quite a few nice clubs around. When I talked to Harry's uncle about the villa and the region (because, I mean, I can't rely on Harry to ask him about these things), he told me there are beautiful historical sites around too. If I decide that I don't need to be in a 'fuck everything' mood, I might actually take the guys on a tour around town.

Ah, there we go.

"Liam, your laptop." Niall pointed and smiled a warm smile.

Am I a little too excited for this?

"Right, thanks" I laughed. 

The flight is going to be more than short, but Zayn had his fluffy green blanket under his arm. I believe he had a...good night. He was starting his party time a little earlier than us, and I don't blame him - he spoke unusually much at the interviews, and come on, it's not easy to pull off these thoughtful, sexy faces at photoshoots. 

I caught up with him, Louis on his other side. 

"I see you're packed for a nice nap," I nodded towards his blanket, smiling. 

"Yup," he smiled a little smug smile.

"Quite odd, considering what a quiet night you had last night."

Louis laughed as he handed his boarding pass to the attractive gentleman behind the desk. 

"Not a sound could be heard from your flat. We thought of barging in to see if you are alive." he said and Zayn kept that smirk without saying anything, handing his boarding pass to the smiling gentleman. 

"She wasn't even that hot, I don't know why you bothered!" I laughed, clasping a hand on his shoulder. 

"She wasn't, and she wasn't too good either, but a man has his needs." he flashed a brilliant smile. 

"Ayyy, alright! A man, okay!" Lou hooted and let Harry enter the gate before him. 

I transferred my cane to my left hand and stuffed the boarding pass into the back pocket of my dark linen shorts. I look amazing today. My outfit is nothing too special, really - dark linen shorts that barely reach my knee and a soft nice white short sleeved button up shirt, but I think I look gorgeous in it. A good start to a new approach, I hoped. And the cane adds nicely to my Bohemian style. 

Right, I admit, I hoped Niall would appreciate my attire as well, but I noticed nothing of the kind, so can we please move on?

Yes, the cane. Well, after I left the hospital I had to stay home for the rest of the week, resting and healing, or taking lazy strolls to the park alone or with one of the lads. I had a bad limp which had cleared out almost entirely by the time we left for Spain. I didn't really need the cane, but like I said, it made me feel wise. Aaand, it is a very nice cane, a heavy one. 

We took our seats on the small plane, followed by the not so invisible security and a few other passengers. I was just looking out at the cart with the giant shiny containers that held someone's luggage when Lou elbowed me and nodded towards Zayn who was already well snuggled under his blanket despite the heat in the plane. I smirked, and then looked back to see that my boy wasn't too far behind, his head resting on Harry's shoulder.

The week of the interviews was quite busy. The boys were easy on me and helped a lot, nevertheless. We covered three radio stations and a few magazines, and did a pretty long photoshoot. What I enjoyed the most about the photoshoot was that they had us wear completely ridiculous outfits and be crazy goofy, we haven't done this in a long time. Finally, just yesterday we rocked the studio, recording the first few songs for the new album. 

I don't want to ruin the surprise for you, but there have been suggestions for a mini world tour in October. 

-

"Shit."

"What?"

"It just started raining."

"What the...fuck." 

Really? Are you trying to drown us down here, is this the best time to put a start to the Apocalypse? You really couldn't wait until our vacation is over? Look, even the few paps gave up.

We exited the airport, pulling a myriad of suitcases behind us, and stopped underneath the hood. 

"Anyone got an umbrella?" Louis asked and earned himself a few exasperated stares.

"I got one in one of my suitcases, I think." I said, trying to figure out which one I had packed it in. 

"I have one too, we can use them both to get to the cars in groups." Jim, a guy from the security called. 

And so I trotted next to Niall as we dragged our luggage, him holding the small umbrella above our heads. 

My, my, Harry's uncle knows his job! I believe we were all stunned at the first sight of that breathtaking house..villa...hacienda. Carefully getting out of the van, stepping on the wet ground, Harry and Lou blissfully wet, our mouths hanging open. 

Now, San Sebastian (aka Donostia) is a big city, but our villa is situated right outside it, in the forests and a few meters from the beach (which was kind of private). The magnificent two story building in the most gentle peach color is completely surrounded by trees, and only a short path, starting a few meters from the small pool, parts them to grant visitors access to the beach.   
I am not an expert in architecture or history of architectural styles, but I believe the villa was a typical Spanish one. Curvy doorknobs and ornate window shutters. 

There were exactly three bedrooms in the house, plus a tiny guest room, and their distribution was settled without a word.

I set my suitcases to the far wall and slid open the glass door to the little terrace, Niall's muffled curses audible from the corridor. Oh. Perhaps I should help him carry his luggage up the stairs. But the fresh air, a mixture of the aroma of ozone and ocean, is so nice. 

"Well, you could've helped me." my baby grunted, throwing a bag on the far side of the bed. 

I spun on my heels and smiled guiltily. I wanted to say something in the lines of 'I'm sorry baby, I was just thinking about all the great sex we're gonna have later', you know, because he looked quite pissed and his frown made his face the cutest thing ever, and because his hair looked so soft and amazing today. 

"Do you have any other bags downstairs?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Leave them to me," I smiled and got another soft grunt in return.

So, basically, when you enter through the double front door, you are faced with a nice staircase. On your right is the entrance to the living room which then goes into the kitchen and the dining room. To the left of the staircase is the door to one of the bathrooms and further along the tiny corridor the door to a bedroom, the one Harry and Lou choose for themselves. Up the flight of stairs one is faced with a brightly lit corridor (the door to the terrace at the end). There are two reasonably big bedrooms and one spacious bathroom on that floor. Me and Niall got the bigger one, the one on the left, and Zayn got the one next to the bathroom.

I left Niall's suitcases next to his bed.

"Here you go." I smiled once again, straightening my shirt, hoping I really did see his gaze dash across my wide open top. 

I made my way over to my belongings, contemplating whether I should start unpacking now or after a short nap. 

"Damn, I've missed rooming with you..." Niall laughed, putting his hands behind his back and shaking his head. 

I stared at him with the widest of smiles. How I wanted to scream the world's loudest AWW. 

"Well, I've missed rooming with you too. But I get half the wardrobe and no underwear or shoes in my side of the room."

He laughed and I had serious trouble ungluing my eyes from his. 

"You wanna separate the beds?" I asked, gesturing towards the joined beds. 

"No, it's okay." he said closing his eyes. "The beds are pretty big, and besides, I don't wanna..well, limit the space in the room."

"Ah, okay."

We decided to follow the Spanish siesta tradition and the house quieted despite Zayn's protests. Later, we found him sound asleep under an umbrella on the beach nevertheless. 

I left the door to the balcony slightly ajar and carefully laid down on my side of the bed. Or...on my bed. Niall was already dozing off on his side, still in his Hawaiian shirt. These boys will never learn that one never sleeps in the clothes he has just worn outside. See, I am in my boxers. 

I covered myself with the single sheet. Turning on my side with great care, I marveled at how quiet the house truly was. I faced my sweet leprechaun's face, I listened to his deep regular breathing. How stunningly adorable he was, his body completely relaxed, his arm under his pillow. So peaceful, so pure, so beautiful. As if not a single thing could ever trouble his soul.   
Watching the loved one sleep is a one of a kind experience. I only wished he was mine, so I could tenderly caress his cheek. He rolled on his back and I watched his chest rise and fall for a long time, until my eyes watered. 

I rolled to my back, taking a position similar to Niall's. I closed my eyes. I let every muscle of my body relax and when I thought there was nothing left strained, I sank deeper into the mattress. It felt as if I was melting and the sheets were soaking me up. The breeze outside was suddenly much more audible, a soft, soothing murmur. My eyes sank deeper into their sockets. Before my closed eyes peculiar images flashed and then dissolved into the darkness. It couldn't have been long before I was just as soundly asleep as my love, the boy who wasn't mine but was lying right there next to me. 

- 

It was late afternoon when a sleepy and very naked Harry came into our room and wrenched us away from sleep. We lazily got dressed and after going through the procedure of waking Zayn up, we headed down the beach and to the city. 

We did not wander too far from the boardwalk since not even the guys from the security that accompanied us had a map. We found a nice restaurant and had a feast. Various Spanish meals, most of which were just variations of paella, were served before us, steaming and delicious. After that a search for a good supermarket was in order and we returned to the house with at least one full of food or other necessities bag each. 

"Anyone up for a walk? I wanna check out the beach and it's a pretty warm evening." I asked, finishing my drink. 

My eyes fell on Zayn who was, yet again, sprawled on the little couch sleeping. I guess I can count him out. 

"Isn't there a game on tonight?" Louis asked.

"Yeah, I want to watch it, they should have it on TV here, right?" Harry said.

"You'll tell me what happened." I shifted my gaze to Niall who was flipping trough a magazine on the counter. "Niall?"

He stared at me with a cute uncertain expression as if in deep thought, his lips pursed a little.

"Ah well, I'll come with ya, it does seem very nice outside."

We set off, circling the small pool which looked inviting enough in the darkness. There shall be a skinny dipping night, that's for sure. You must think I was thrilled to be out with Niall on such a wonderful night. You are right, I was. But I wasn't squirming in nervous happiness, if that is what you expected. Like I said, we often take such walks, quality time for best friends, always a great pleasure for both of us. 

I left my cane inside and strolled next to Niall in the same shirt as before. The breeze felt almost as good on my body as walking next to my blond Irishman who had too changed into a loose linen shirt. We walked slowly in the opposite direction from the city, taking in our friendly surroundings in comfortable silence for quite a while. 

We passed a large, brightly lit villa, and Niall's magical blond hair glowed. How perfectly his clothes hung to his body. Hands in his pockets, veins bulging, lips begging to be kissed. I decided to speak.

"I have a good feeling about this vacation." I smiled, "Today was great, I love the city so far and the house is just amazing."

"Me too, I'm loving it so far." he waved his hand, "I hope we can get enough of a rest  _and_ party." 

We walked. A ship winked away into the immense darkness of the ocean.

"I'm gonna be nineteen next month." I observed.

The sand felt absolutely fantastic under my bare feet. Soft like ashes almost, rich in some ways and cool, very soothingly cool. 

"You are." Niall gave me his dazzling smile, "They grow up so fast, eh?"

We kept on walking, ambling, and I was happy, feeling like Michael Bolton in that Lonely Island video. Peaceful moments like this always give me hope because every trace of angst and pain is gone. It's just me and my bestest friend, spending quiet time together, throwing around pointless lines. 

The ocean seemed to match our calm mood. The sky was clear with only a few fluffy cloudies chasing each other. 

"I'm tired." Niall said suddenly.

"You're tired?"

"yeah."

I laughed and bumped his shoulder with mine. I looked around at the quiet forest and the lights falling on the beach from yet another villa down the way. 

"I like this spot. Shall we sit down or would you prefer to go back, darlen?" I placed a dramatic hand on his shoulder. 

"I believe this is where we should stop."

"Well. Allow me to help you then."

"No, no, please, let me."

"Alright. I am the injured one, after all."

Don't think my hospital adventures have stopped me from taking care of my boy's bruise. As soon as I was out, I went back to my routine of treating it three (or two) times a day. Now it is just a faint coloring of the skin. 

I leaned back on my elbows, sliding my eyes over the horizon. Niall dropped next to me and smiled. A gust of wind picked up a few lonesome hairs and they stood upright on his head, making him look even sexier. 

"I was afraid to bring it up, but..." I started, smiling hesitantly, "how are you doing? I mean...when we talked a month or so back...you were a little down..."

While I was talking, Niall's calm, smiling eyes were glued to mine and now he looked down, keeping his smile.

"Yes. I think I am alright," he buried his finger in the sand, "It was just a...a momentary phase, you know?" he grinned and I smiled knowingly, "I get these sometimes."

I played with the sand between my legs. There were a few tiny shells here and there. I dug up a few and handed Niall one, its colors indistinguishable in the dusk. We smiled at the little thing. 

"Well...if, whenever you get these...if you feel like you need to talk about it or anything, just...you know, I'm here." I made a small gesture with my hand, a tiny wave, something he often does as well. 

"Of course, of course. I...I always turn to you, it's natural. I guess sometimes it's just difficult to speak about these things and I forget that...I don't know, you never judge, you always understand." he smiled a warm, happy smile, and my heart was melting over and over again.

Moments of such honesty about our relationship are not a rare occurrence between us. I cherish each second of them, always. 

He handed me a small, dark stone with wonderfully smooth surface.

"Tell me about Dave. I never got to hear more about him." 

For a second I gaped at him and then very guiltily looked down at my pebble. Oh, where do I begin, how do I begin. 

"Is he the guy you mention when...when you said you weren't sure about being bi...?" he tried again with more uncertainty in his voice. 

Blood rushed to my face. I was thankful it was as dark.

"No, no. Didn't know him yet back then."

"Oh right."

I fiddled with the little stone in my hands. Is this the moment when I tell him everything? It's not like that thought hadn't circulated in the back of my mind since I left the hospital. 

"He's nice." is all I could manage, "I never thought I'd like a guy this way, but he's nice. Who knows." 

I hate when it gets uncomfortable, I just hate it, I hate it. It doesn't feel right, this is Niall, it's never uncomfortable with Niall. 

"So he's not the one who triggered the whole thing?" he asked as if making sure.

Well? What do you decide, Liam?

"Well, no."

"Is it bothering you?" he was concerned.

I was silent for a very long time, focusing my attention on so many little beautiful things around us. 

"No. It's fine now, it's in the past." I said, feeling my heart tearing apart. 

Niall didn't believe me. It's hard to believe I thought I'd fool  _him_ of all people. He might appear clueless more often than not, but in situations like this there's no one who sees things better than him. 

"Things do pass. Just give it some time. It hurts now, and I'm sorry it does, but I just know that nothing bad could ever happen in the end." he said with so much confidence in his voice that I instantly believed him and there, the decision was taken. 

He threw an arm around my shoulders. 

This is how it is supposed to be. Now it feels right. 

I slipped the pebble in my pocket, deep, making sure it doesn't fall out. My lungs filled with air and then emptied with a soft wheeze. 

I looked up at the sky and my breath froze in throat. Oh holy Mother of God! I haven't seen so many stars in years! Here, there, everywhere, blinking and winking and twinkling, brilliant as ever, multiplying, filling in the vast expanse, making me feel small and insignificant. 

"Niall," I pointed up at the sky and then shamelessly watched his astonished face. 

I let myself fall on my back. Niall followed. I placed my hands on my belly. Next to my closest person, I watched the stars and I dreamed, and I smiled, and I watched his smile, and the breeze caressed our faces, and the ocean sang a song I couldn't not understand.


	11. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No females spoke in the making of this chapter and Liam is just so goddamn confused again.

The walk back was a pleasant one, but it had it's troublesome moments too. We strolled side by side, shoulders brushing as usual. I am fairly certain he didn't even notice that, but to me it meant a lot. We talked and joked, and he kept throwing me worried glances, as if he was checking that I really was okay after what we talked about. At some point I reassured him that things are fine. I emphasized my words with a smile (that I hoped seemed cute to him), and I think he bought it. I mean, what's not to buy after all? I  _had_ taken the decision. I was going to tell him. 

And, the thing is, I wanted to tell him right then and there, there was something inside that wanted me to just vomit the words, but something else held them down, a great, choking fear. So I kept smiling. 

Such a wonderful night!The stars, and the ocean, and the fine grains of sang between my toes, and the soft rustling all around, and the warm breeze that had my shirt flapping every now and then, and Niall's quiet, joyful accent. Everything was perfect, yet I wanted more. I feel so deeply ashamed of myself sometimes. 

In my mind, I had already told him everything, the whole burden was already gone, and now I was getting to the good part. I had his face in my hands and I had never touched anything softer and the word 'gently,gently,gently' was spinning around in my head. And then I leaned in with a huge smile and his eyes were moist and glistening too. His lips were the most astonishingly marvelous thing I had ever come into contact with. 

In reality, I kept smiling, wishing, sighing and promising myself that soon, very soon.

At some point I reluctantly asked Niall to stop for a bit. Even though it's been, what, two weeks since the surgery, and my stitches are already out, I still need the rest sometimes. That creepy feeling that I can't inhale a sufficient amount of air comes back. But my boy is always supportive and caring, he never says anything about it. I will be back in shape in the next 10 days, I promise. 

Back at the house, Niall sat watching the game (not the same that was starting when we left, you know how it is) with the boys and I pondered joining them, but decided against it. I was still in this very peaceful, relaxed, slightly dizzy mood from the walk. I felt the need to be by myself and think. I had been able to do that with Niall too, but things are  **harder** with him right there next to me. So I prepared myself a colorful bowl of ice cream, got my headphones and walked out on the patio. I chose a lounge chair away from the lights of the house.

Finding myself amidst aromatic bushes, I tried the ice cream. I was scared. Because this shit was already affecting our friendship, at least on my side. It was not rare for me to feel all fidgety and confused, my thoughts a swirl, when around him, it was actually happening with a frightening increasing frequency. And it was never like that before! Two weeks ago I could sit next to my beautiful blond best friend and talk to him about anything and not worry about  _a thing_. And it terrified me because what I feared the most was already happening and I was helpless and I didn't want to lose him. Hot tears welled up in my eyes, it became difficult to breathe. 

I shook my head. I jammed my headphones into my ears. I started a special playlist of calm and soothing music I like to listen to when I'm feeling particularly nervous or irritated. It consists of electronic music, primarily, like Vangelis or Jean Michelle Jarr, or sounds of nature and such. 

The little ambitious perfectionist inside urged me. It's a weird thrill, like tiny horses galloping through my chest, and I've learned that it's not always good. Sometimes it gets me too worked up, too enthused, too hopeful, and I fuck things up because I am not calm because, because...Do you see what I mean?! I need to tell him. But I need to be calm. Because things are going to be okay. It doesn't have to be planned. I could go in right now and blurt it all out, if I wasn't such a coward. 

I opened my eyes and exhaled. There was someone in the chair beside me and it was Zayn. He noticed I had noticed him and smiled. I stopped the music. 

"You seemed...troubled?" Zayn began.

"Why're you out here, isn't the game still on?" I asked in a normal tone of voice. 

"I got a headache." he said and winced to illustrate his words, "Is everything alright?"

I didn't even hesitate.

"Yeah. Was just thinking."

Zayn smiled gently. He is a beautiful guy. Why couldn't I have fallen for him instead? Or for Dave, if we're gonna be talkin about boys? But why not Zayn...His gorgeous smile reminded me of Niall, he'd smiled the same way back at the beach. You know, when he said that he knows it will be all good in the end. I had believed him then, and I believed him now. One can always find the comfort, the reassurance he needs in my leprechaun's accent and smile.

-

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy next to a blond leprechaun who just won't wake up. 

Well, breakfast will definitely have him on his feet. 

Sadly, it was only Lou who was up at 9:30, and he refused to prepare something for all of us. So, you know, it was all up to me. I was just sorting out products in two nice piles on the counter, trying to decide between bacon and eggs and delicious grilled sandwiches Payne style, when Harry walked in the living room. 

"Good morning, Styles." I said carefully balancing all the bacon back to the fridge. 

He headed straight to the couch where Louis was lying, propped up on his elbow watching TV. I turned around just in time to see Harry huddling into his body and burrowing his face into his chest. Louis hugged him to himself nonchalantly. They whispered something among themselves and it made me a little sad.

I started the stove and put a pan over it. 

"You makin breakfast, Liam?" Harry called in a sleepy voice. 

"Yeah."

The first two eggs were all ready sliding around the buttery pan.

"I wanna help." he got up and walked over.

"Put something on first though, then you can start working on the sandwiches."

He started opening and closing drawers, apparently looking for a knife.

"It's hot, I can't be bothered right now."

"I don't care! Go fucking put something on."

"Fine."

-

I grabbed the bag from Lou who had been holding it for me and stepped out on the already hot sand.

"I don't understand why you need to carry that whole bag, we'll be like 300 meters from the house, you can always walk back if you need anything." Zayn said.

I threw him a look filled with contempt. We're not on good terms ever since he called my sandwiches mutants.

I took a step closer to Louis and put my hand on his shoulder.

"You understand me, don't you, Lou?"

"Of course I do, dear."

We walked until we reached the beginning of where there were actually people laying around. Then we walked a little further. We spread our stuff not too close to the water. There weren't many people around yet, so we could take up as much space as we wanted. A few guys from the security settled in the back lines, trying to stay as stealth as possible in their shorts and black sunglasses.

Zayn had a big fight with the umbrella he tried to open, but finally my head wasn't in the sun anymore and I decided to forgive him.

"Zayn, I'm not mad at you anymore." I informed him.

He fixed his towel next to Harry's.

"Really? Thanks, man!" he said.

I stood up, walked over to him and hugged him.

"Don't let it happen again. If you want this to work, you will have to respect me." I waved my finger at him while NIall laughed in his hands.

A few minutes later Niall's helping hands found their way to my back where they gently smeared sunblock around while I did the same to Lou in front of me, and we formed a little train, doing each other's backs. The lads went into the ocean shortly after that. I still couldn't do too much physical activity, and swimming was absolutely out of the question. So I stood with the water up to my chest and smiled like a true Daddy Direction, as they splashed around in the water. I did join them for a game of volleyball though, it's good to start getting my right leg used to it, I will be swimming by the end of the week.

In my bag I had crackers and I had extra clothes and I had playing cards and my iPod, as well as another small case where we could all keep our phones and watches, but I did not have water and Zayn kidded me about it until I threatened to throw his phone in the water.

I heard Niall's laughter somewhere close behind me. I turned my head with a joyful smile. I did not see him at first, my eyes fell on Chester, a guy from the security, who waved. Then I spotted the familiar red trunks and fabulous legs and my eyes- WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BLACK BITCH WITH HIM?!

\---

I mean. I mean, there was a girl with him and she was smiling charmingly, but she was ugly and he didn't seem to be buying it. I hope.

Alright, she wasn't black. She was just, like, a little tan. But she did look like a slut. In my eyes. Niall introduced her to us, said she was Spanish, didn't know much English, they'd met at the store he went to buy water from, and she was a waitress at a nearby restaurant. Her name was Juana (the J turns to H since it's Spanish, ya kno?). Juana. Reminds me of the wife of a Spanish king we learned about back in high school, Joanna The Mad.

Did you instantly figure out I was the one to blame for them meeting?

Needless to say my mind was occupied solely by the image of them sitting there on the side, talking. I kept trying to overhear what they were saying, butt fuck my Spanish. I watched them carefully, and I know Zayn watched me. They were in front of us and it was safe to stare at them, but it wasn't safe for my dignity. And that bitch, she kept smiling what she surely believed to be a lovely smile (but it wasn't, SLUT, Liam Payne says that!), brushing her hair back, giggling. You know, the usual stuff girls think they can charm you with. 

I've learned to look beyond that, even dislike it - it suggests that the girl is trying to play tricks to get me to like her, isn't being herself completely. I think we all have. But I'm not too sure about Niall, you know how he is.

And while I could see Joanna holding back, appraising him, assessing the situation - because he had, undoubtedly, already told her who he is, if she didn't know, - Niall was being his charming self, no more, no less. As far as I could see, he wasn't falling for her shit, their conversation seemed more friendly than anything. Whew. Because he looked so damn fine, and his hair was so perfect, and those arms...And that laugh? Yeah, that laugh should come after my words, that incredible smile should be directed to  _me,_ and me alone, because _ **I**_ am the best friend. 

Oh.

 _That's_  what it is. Of Course.

I was jealous.

My best friend.

When I had no right to be, absolutely no right.

Well. Isn't that funny now. How can I...I felt so terribly ashamed of myself. So fucking sickeningly pathetic, sinking deeper and deeper into the well where no Arlette or rats could be found because I was alone. Terrifyingly alone. Without my best friend, without anyone to love. As if that well was in the middle of a vast abandoned field. Not even animals passed by, maybe at some point a Lennie and George would stop by in search of water and, oh WHAT the hell am I doing, OF COURSE I have **no**  chance of ever being in a relationship with Niall, what did I allow myself to think again!

Yep. I sank in self pity and despair and hatred.

"Liam." Zayn said softly. I turned to look at him and he moved across the towels to sit next to me. He assumed the same position as me - knees bent, legs spread, arms resting on them, "Let's go in the water, waddaya say? Harry and Lou look like they'll drown each other, come on. No point in sitting here."

Perhaps it was his soft, sympathetic smile, perhaps it was his sexy voice, but I got up and followed him to the water. 

And you can't deny it's totally unfair! I was just getting so...hopeful, and everything seemed to be at peace with the words forming in my head...and now this. I may be his bestest friend, but if he finds a girl, she will be more important to him and I can't just say I love him to death and hope things stay the same. 

Zayn tried very hard to get my mind off the whole deal. I tried myself too, I horsed around with them, but it just wouldn't work. I kept throwing glances over my shoulder while Zayn watched me with that miserable, pleading expression, as if to say 'Come on dude, why are you doing this to yourself.' So I just floated on my back for a little after that.

And then, I'm supposed to be happy for him, goddamit. Like a best friend. Because he was the one hurting so bad because he felt lonely and if this b-..girl is the one, than I should support him, not be jealous. Like, what the fuck. 

After we got out of the water and dried out, Zayn dragged me to the same store Niall had bought water from, to get ice cream. He didn't say much on the way, but I kinda wish he had. I suppose he just didn't know what to say, but I appreciated his silent support. Moreover, I don't think there was a way for me not to notice, once again, how mind-blowingly hot he is. I would love to do..yeah, he is hot. 

At the store, we had the....luck of meeting two very attractive Australian chicks and Zayn leaped at the opportunity. They had heard of One Direction, but weren't part of the fandom, they were too much of whores for that. Oh well. The one that chose me for her idiotic games was called Danielle (oh look...), and the other one was Brittany. I decided to play along. Nothing too bad could come out of this.

I flirted with Danielle hardcore in the store and on the way back to the beach, but I could feel it was more of anger than anything else. Even sexual desire was low on the list of priorities with her. 

Harry and Louis hooted when they saw us coming back with girls, but they were simply envious. As far as I know, last time either of them saw his girl was at least a week ago. Brittany and Danielle didn't hang around much. We talked awkwardly, but it was clear neither side really cared, and I kept throwing Niall sneaky glances. He didn't seem too phased out, he wasn't even paying attention. 

We agreed to meet the girls at a club a little into town the same night and then they left. I played cards with the boys until about 2 and then we left for the house, leaving Niall with Juana. He spared us a minute of his time to promise he'd head back soon as well, and get tapas for lunch. I am being overly dramatic here, he didn't act like a princess, he was totally up for it and all, and Joanna watched us awkwardly as we conversed. And then we floated around the pool until my, until Niall came back with several huge bags full of food. He had gotten a little of everything, but we decided to go to the restaurant and eat there tomorrow. 

Fantastic first day.

And then we showered and decided to follow the siesta tradition again. 

"Juana seems nice," I remarked while putting away a bundle of dirty underwear and other clothes. I even tried a small smile.

"Yeah, she's pretty cool." he said and the lack of enthusiasm in his voice encouraged me, "We talked for a long time today."

I laughed.

"Yeah, I noticed."

The cool sheets felt so good on my spent body. I know a lot more about exhaustion of all kinds now, on that summer afternoon...

"And the girls you met?" he asked and slid under the covers too.

"Meh."

He watched TV and I went straight to sleep, feeling relieved.

-

Wake up in the afternoon feeling like Liam Payne

Zayn and Lou were at the beach in front of the house, sipping cocktails, when we woke up and Harry was still sleeping. We chilled with them there, watching the sun drown carefully, and then started getting ready to go out.

Following Juana's directions, we arrived at a big club a few streets into town. Entering was a shock. The music was so loud, oh God, it bowled along the floor and rolled off the walls and then crashed on everyone's heads, over and over again. 

We didn't really stick together, but meh. I tagged along with Zayn and we got ourselves drinks and moved over to the more crowded part of the club. There we found Brittany and Danielle, of course. I did not drink too much, but I shook off the sticky feeling of rejection and bitterness. Shoved it deep down rather. Damn, we were hot, dancing like there's no one around. But it definitely helped me get out all the frustration and get into the mood for a sexual encounter. 

It must have been around 2 when me and Zayn left the club hurriedly with the girls by our sides. I was quite surprised that we did not get straight to it back at the house since they said it was their last night in Spain. We chilled in creepy silence and then the others came back, loud and very drunk, and they had another surprise with them - Juana. She settled on the couch next to me and, after greeting me, Niall sat next to her. 

So I grabbed Danielle and we went up to the room I shared with Niall. I spread a towel over the sheets, out of respect, and the good part lasted about half an hour. I mean, it  _was_ good. I've had better, that's for sure, but I cannot complain. Danielle de Australia was a slut and she knew her business. 

I felt so much better after that! I opened the door to the balcony and went downstairs with a big grin plastered across my face. Niall was just saying bye to Joanna. Apparently, Zayn and Brittany weren't quite done (they weren't finished an hour later either), but Danielle didn't have the patience to wait for her friend, so she was out the door soon after that as well. 

I plopped down on the couch next to Niall, a plate with a very healthy sandwich in my lap and the same cheerful smile.

"Want me to make you one too?" I asked him.

"No, I'm fine." he didn't move his gaze from the TV. 

"Well, alright." I said and took a bite of the tomato-two different kind of ham-cheese-lettuce-loads of mayonnaise goodness, "Did you see Juana at the club?"

"Yeah."

"I like her, she seems really nice. I approve of her." I laughed to my sandwich and took another bite.

"Yeah, yeah, she  _is_  very nice."

"Yep. Aaand she doesn't look like she's too easy either." I'm hilarious tonight!

"You'd know about being easy, wouldn't you." he got up without looking at me.


	12. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you're going to like this a lot.

I'm in trouble.

I'm in serious trouble and I don't even know why, although I have suspicions. 

I don't know what's up with Niall. But things are very, very bad and I just don't know what to do. 

So we arrived here on Monday, July 2. On Wednesday I was feeling great. My mood seemed to match the weather, all sunny and inviting, even if a little too hot. Niall's comment last night did not remain unnoticed, but I brushed it off (a huge mistake on my part). He did not seem any different in his attitude towards me after that, and I was hopeful. 

Wednesday was alright. It actually started out quite fun. We went to the beach again. Juana made me very happy by not showing up. We had Niall to ourselves. It was a lazy morning, we mostly laid around and occasionally changed positions like meat over the fire. I did several big walks in the water, accompanied by one of the boys or alone (even my baby volunteered to join me, which is what gave me as much hope). We had a lovely lunch and after nap time went around town. It wasn't the right time for sightseeing, but we checked out a few nice stores and found a nice place for an early dinner. We decided to try all the different kinda of sea food they could offer. We had soup first, each one of us tried a different kind, and after that there was barely any room on the table even for our elbows - fried squid, salmon, piquillo peppers with tuna and big fish and small fish, and, oh!, don't forget the salads! And all the while Niall, my boy, was sitting across the table from me, all cheerful and adorable, talking to everyone, and to me...He was wearing black, tight fitted shorts and a white T-shirt, and his hair was a gel-ly mess, and he was gorgeous. Wonderful night!

\- 2 -

Thursday was a miserable day. Oh, it started out okay. Everything was fine. We went to the beach as usual, I was feeling better and swam in a small circle around the lads while they played something that was supposed to be volleyball. Me and Harry even decided we wanted to dig a hole in the sand, but we didn't have the necessary tools. Zayn joined us in search for a proper set of kids sand tools. We didn't like 

 

so we bought

 

.

We returned to the beach proud and laughing. My smile quickly faded when I saw the body next to Niall. Very well then. I wasn't in the mood for digging anymore. While Niall and his companion were in the water, I stared at the sexy sleeping Zayn next to me. His right hand was resting on his abs, his hair sticking upwards. The light stubble on his cheeks suggested he hadn't shaved in at least two days, and that reminded me of the little patch below my lower lip which was turning out quite well. A desire was born within the four walls of my jealousy, loneliness, angst and pain. The urge picked up my hand and carried it through the few inches of air with ease. The back side of my fingers lightly grazed Zayn's cheek and when he didn't stir, grew bold and tenderly caressed the rough texture. A thrill shot through my body, stopped somewhere in the general region of my groin. The mesmerizing eyes opened slowly, my fingers withdrew quickly. Zayn watched me, his expression never changing, and I watched him until I could no longer, and then I lowered my gaze to the sand. We never spoke of that moment, not until a few days later, that is.

And the rest of the day was shit. Because as much as it made me incredibly happy and warm everytime Niall smiled at me or talked to me (it is that bad, I cannot be myself anymore), I couldn't help but worry. And I didn't realize it then, but it was all my fault, I was causing this, in my head and from there, to my friendship with the beautiful Irishman. That night we went to a bigger club further from the house. The music was louder, but I was in a good mood. Niall and Juana, they had arranged to meet. I met a nice girl from Ohio, with the help of Harry. She really was nice, smart too, but she was very good looking and she hinted I was her favorite member of One Direction. Around 1:30 am I went to get Lou a drink, poor guy, he'd been having fun, but he was missing Eleanor. She was visiting next week. I was at the bar, waiting for the bartender to stop playing with the ice cubes and make the drink already, when I saw Niall kissing Juana, and Juana kissing Niall. For a moment I was dizzy, honestly, the bartender and his ice cubes were engulfed in darkness, and then I was just hot and trembling. I carefully picked up Louis' drink, already paid for (you like it, it likes you, that's expensive rum, mister, are you sure?) carried it back to the table, excused myself and emerged into the cooler air.

\- 3 -

It wasn't Friday 13th, but it was a Friday alright, one of the worst days of my life. Or no, maybe Saturday was the worse?

Niall was very happy in the morning. I had to smile and be happy for him too, while despair was eating me from the inside. At breakfast we discussed the possible daily activities and decided we wouldn't go down to the beach, so the nap could be moved to an earlier slot and we could go downtown in the afternoon. I tried to have a serious thinking session about what I was going to say to Niall and about how it was going to affect him, but then I got mad and very jealous and very sad. I had the number of Madison, the girl from Ohio, in my phone. She was free, yes. I left the house dressed in shorts and a simple T-shirt.

"Where you goin?" Niall called with a big happy smile on his face, but I didn't like that smile, although I responded with one of my own. 

"Out."

"Oh, are you meeting Madison?" Harry asked from where he was lying on his comfortable green pool mattress. 

"Yeah."

"Who's Madison? Oh, did you meet another girl already?" Niall was looking at me with a serious expression, his book in his lap.

"Yes."

He sighed and went back to his book.

She looked very hot. I didn't know what I was doing, but it seemed that I didn't care. It's on Friday that the Daze started. We had a chat at a nice cafe. One thing lead to another and then we were back at the house. 

Niall spoke to me only when necessary that afternoon. He seemed distant, towards me at least, and he avoided looking at me. When he did, there was an unfriendly, unfamiliar coldness in his eyes. 

We went to the club we'd gone to on our second night. It was starting to get a little annoying, many girls had found out we're in Spain (probably because Zayn was smart enough to tweet a picture and say he's enjoying the Spanish sun). Zayn, who I now blame for a lot of things, although he only meant good, introduced me to a Spanish lady. Normally, I would have enjoyed the evening with her, chatting, dancing maybe, because she was nice and she was attractive. But yes, she was attractive, and Niall was sitting so far from me, never looking in my direction, enjoying his drink and having fun. And it was the Daze already, so when we left, she left with us. Harry was very drunk that night. Louis enjoyed making fun of him. 

\- 4 -

Saturday morning we woke up to a bumpy blanket of white-gray clouds covering the entire sky in every direction. During the night, I had had to get up and close the door to the balcony because of the cold breeze rolling in and prompting Niall to wrap himself in his covers. There were several multi-colored blankets in the wardrobe. I threw one over his small, perfect body, and the other one took for myself. So I was comfortably warm in the morning. Niall was still asleep and I was afraid to wake him up for breakfast. When he came to the table, he said a stern thank you for covering me with that blanket. I lifted my gaze in surprise and there was a flutter in my chest at the sound of his voice, but his dazzling eyes would not meet mine. I heard Zayn sighing and when I looked down at my plate again, I caught Louis eyeing us with a concerned curiosity. I was smaller than a bug, crushed and devastated.

We chose not to go sightseeing. Not that it was cold or anything, but no one seemed too excited about a trip, and Harry had a pretty bad hangover. Later, it became known he has been having problems with Jess. We sat around one of the tables on the patio and played cards, all of us wearing hoodies or sweatshirts - the wind was not pleasant. The game was fun and I actually cheered up a little. For a moment there I felt things as normal again because even my boy was smiling and laughing with me as close to him. Then Harry told us a slow joke and I laughed, hard, because it was a good joke and while I was laughing and feeling all happy, my gaze met Niall's smiling eyes. I knew I should look away immediately, but I just couldn't, my body froze in a tremulous state and my heart thudded in my chest because of his breathtakingly beautiful face, and that astonishing smile and the majestically sparkling eyes. Next thing I know, he's dropping his cards on the table and leaving.

Friendship=Dead

Liam Payne=Nothing

Later, when I went up to the room I shared with Niall to put something warmer because we were going out for lunch, I gathered the courage to apologize. I was way too disheartened by the recent...events to even think about pouring my heart out.

He was sitting on his side of the bed. I moved to the wardrobe and picked out a long sleeved shirt. I stood awkwardly at the foot of the bed.

"Niall, I want to apologize." I began with much confidence, but then my voice started shaking, "I am very sorry if I have done anything to offend you. I...would like to work on-"

He hurriedly buttoned his shirt and left the room. I was left dumbfounded and crestfallen.

I can't do this anymore, I can't. My heart is exhausted. What did I do to deserve this? I don't know what's happening.

\- 5 -

Finally, here I am. Lying on my side of the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Actually, I shouldn't be saying 'my side of the bed'. There are two beds, after all. 

It's 5 pm. Niall, Harry and Zayn went to the beach, Louis is sleeping. The clouds cleared out in the morning and the ground quickly dried from the rain that had left big wobbly imprints on the pages of my book. It is still cooler than the previous days, but it was just perfect. I wish I had someone to go for a walk with. I wish I cared enough to go for a walk. 

Did you know that someone left a big basket full of stuffed carrots next to the pool? We found it yesterday morning. Niall has his stuffed leprechaun. It used to be right there, next to the mirror, but now it's gone. I am sure I could find it in his suitcase, if I had the guts to look for it. But I am afraid that it won't be there, that he's thrown it away. 

I am convinced that I caused all of this. I have several theories, but the most prominent one, in my mind, is that he knows, or at least suspects, how hard I have fallen for him, and he doesn't like it. He probably thinks I think he likes me back and now I'm trying to make him jealous by hooking up with girls. He's seen through every gesture, and more. How embarrassing. How terrible. It's a far shot, but he probably hopes his thing with Juana will prove to me he's not interested, so I can back off.

But if that is true, why wouldn't he just speak to me? Is this how much faith he has in our friendship? 

I've ruined everything. Everything. One of the most important things in my life. 

Our fucking friendship is..annihilated, alright?!

The small chandelier on the ceiling is swaying lightly in the breeze. The pebble feels nice in my fingers.

Juana is probably with them right now. So much for Niall's promise things will be just fine.

Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve it? I am demolished inside, believe me, there is not a wall that is still standing. Everything is down, in crumbles so small, a desert of fine gray sand is formed. And I am standing here, trying to keep myself from crying. No one in sight. In the distance I can see the huge fragments, remnants of my heart. Huge chunks of worn out flesh. 

I am not being dramatic. I am just stating how I feel. Alright.

Do you realize...ugh...Sometimes I just can't comprehend it all, but then...I've lost my best friend. There's a huge pit gaping in the place where he used to be, it's like someone's torn him away. Our friendship, everything just...aghh!!!

Zayn has been trying to help. He offered to talk to Niall, but I wouldn't let him. He sees how much I am hurting, I think, and he's trying to comfort me, but he just doesn't know how. 

I should man up and do the right thing. I am the cause of all of this, I have to fix it. I will...I will sit him down, tomorrow first thing in the morning. Tell him everything and apologize. Explain that I want nothing from him, just to be friends, back to normal, that's all. 

I sometimes wish I was more like Louis. I could do and say what's on my mind just like that, without having to rationalize and think and then rationalize again for hours and days.

Amazing first week. Brilliant, fabulous, marvelous! 

-

I must have dozed off. Rubbing my bare torso gently, Louis was attempting to wake me up. His hair was a complete mess, but it only made him more handsome, and he was well aware of that. 

"How much did I sleep?" I ran my palm over my face.

"I don't know really, but it's around 6:30. The lads are back, Niall's gonna order pizza soon. Thought I'd wake you up."

"Are we going out after that?" I asked tiredly.

"Maybe." Louis turned to leave, but then stopped. His gaze lingered over me, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, sure."

The pizza was very good. Around 9 we headed to our respective rooms to change for the night. I was just unbuttoning my shorts when Niall came in. The he saw me, gyrated on his heels and walked out. 

I was sitting at the kitchen table, playing with my little stone. He went to the mirror over the sink and checked his hair while my eyes roamed his body. He was wearing a tight black button up shirt (top three buttons open) and beige trousers, firmly secured around his waist by a gorgeous black belt with a rectangle buckle of shiny solid metal. His legs were slightly spread, the shirt clung to his body and outlined the contours of his biceps when he lifted his arms to fix his hair.

"You are very handsome tonight." I spoke.

He turned to look at me with a little surprise in his eyes. I held his gaze. He came over and sat in a chair opposite of me. I watched the beautiful shadows cast on his face by the lights. His face seemed to radiate infinite masculinity, topped with a fine layer of tenderness. His gaze stopped somewhere on my neck, then he lifted it back to meet mine.

"You look very hot too."

I looked down at my hands, feeling my cheeks growing warm. I noticed a little white line that ran through the surface of the pebble, but didn't really pay attention to it. A door slammed somewhere on the other side of the house and we heard Harry talking on the phone. I winced, Zayn laughed and I grinned at him. 

"What the fuck do you mean, I'm not showing any interest, we were together just last week!" he raised his voice. Ah, this is not good, Harry never raises his voice, "And besides- no, no, listen to me! I proposed that you come visit with Eleanor, or if you aren't free next week, the week after that, and you said no. How do you think that made  _me_  feel? Now you're saying you want to see me, well then why the fuck don't you come! I've been bending over backwards for so long, driving to this place, flying to that place, trying to arrange my shit so that we can see each other, now I'm on vacation with the lads and you are acting awful again!"

The front door slammed shut right when he was saying 'awful'. Poor guy. I've never really liked Jess. She always wants something, from all of us. The yelling ceased a little after Harry had walked outside.

"Harreh!" we heard Louis calling and then he poked his head in the kitchen, "Harreh, where art thou?" 

He walked out. I was more than certain he'd be able to comfort Harry. I think he's always trying to make up for that time a while ago, when Harry thought he'd disappointed us. 

When Niall came down in his simple, yet incredibly sexy jeans-shirt attire, I averted my eyes from him and took in a ragged breath. Then we left and I locked the house. Harry seemed to be okay. For a while he walked with Lou's arm around his shoulders.

-

My head throbbed, but still I got up and followed Harry to the bar for another drink. I didn't mean to drink too much. Nevertheless, I did. Well, I reached my limit at least. That's all. 

I don't even know what club we were at, but the music was near splintering my skull. Niall was having fun, I think. Zayn was too, but then he came back to the table and searched the pockets of his jacket.

"Where you goin?" I asked, getting my voice as loud over the music as I could, but it still came out as if I had a rag in my mouth.

"Out! For a smoke!" he waved his arms around.

I looked at him disgustedly and took a big gulp of my drink. He smokes very little nowadays, and I give him credit for that, but it still grosses me out. I watched the rapidly swaying mass of bodies with apathy. The Daze numbed things, to an extent. I had no desire to meet anyone that night, not anymore. It had already become very clear to me that I would get no satisfaction, other than physical, from sex with someone random. In everyone I sought comfort and emotion. 

I took another sip of my drink. Feeling moisture over my lip, I reached for my napkin and wiped it away. As I was putting it back on the table, I noticed a big dark blotch on it. Yep. After close examination under the flashing lights of the club I came to the conclusion that it was blood. I felt under my nose with my fingers and sure enough there was another thin stream approaching my mouth. Pressing a napkin to my nostrils, I quickly navigated through the crowd with a few more in my pocket. 

"What's going on?" Zayn asked concernedly when I emerged into the warm night.

"Nosebleed." I said.

"Ohh, you alright?" he stepped closer, but I quickly took a step back.

"Don't get near me with that cigarette."

He threw the half burnt thing to the ground and pressed the heel of his stylish shoe over it. There wasn't that much blood on the napkin, and then his hand was on my shoulder. I could smell his strong cologne over the stench of tobacco even though I did feel a little bit of clogging up there. 

"Just let it all run out, okay, I don't think it's serious."

There was no more blood. I raised my head and then bent down to get the bloody napkin from where I'd thrown it on the ground, but Zayn was faster, his warm hand gently stopped mine. I could feel him staring at me and I searched for his eyes too. I don't know how but my fingers twisted around his. His lips parted slightly. I took in every single detail about his jawline and freshly shaved cheeks. Electricity was flowing from his body to mine through our clenched fingers.

I abruptly broke еye contact. A figure could be seen down the street, people were walking on the opposite sidewalk. Shit, this was so dangerous for so, so many reasons, and just..

Zayn walked over to the nearest trashcan. I watched the way his body moved with so much confidence, arrogance even, and a hint of drunken stagger. I don't understand this. But...I really don't want to either.

He stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets.

"Would you like to head back to the house? We could have Chester drive us." he tried looking me straight in the eyes, but neither of us could handle that with the realization of what thе question really implied. 

"I just need to get my jacket." I said and turned to walk back into the club. 

Fortunately, I didn't meet any of the lads on my way. I made a mental note to text Louis that me and Zayn have left, assuming he would be the sober one. I mean, I couldn't text Niall for obvious reasons...Oh, Niall...No, I don't want to think about this now. 

Zayn was waiting for me at the bar. He had already downed another vodka. On the way back, the sexual tension was thicker than oil, but we managed. We talked, he joked and I actually found myself laughing. I was becoming uncertain about the whole deal with each meter closer to the house, but I had had my fair share of alcohol and the burning anticipation spreading up from my groin seemed to be more important. 

I unlocked the front door to the house. Zayn staggered inside and went for the kitchen. I could not unglue my eyes from his back, the way his shirt hugged his sculptured body, the way his trousers hugged his ass. Damn, this is quite different from checking guys out before I...came to terms with my sexuality. I waited for him by the door to the living room. How quiet the house was. Creepy. He trotted out without looking at me, only grabbing my wrist and tugging. I was quite afraid we might fall down the stairs, but we were lucky. 

His room was well aired out. There was a trace of his cologne in the air. The bed was made, although without much care, and there was a wide array of different cosmetic products on the table in front of the mirror. He let go of my wrist, turned on the lamp on his nightstand and grabbed my hand carefully but possessively just as I took my first uncertain steps inside. He moved closer. His eyes bore the same uncertainty and then they looked for permission in mine, which hardened with desire, I could literally feel it. 

For a fraction of the second he was biting his lower lip and there was a veil passing over his eyes, but then his lips crashed down on mine. There were no fireworks, only a jolt to my dick and a tingling sensation all over my body. His kiss was rough and invasive and I answered with the same, and our hands were all over the other's body, exploring and drawing pleasure from every tense muscle. I don't know about him, but I was so hard it seriously hurt. His hands were trying to get under my belt, and then he was spinning me, pushing me towards the bed. 

On my back, the weight of his perfect body over me. We were making out heavily again. I have never experienced a kiss so hot and rough. Our tongues were battling and it was clear to both of us that neither would win for more than a second. He was biting and pulling on my lips, but even without that I was sure they would be bruised in the morning. Finally he broke the kiss. He showed no signs of problems with breathing while I was panting. His jaw moved around, his expression was filled with determination and wild lust. 

Very well, very well. He better move his ass though, or I might just blow my load right there.

There we go. Remember how the top three buttons of his shirt were open? It was driving me crazy, being able to see only so little of him. My gaze went up to his face. He licked his lips and then tugged on my shirt. Within seconds it was off. He drew in a breath and moved on to my belt with his hands trembling just as much as my body was. His hair, his jawline, his JAWLINE, his neck, I want to kiss him.

I sat up as best as I could and pulled him close by his shirt, feeling like in a porno. Our faces were centimeters apart, but we waited until the desire became overwhelming and then I managed to flip him over on his back without falling off the bed. We giggled, I dove right for his neck. Suddenly I was enveloped by a cloud of the paralyzing smell of his cologne. An itching was born somewhere in my fingers, to touch and grope. I unbuttoned his shirt all the way down to reveal his stunning chest while kissing and maybe even licking his neck. Not how I'd usually handle things, but the alcohol had to speak. 

I took his nipple between the fingers of my right hand and he moaned, such a sexy moan. There was so much need in his gorgeous eyes...

I kissed down and all around his chest and he panted and whimpered, but when I reached his treasure trail and savored the look of it (I've never seen another guy's treasure trail upclose, and it was pretty astonishing and arousing, those little tiny hairs forming a path to big and juicy treasures, and did I just think that) he decided he wanted to be in charge again. I remember I thought we must look pretty hot, two remarkably handsome guys, half naked, one bent over the other, who's moaning like mad in the mean time.

He settled over me in the same position as before, straddling my legs, still a little careful not to hurt the place where they'd cut me open. He stopped, for a second we stared at each other and my breathing was growing more and more ragged.

"I really like what you got going on there..." he said and his finger tickled the tiny patch under my lower lip. Then it boldly climbed and ended up in my mouth. I sucked on it shamelessly. His mouth hung open, his nostrils flared, he quickly pulled the finger out. Back to driving me insane by biting on his lip, he struggled with the buckle of my belt.

"I wanna see your peacock-cock-cock, you peacock-cock..." he sang under his breath and I laughed incredulously.

"You're so drunk." I observed.

But then he was already removing my pants and the tent in my boxers was so big he actually did a double take. He pointed to the tent while throwing my trousers to the ground, his eyes growing wide.

"Is it usually that-"

"No, no, not  _that_  big, that's from the boxers." he's seen it, after all, I don't think that handjob is so easy to forget.

Zayn's tongue darted over his teeth. His fingers creeped up my leg while I was watching his expression, and then he grabbed my dick through the fabric and I was all like 'aahh, aahh AAAHH' because you know, I was right on the edge. 

"Wait, wait, wait!" I waved my arms, "How..far are we taking this?"

I was scared, I admit. It felt amazing, it felt brilliant, but the effects of the drinks were wearing off, so...

But Zayn was suddenly calm and smiley.

"I'm not gonna make you do anything you don't want to..." he shrugged, his fingers had stopped tapping on the underside of my dick, "All up to you."

I gave the question serious thought. You have no idea how hot he was with his shirt hanging open and that serious, but kinda gentle expression, blinking as if in slow motion.

"Can we not...like..fuck?"

He laughed.

"I don't think it'd work out anyways."

Before I knew what was happening, his pants were off and he was straddling me again with a massive tent in his boxers. It was irresistible and he knew it very well. He gently pulled down my boxers, my boner slapped my abs. I'm not that big, but it's not unimpressive, okay? Zayn stared at it. Well, now it's my turn, isn't it? Fireman Sam gotta take the hat off, and this is a very lame joke. 

I took the waistband with the fingers of both my hands and started tugging down slowly, my own dick throbbing. There it is, the head, and now a little more and...oh, it's perfect! Oh, gooooddammit, it's so great, perfect size, circumcised, just a little bit bigger than mine, but not too big...Maybe I could...

But then he had already taken off his underwear and was now on top of me again, kissing me so passionately I almost exploded. Again. He wanted me to spread my legs and I did. He positioned his dick on top of mine and clumsily started rocking back and forth in something I latter learned is called frottage, and the undersides were rubbing, and he started kissing me again and it was just all too much, all the jolts and shivers coursing through my body, and his hot skin on mine and the way he moved with so much strength and confidence and his tongue and the small whimpers we were both making and our dicks sliding up against each other in the mixed precum and my member literally burning as if numb, but not quite, from all the pleasure, and I broke the kiss and held on to him tight as I moaned in his ear and he grunted in mine, doing final few thrusts. THERE IT IS,  _ **THERE IT IS**_ , for God's sake, thick flaming ropes of cum shot through my dick and between our sweaty bodies and I felt his cum spewing out too, his face was pressed into the pillow and a muffled continuous 'aaaaaaaahhh' could be heard. Best. orgasm. in months. If not ever. 

We were both spasming, him sprawled on top of me, obviously a little too exhausted to move in those first few moments. He suddenly propped himself up on his arms, he stared right into my eyes. I smiled. He kissed me, then rolled over next to me. 

I cleaned us up and then lied next to him. We talked about a lot of things, sex does wonders for closeness. He tried to approach the whole deal with Niall, but I was still in the Daze in a way, and at that moment I was happy, so I just didn't let him. I noticed the little, very little bush above his dick and casually played with it while talking. He was still quite drunk. He asked me whether I shave my balls, and I told him the truth, I only trim there, too scared to bring a razor anywhere close. So he...he shaved my balls, all serious and stuff.

Of course, during the whole process of shaving, I had gotten hard again. When Zayn returned from the bathroom. He gave me a blowjob so good my second orgasm almost topped my first one. God, he's a master. 

He didn't expect me to return the favor, but I let my free spirit come out. Scared as fuck, I got on my knees, he was laying down. He watched me with his hands behind his back while I carefully took his member in my hand. It felt good, it felt incredible. I stroked it and he closed his eyes. Then I took the head in my mouth and the taste wasn't so bad, but suddenly I was feeling dirty and repulsed, not by his dick, by my actions, by my position. I pulled away. I looked at him apologetically and he smiled softly. 

"How about just a handjob?"

We were again lying side by side, bodies touching, but that didn't bother us. We were talking again. Now the only light coming into the room was the moonlight. We weren't lovers, we were extremely close friends. I felt so peaceful at that moment. Oh, my heart still ached for someone else, don't you doubt that, but I really couldn't let myself think about that right now.

Zayn and I, we talked about how it got to this. It had obviously been building up for a long time, on both sides. I looked for the answer inside of me.

"I think it's only sexual on my part. I mean, I obviously cherish you as a friend, but it's...it's no secret how handsome you are. I guess after I came to terms with my...sexuality, I was suddenly free to let these thoughts and feelings gets from my dick to my head, you know." I explained, and I could see Zayn smiling to me. 

We were silent for a long time. I supposed it must have been after 3, after 4 even. We hadn't even heard the lads coming back. What if Niall...nevermind. I'm tired.

"I think I have a tiny crush on you." Zayn said, "But it's nothing to be worried about. It's mainly sexual for me too. And I value you as a friend a lot too."

I wanted to kiss his smiling face again, but I didn't. 

"It was amazing." he said.

"It was. Definitely." I agreed.

"Can we do it again sometime?" he asked.

"I..think we can."

Zayn fell asleep facing me and I fell asleep on my back. I was feeling strangely happy under the soothingly cool covers, with the body of a strong and wild friend next to me.

-

When I woke up, the house was quiet and Zayn was still sleeping. My head hurt a little. Zayn was cute sleeping.

I didn't get up right away, but when I did, I found my phone in my pants' pocket. 11:14 AM. The bright sun must have woken me up. Well...

I snuggled under the covers again and dozed off. When I woke up, the room didn't look much different from before so I couldn't have slept for more than half an hour. Zayn wasn't in bed. I found my boxers. I left the room trying to figure out exactly how I felt about what happened last night. 

The lads were around the table, drinking coffee and having breakfast. This time it was Louis who looked hungover. I greeted them and headed for the counter where Zayn was making himself breakfast as well. He'd put on shorts, leaving me the only one in underwear. The choice between cereal and toast is not a hard one. I reached up in the drawer above me. I looked between the cereal boxes and scratched my balls not very discretely.

"Itchy?" Zayn grinned.

"Terribly so."

"I have this creme that's soothing for the skin, I'll give you some." he said. 

I turned around with my bowl in my hands the same time he did, only to see three confused faces staring at us. They were like a bunch from a kids' movie, all of them with their jaws hanging low and all.

Louis was the first to speak.

"Did you guys spend the night together?"

Zayn looked at me and grinned amusedly, and I smiled at the floor with a terrible blush creeping to my face.

"You slept with Zayn?!" I could practically hear the exclamation and question marks in Niall's question, and that's about the time the Daze ended.


	13. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I really, really think you're going to like this!

It was all for the best. I didn't know that, but it was.

-

The moment my body, my consciousness registered his words, his accusing tone, his strained posture, the tremendous disgust dripping from the question, I was completely paralyzed. My limbs literally went cold, my head swam in shame, it's a miracle I didn't drop the bowl I was holding like someone in a movie would have. It just hit me, I don't know what it was, but...I was suddenly so so so so so sorry, Niall, I wish I had never done it, any of it, I just-you-I...

Harry and Lou were looking between us. Zayn didn't speak, and I was thankful for that.

"You did, didn't you? Oh my God, what the fuck is wrong with you lately?! We've been here for a week and you've already fucked three girls, and now you sleep with Zayn! And, Zayn...what, did you seduce him, did you rape him, since when does  _he_  like guys too?!" Niall's cheeks were flushed and he wore that expression of utter disgust and confusion in one.

I didn't know what to say. So that's what it's all about...and he's absolutely right what the fuck am i doing what was i thinking holy shit holy shit, this is so fucked up, so bloody humiliating-

"I've liked guys for quite some time now, but it's only sexual. He didn't rape me, we had been having something flying between us for a long time and it was time for it to come out." Zayn spoke calmly.

Larry kept staring.

"Okay. Well...that still doesn't change things, are you some kind of a whore now?! You've been unbelievably distant lately, and just, I can't even begin to tell you how...how, I don't know,  _disgusting_  and _,_ and  _contemptible_  this is! Three girls you'll most probably never see again in a week, and then Zayn! This isn't Jersey Shore!" I could only stare, holding back tears, waiting for him to stop spitting words and banging the table so I can finally try to apologize or do something or...and then he laughed disdainfully, "Maybe Daddy Direction will finally fully deserve his name..."

I didn't care the phrasing was lame, I got the message, and it stung like fuck. I wasn't looking at him anymore, I was looking at my feet, counting the white and red lines on the thin carpet. They started out of nowhere and then branched out. What have I done, what have I turned into, and what what what was I thinking.

The silence was thick. I lifted my eyes to see Niall staring at me, his gaze was a little softer, but filled with an infinite coldness the moment my eyes met his. He was still holding his spoon. Then he demonstratively threw it into his bowl where it clanked and I jumped a little. He stood up and headed for the living room. But then suddenly I was angry too.

"What do  _you_  even care? I am free to do anything, we're on vacation, goddamit, I'm just. having. fun. Why are you making such a fucking big deal out of it? Why are you so righteous all of a sudden?" oh, I was furious, so furious that no sense could penetrate. 

He had stopped and was now looking at me. While I was speaking, his eyes had gradually widened, his mouth had gradually opened, trying to say something so obvious that I did not see, understand. He was still crazy handsome.

"What the hell do you mean why do I care! How can I  _not_ care, I-" he licked his lips, "We're friends, we're  _best_ friends, or..or so I thought, and I see that this is not you, that something's happening! How can you ask...I care because it's not you, and, and what you've been doing is just...it's not what  _you_ 'd do, it's completely...I don't know,  _wrong_!" 

"That's quite a dumb reason, don't you think, friends support each other no matter what, is this the kind of a friend you are?" sometimes you say bullshit, just because you're so freaking hurt that if you don't say something completely idiotic, you'd just lose it. 

But I could see it had gotten to him. He knew it was crap, but I suppose I had said it convincingly enough for him to wonder, wow, did you just go there. His shoulders were slumped now, his eyes has lost the coldness, he looked like my boy, and I wanted to hold him and just forget about this whole catastrophe.

He shook his head.

"So you want to have fun. That's okay...I..just don't think that's you. And...But I just don't understand the sudden change! First you tell me you like guys, you are bisexual, I was okay with that, whatever floats your boat, I just want you to be happy," he was flailing his arms wildly, "Then you met the Australian chick, whatever, I figured you probably need to get it in after the surgery and after the whole thing, but then Madison and then another one and you just haven't been yourself lately and then,  _then_ you go and you fuck Zayn-" his speech was now a little slurred and his accent was becoming so strong it was hard even for me to understand everything he was saying, "Or wait, did he fuck you? You seem to like changing, trying new things, now you've decided to explore sexually, fine! I'm just fucking concerned, I'm just trying to be the fucking best friend, and you're taking it like...You know, just fuck you, not literally, but fuck you, and fuck this, I tried, change all you want, I don't give a shit!"

There. He's officially given up on me. I've officially lost my best friend, the person that's meant the most to me in the last year. No,  _don't_ try to tell me it's going to be fine, he said it, he's done, I've fucked up so bad, whatnowwhatnow

He was already walking towards the door, when I had to screw things up even more.

"Again, Niall, you're the one who's wrong, I thought you'd support me, and you're just being dramatic!" 

He stopped and turned to look at me. All the coldness was replaced by bitterness, the sense of defeat, rejection and maybe a trace of rage. He looked like he wanted to say something, his lips moved, then he turned again and left. I was still seething because of everything I've done and of how damn guilty I was feeling and because of the other part of me that was trying to tell me that I had every right to try to move on, and the Liam who wanted to apologize and hold Niall and just make things right, tell him everything, have things go back to the way they used to be.

I headed for the sliding glass door that lead to the small side patio. Even in my steps I felt completely exhausted. The boys had been staring open mouthed. Or at least Lou and Harry, I looked at Zayn once and he was eating his cereal miserably. Behind me, I heard Louis giving orders.

"Zayn, go talk to Niall, I'll talk to Liam, Harry make tea." I had one foot outside already, bowl still in hand. 

"I think I should talk to Liam, I-" I heard Zayn say, but then I closed the door behind me. 

The prospect of someone talking to me right now should have been even more maddening, but I was aching for attention and comfort. I wasn't angry anymore. Well, at myself only maybe. There was a large wooden garden bench pressed to the wall next to the small table where I placed the bowl of softening cereal. I laid down on the soft cushions.

I don't know how or why, but he was my best friend again, my leprechaun. How I wished I hadn't said anything, but sometimes the mouth keeps moving and the mind goes dead. How I wished we could just go out on a walk, be Niall and Liam...

I sat up and reached for my bowl just as Zayn closed the glass door behind him. I was still hungry, after all. I laid back and started eating miserably, mimicking Zayn. I didn't know what to think, a relentless turmoil that blustered inside my head and my body. It was the horrible, crushing, burning guilt, and the remorse along with it, and it was the devastating loss, and it was the dirty feeling and the shameful memories flashing everywhere, not of the night with Zayn, but of the other three encounters. 

"Wow." I said quietly and shook my head, "I can't believe I did all of this and...I didn't even think about it... _me_  of all people!"

Zayn sat down on the bench, and I scooted my legs so he could get comfortable. He didn't say anything. I looked at him pleadingly, but he was staring at his hands. 

"Do you understand how bad I've fucked up...everything?! Everything I was trying to avoid, the things I feared the most...they are all reality, because of me...!" my eyes were watering already, my voice was lower, I sat forward. 

"Calm down, please. And let me tell you how I see the situation." Zayn said and placed a comforting hand on my leg.

I slowly devoured my cereal, and finally Zayn spoke. His morning hair and the way the sun hit it was stunning. I am not ashamed to admit that, no. The night with Zayn...it was eventually going to happen, and I don't regret it. True, it was the last straw, but I desperately needed affection and emotion, and he was able to give me that. It's something I am grateful for, not something I feel bad about.

"Do you realize how stupid the whole argument was?" he didn't give me time to reply, but even if he had, I wouldn't have known what to say, "What you did was stupid - sleeping around, and...well, acting like an idiot. What he's doing is stupid as well, you said it yourself, you can do whatever you feel like doing. I'm not taking his side, but I'm not taking yours either. It's just incredibly stupid and ridiculous."

He paused. I stared at him....open mouthed. Hearing Zayn's opinion for the first time...wow. I handed him my bowl so he could place it on the table, but he took a few spoonfuls himself before thoughtfully proceeding.

"And I understand that you're hurt, and that this is why you're doing and saying shit. But you gotta get a grip. And as for last night, do you..." he took a deep breath, I already wanted to put a hand on his slumped shoulders, "...do you feel-"

At that moment the glass door slid open and Harry stepped out with a steaming cup in his hand. Just as he was about to close the door though, a phone rung somewhere inside, and he turned and went back in without saying anything or leaving the cup.

"Harreh!" Zayn called, "Where didja goooo, Harreh?"

I chuckled to myself. I actually did. 

"So, I was saying, do you feel bad about what we did last night?" he asked, reeking of insecurity again.

"No, no, not at all. I actually feel great about it." his body visibly relaxed, "I am glad we did what we did. I told you last night, you gave me something I really needed.  _And_ you are...even more amazing in bed than people say. Even if we didn't do that much..."

I was blushing hardcore and he smiled, something on the border between a grin and a smirk.

"I'm glad." he said, "Don't worry. He was overreacting, and it will blow over, you'll see..."

I did feel much better. I let out a sigh of agreement.

"Wanna suck my dick in the meantime?" Zayn asked, but I wasn't in the mood to reply, "I'm serious, come on..."

Now he was grinning and I kicked him. He leaned back on the bench, we sat in silence. I was feeling relieved, I wanted to believe him that it will be fine. Of course I'd have to apologize because I fucked up so, so horribly, but...perhaps things aren't that bad. Please.

After five or ten minutes of sitting in silence, during which I was desperately trying to convince myself that I can fix this, that it will be fine, that I just have to talk to him, that I just have to be patient, Louis came out on the patio. He had a solemn look on his face and no matter how hard I tried to read it, I couldn't pick up on anything. He pulled a chair and sat close to the bench, facing us. 

"I couldn't get him to tell me anything." he said once he was settled, "I tried again and again, with different approaches, but he seemed very pissed. He was just changing to go out."

"What took you so long then?" I asked, the familiar anxiety rising up inside of me, stronger than ever. 

"Well, he did open up a little. He didn't say anything I didn't already know from your fight, but one thing I can tell you for sure is that he is very hurt. I don't know what started this between you, but he's very hurt."

Ooooohhhhhh God..........what have I done! I sat up, feet touching the warm stony floor, and clutched my head in my hands. Is it normal to feel this horrible for completely destroying your friendship with the one person that is basically all you've ever wanted? Is it normal that it hurts this much? How am I going to fix this, how am I going to make it right, I can't, I feel so, so exhausted! I'm not doing anything right! And for Christ's sake, I need a hug, because oh my God I haven't felt this lonely in ages, and it's all my fault! 

My vision was already blurring, face growing hot, hands starting to tremble. I can't, I can't break down, but just for a second okay, because it hurts so much because it is my fault, because I need Niall to love me because he is so disappointed in me because what if he hates me, how am I gong to live, what what what have I done, why can't you love me Niall...

I hit my knees with my clutched fists hard and took a deep breath, trying to regain my composure, even though it had likely dispersed the moment I realized it was him whose steps had echoed from around the pool just a second ago. I lifted my gaze to see Louis watching me with a frown. Zayn was looking down at his hands, his countenance was sorrowful. See?! I'm sitting here, trying to keep myself from crumbling to pieces and no one would even give me a hug...

"What is this all about? Why are you taking it so hard?" Louis asked, his eyes about to burn holes through me, why can't you be nice, "There is something I don't know, but I'm sure Zayn knows about. Also, did Harry bring tea? Where is he?"

"He came out here, but then his phone rang and he went back in." I said quietly.

"Is Niall the one guy you have romantic feelings for, is he the guy you fancy? Is that what this is all about?" he was turning more to Zayn than to me now.

Zayn, however, immediately gave me a questioning look, and I was thankful he didn't say anything. I doubt that my dignity would have been able to take another blow, I need to at least be able to explain my feelings, not shy away like a school girl.

"Pretty much." I said even more quietly, even though I tried to keep my chin up and look him straight in the eye. "But he doesn't know, and it's killing me because I should have told him a long, long time ago and if I had, none of this would be happening right now, because...because I was feeling so terribly jealous of Juana and so fucking lonely, and I just...I.."

Where did that come from...Oh great, now I'm crying. 

Yep, hot, unstoppable tears suddenly climbed over the threshold of my eyes. They proceeded on their journey down my cheeks, rolling at a fascinating speed and quickly dampening my legs. I tried holding them back, trust me, but the violent sobs just wouldn't stop shaking my body. I hid my face in my hands. How bad I wished someone would just reach out and place a comforting hand on my shoulder, so I can know that...that maybe it's not that bad. Well, no one did. The tears quickly withdrew, my dignity was seriously shrunken. 

Louis seemed to grasp the seriousness of the situation without a further explanation. Thank you, Louis.

"This is bad. You need to talk to him." Louis said. No shit, man...

"I know, I will..but I wasn't thinking when I was with those girls, and when I said those things to him!" I tried explaining, they must understand, please.

"Yes, you weren't! That's why you have to talk to him, explain everything, tell him about your feelings and get this over with! You owe him a huge apology, and when you do apologize...things will be back to normal!" Zayn was raising his voice exasperatedly now, "he was wrong too, but-"

"Zayn! Zayn." Louis interrupted, and I was so grateful, "I know, I understand, but you still need to man up and apologize."

"I know, of course I will!" oh jeez...

Louis sighed. He stood up and gave me a small hug, but I realized I wouldn't be satisfied until it was Niall hugging me, whenever that might be. 

No one said anything for a while. Then Harry came out with the same solemn look on his face as Louis. He had three steaming cups on a small tray.

"Oh, Lou. I didn't know you were here, I didn't bring a cup for you." he said and placed the tray on the table. Damn, he looked tired, "You can have mine. I'm sorry I took so long. My phone rang, and then I had to warm the whole thing up again."

He pulled a chair next to Louis. He looked exhausted, and I thought that this may be close to what  _I_  looked like right now. Zayn handed me one of the cups and I thanked him. Louis was eyeing Harry concernedly. 

"So what happened?" mister Curly asked. 

"Niall went out, he wouldn't say anything." Louis answered and took a sip of his tea, "Mm, Harold, honey, I love you to bits and more, but this isn't tea. You will never learn..."

"Well...that doesn't sound good. And why are we drinking tea at 31 degrees outdoors temperature?"

"Because tea is relaxing."

Louis was right. For once. After a while of sipping the not sweet enough liquid, I felt like I could breathe again. 

"Who was on the phone?" Zayn asked.

"Jess."

Louis sighed and closed his eyes as if to say "not this again".

"What happened?" Zayn asked tentatively this time.

Harry shrugged. He looks so tired.

"I didn't let her bitchy tricks get to me, but now...I don't know. I think we're supposed to be 'taking a break'," he formed quotations with his fingers, "but I feel...terrible."

I could see Louis frown immediately.

"Come with me." he got up, "Let's go inside, to our room. Come on."

They headed inside. Louis' hand was on Harry's back. It made me sad. Where is my boy to console me?

I went around and did my morning routine even though it was past 1. I even did a few sit ups. I usually do a lot more in the mornings, but I just really didn't care that morning. I hadn't given a damn all week, so why should it matter now? 

I was just getting done fixing my hair, when Zayn came to tell me they're going down to the beach. I declined his invitation. I said I'd stick around the house and wait for Niall.

And I did. For over three hours I paced all around the house. I tried reading. I tried listening to music. I tried sunbathing. I applied a little of the lotion Zayn'd given me to my balls. I tried swimming. I tried just standing there. I even tried sleeping. Nothing would take my mind off the incredible soft blond locks, the magnificent eyes, the ravishing laugh. I wallowed in remorse and loneliness. I ached to hear his voice, to touch his body, to feel his hands on mine. But. We know the last two would never happen. 

Finally he came home. I mean, he came back. I just like to pretend he came home to me. I was in the kitchen fixing myself a grilled cheese sandwich when I heard the door close. I don't think he realized there was someone else in the house, but he went straight up the stairs. The peculiar thing was that he didn't slam the door, his footsteps were slow. 

I removed the pan from the stove. I washed my hands with great precision. I straightened the plaid shirt I had put on and headed for the stairs. I didn't want to be too loud, but I didn't want to freak him out if he thought he is alone, so I was very careful in my steps. Setting foot at the top of the staircase, I realized I was trembling, bad. 

He was out on the balcony when I entered the room, and he didn't seem to have heard me approaching. I hesitated at the door.

"Niall," I called, but not too loud because he might hear my voice shaking.

He was startled, undoubtedly, and there was something unreadable that crossed his face when he turned. But even after he saw it was me there was no more coldness in his eyes. Gone was the horrible distance between us, or so I hoped. I had to take the opportunity, I had to make this right.

“Please, don’t, I mean, just please let me say what I need to say.” I said, holding my hands up. He didn’t look like he was about to try to run past me, but I had to make sure, “Please?”

He made a short movement with his hand, giving me permission to start with my speech. Something in his demeanor had changed dramatically. He looked lost, yes, that is the right word to describe the impression his slumped shoulders and slow, empty gaze gave. What have I done.

I took a few hesitant steps forward. I took a ragged breath. This is it.

“First of all, I want to apologize for everything I said this morning. I wasn’t thinking. You are right to…be disappointed.” my gaze met his and I could see his eyes filling with emotion, “I wasn’t thinking, this whole week…it was crazy for me. You are absolutely right to be disappointed, and…disgusted even. I am terribly sorry for what I did. The question of whether you were right to express your disappointment this way is an entirely different one and-“

“What the hell do you mean I wasn’t right to express my disappointment like this, what do you expect me to do, I tried telling you, showing you, you never even cared!” the rage was back in his movements, his plain blue shirt kept giving me glimpses of his chest when he waved his arms in short, sharp movements, “And then you’re telling me I’m not being a good friend!”

“You never tried telling me, all you ever did was give me the silent treatment like...You never said anything!” I was mad now too.

“I did! I tried hinting, I tried talking to you!”

“Okay, please, this is a big misunderstanding, let me explain. It doesn’t matter whether you tried to talk to me or not, I’m terribly sorry for everything I did and for the way I acted. And….there is a reason for my…my actions, it’s-“

“I don’t give a shit about your reasons, your stupid reasoning and logic and-! I don’t fucking care anymore!”

Oh how angry he was! The blue oceans in his eyes were boiling! And all because of me, because of me, because of-

“I don’t give a shit about what you do, I can’t believe  _you_ of all people would be the one going around fucking whores, and I don’t care about your reasons because no reasons can justify it, I am so…so  _disgusted_!”

He was spitting the words now and I felt so pathetic because he was right, and you should have seen the utter despise in his eyes! All I wanted to do is go back in time and fix this, because now my boy, he hates me!

“You have no idea how hard I want to hit you right now, oh my God, you of all people to do this!”

He stared at me, breathing heavily, nostrils flaring, hair a mess, while I was on the verge of tears. I could feel my face changing into a completely broken grimace. The he stepped forward, grabbed my arm tightly and I thought he was going to hit me. I didn’t try to escape the blow, I fucking deserve it, but instead he brought his face closer and smashed his lips on mine. He jumped back, eyes wide, while my head was spinning in shock.

“You did this to me! You did this to me, oh my God, I am sick of this, I AM SO SICK OF THIS!” he was screaming, his hand was in his hair and his face had a look of horror, “I am so sick of this, of the feelings, and of you, mostly of YOU!”

He stormed out of the room and left me completely dumbfounded. I slumped down on the bed. I can’t begin to explain the shock I was experiencing. My thoughts were spinning so fast, his hatred, his disgust, but the kiss, and I did it to him? I tried to think about this or that but oh my god, my head was about to explode! And then I heard his footsteps, he was coming back. I stood up, ready to let a flood of apologies out of my mouth, to please, please make this right.

He entered the room. The first thing I noticed about him was his eyes. They were moist, they were full of tears, and so much sadness. Again he looked tired, he looked broken. I couldn’t speak, but I didn’t need to. His hand gripped my biceps again, much lighter now, and his other hand he placed on the side of my face.

“I’m so sorry.” he said softly.

Before I could say anything, he moved in and placed his lips on mine again. It was so much different this time. No, the world did not explode in fireworks, but it did go silent. It was only me and Niall in the vast expanse of the infinity, but that was fine, because his lips were the most astonishingly soft thing I had ever come in contact with. My heart was beating slowly, in sync with his, and I thought I could hear the tender sound of violins. The world was a beautiful place.

This kiss, my first ever true kiss with Niall, was the best kiss I have ever had, in my whole entire life. It was wonderful, it was spectacular, incredible and marvelous! It sent my body shaking and my head spinning.

My boy pulled away, but not too far away. He was smiling softly. His hair was glowing, I could see every little detail about his brilliantly beautiful face, from the threads of darker blue in the irises of his eyes, to the tiny dimple in the corner of his mouth. My vision blurred again, and I wrapped my arms around him in a great hug. I felt his holding me tightly. The world was a just and perfect place then. Everything was right where it belonged, Niall in my embrace, me in his.

“I am sorry too. So much. I’m sorry. I’ve missed you so much.”

I lost track of time. It could have been minutes, it could have been days. I had closed my eyes, I was only  _feeling_ now, soaking in the breathtaking aroma of his hair. His body was soft, but strong too, and I was melting into him the way he was melting into me. I felt home.

Finally, he released me. He was smiling his radiant smile. The fluttering feeling in my chest rose to fabulously pleasant levels. I took his hand and we sat on his side of the bed. It wasn’t awkward, not anymore. At first he was smiling at his hands, but then he met my happy eyes.

“What now?” he asked quietly.

“I have no idea.” I laughed, “I…”

“Can we not talk about it? Yet?”

He was still smiling, even if uncertainly, and that is what encouraged me.  

“Sure.”

His gaze kept boldly going to my lips, so I leaned in again. We shared a few short, tender kisses and I was the happiest man on Earth because this, this is everything my whole being had ached for in the past what, six months? Our noses were left touching, we were both smiling.

“Nap time?” he asked in his lovely accent.

I grinned like the happy fool I was.

I took off my shirt so as not to get it all wrinkled. Niall, my beautiful leprechaun, was already sprawled on his side of the bed. He wore a calm, inviting smile. His eyes shamelessly traveled down my body. His lips parted slightly. Snapping out of the short daze, I climbed into bed.

I wasn't sure if I should go ahead and hug him. I wasn't sure of anything, but it all seemed surreal, as if it was a dream. I didn't dare pinch myself. I pulled my covers up over my body and rolled on my side to face him. We kissed slowly and tenderly again. Then he moved his body closer to mine, settled on his back and closed his angelic eyes. Now it felt right to put my hand in his, the one between our pillows. He squeezed it briefly.

Was it a dream? I didn't care. It felt right, it felt remarkable. I grinned blissfully one last time before letting myself fall asleep next to Niall. 

-

Sleep was being shaken off of my relaxed body. I opened my eyes and Niall's frowning face filled my vision.

"We need to talk about this. Get up."

Shit. I knew it was too good to last! 

I rubbed my eyes and sat up. My wristwatch showed 6:30. We hadn't slept for that long, after all. He wasn't in the room anymore. I was so scared.

Niall was sitting on the couch, the TV was off and the house was quiet, but I could see the boys' flipflops all lined up near the door. I hovered worriedly at the door.

"Where do you want to talk...?" I asked.

He was startled, but I could tell he was not mad, at all. He got up.

"Let's go out, I need some fresh air." he hobbled past me.

We were just stepping on the cooling sand when he spoke again.

"Can we go get something to drink first? And the we'lll...find a place to talk." his voice was unusually quiet and my heart broke all over again.

The store was dim. Niall asked me if I'd like something as well, and we said gracias, hasta pronto to the man behind the counter with a bottle of coke each. 

We walked towards the house in silence. I didn't dare say anything, it was all up to him because what if I screw things up again. It was all up to him now. 

He didn't stop at the turn to our place, I followed. I was terrified at this point. In my head I was preparing myself for shouts and cruel, stabbing words, ugly scenes and faces, tears. We walked a little further and he pointed to a pleasant looking shady spot where the trees gave way to sand.

I didn't speak. Even if I had tried to, I would have discovered that my voice was hiding too. I could sense it would be him to speak first anyways. No, it wasn't awkward. In his eyes, I could see that the lost Niall had returned. 

The sun and the ocean had began their games and the waves at the horizon were already biting playfully at the lower parts of the fire disc. The water was shimmering. A slight breeze rolled all around. I kept sneaking furtive glances at Niall's lips, recalling the thrilling magic of the moments when we had kissed. Why? It was too good to last.

"I am so confused. We need to talk about this." he said quietly, and surprised me with a tiny nervous smile. I tried one of my own, "Like...really talk about everything. And be completely honest. About everything."

"Okay. Where do you want me to start? Or would you like to start?" I offered. I was ready to do anything.

"I think I should begin." his voice was soft, "I am so, so sorry about everything I said today. I wasn't right, I was completely wrong. And I am terribly sorry. But...I have my reasons too." he smiled bitterly, apologetically, and I shrugged reassuringly, "I was extremely jealous. It was so stupid of me, but..."

I think it was that soft tone that vaporized all of my fears. The nervous gestures, the worried expression. He had changed his shirt to a plain white one. I wanted to hug him so, so bad, but I knew I couldn't. I wasn't allowed to. 

"Because...I have this massive crush on you." he said and my breath caught in my throat, and he was blushing, but he did look at me briefly, "And I don't know what to make of it. I guess I've always had something for you. Brotherly love, admiration...you know? And I think I started to become aware of my feelings when we were at the States. I thought you felt the same. I mean, the way you'd look at me sometimes, you gestures, and everything...And then the way you acted when...when we got into that fight at the club, you know."

It was my turn to turn red. I was staring at the sand between my legs, the shadows our bodies cast in the setting sun. In the distance a family, several families maybe with their children were packing their belongings. But he likes me too?

"It was like signals you didn't want me to notice, but I kept picking up on. And it made me so confused, I didn't know what to make of anything! What if I was just imagining things? What if I fucked everything up? And I just couldn't see how it would work out, if you felt the same. I still can't. It's crazy."

He shook his head. My poor, poor boy.

The sky was painted in colors from many different parts of the painter's palette. It was mesmerizing, just like Niall's face. Directly above us it was a pale blue which then received a pinkish shade, and getting closer to the sun which hurriedly gave way to a warm night, one could see a million tints of yellow and a burning orange with the pinkish shade to it, and then there still were a few blue patches. The breeze was getting stronger. From the southeast a stormy mass of clouds was approaching. 

So I did have a chance. So there was room for happiness after all. I can't miss my chance. I have to cling to this. My life depends on it.

"I...became aware of my feelings for you in the beginning of the year. And I thought it was just a crush, but it...just kept growing." I smiled uneasily, "It was just torturing me in the past...month. And I kept wanting to tell you, but I couldn't find the courage too. I was absolutely convinced you did not feel the same."

"I do." he interrupted, "I kind of do..."

"Yeah, and that makes me so inexplicably happy! And...I want to be with you. If you want to be with me, that is." my fingers were playing with each other nervously, the same way his were. 

The breeze got even stronger. We didn't speak for some time.

"I can't see it." he was shaking his head again and my heart dropped.

"I...okay, listen..." I took a deep breath, "You are incredible and beautiful and gorgeous. Absolutely fabulous and breathtaking...in everything you do." I stressed each word and struggled to keep my eyes on his, "I am absolutely head over heels for you. It's kinda weird, but lately you're my whole world. You're my best friend, my brother, but my love runs deeper than that. Please, understand." I was literally begging now, almost in tears from the confession of my deepest thoughts and feelings, "You're just...you're so amazing."

I felt that the end of my speech was somewhat lame, but I think he got the message. His eyes were moist again, but he was smiling too. That dazzling radiant smile...

"It is just so crazy." he said quietly again.

"It is! So let's try, please! You were right, I think way too much, and this is crazy, so let's try! Please!" 

I mustered up the courage to bring my trembling hand to his. He twitched, but then squeezed my fingers back and I let out a breath of relief. The sun was gone now.

"What about parents, fans?"

"We can keep it to ourselves for now. We don't have to tell them. Let's just try, please."

"We will have to tell the boys. We can't keep it from them. They will understand."

"Of course! Of course."

His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. His beautiful face was lit up by an astonishing smile again when it turned to me. The whole population of butterflies in Spain had migrated to my stomach. Warmth spread through my whole body. I leaned in. Our lips touched once, twice before the kiss could be called a kiss. It was just as phenomenal as our first one. I felt like my being was waking up from a deep slumber, like a flower was blossoming within me.

We kissed slowly and tenderly, lovingly, without opening our eyes. Then he opened his mouth to my tongue and the kiss deepened. We were making up for all the times we'd wanted to do this, but hadn't had the chance to. My hand was on his waist, his was on my arm. 

We broke the kiss and finished with a few sweet pecks. I am more than certain I will never meet a better kisser than Niall. Mainly because I couldn't love anyone else as much as I love him. 

We were both smiling like fools. He moved closer to me. I moved my arm to his shoulders and squeezed him to my body. Niall, my Niall, my leprechaun, my boy. I was the happiest man alive.


End file.
